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Bulimia is back

(42 Posts)
lapsedagain Sun 07-Apr-19 18:53:22

I've not had the urge to do this for months and thought I'd turned a corner. Had a massive trigger this weekend and bulimia has returned. I'm so upset. I've not even thought about doing this for so long, I was starting to think I could cope without it. And now it's back. I don't do it for weight loss, it's purely emotional and I know more or less what triggers it (which is not something I can control so can't change that). I feel so low so just wanted a chat. Does anyone else have this kind of recurring bulimia?

HueyLewisandtheSpews Sun 07-Apr-19 18:56:24

I have it .

lapsedagain Sun 07-Apr-19 18:57:39

Have you ever told anyone in RL? Do you know your triggers?

HueyLewisandtheSpews Sun 07-Apr-19 18:59:54

Fortunately, not had an episode recently BUT sometimes a really stressful incident can start it up again .
It has been a long time since my last one but it got very close last November.
I have a mix of anorexia / bulimia.
Is yours entirely bulimia?
Is there anything that can distract you from it ?

HueyLewisandtheSpews Sun 07-Apr-19 19:01:12

My husband, mother , some people I work with , and some of my clients who have it know .

HueyLewisandtheSpews Sun 07-Apr-19 19:02:24

Stress .
Being told I am fat .
Lack of control.
These are my main triggers.

HueyLewisandtheSpews Sun 07-Apr-19 19:03:52

It really is not good for you .
I managed to tell myself that when I was so close the last time .

TeaForTheWin Sun 07-Apr-19 19:04:10

Not bulimia but I had re-occurring OCD throughout my teens. It would flare up whenever I was very stressed. Often as a result of bullying. I suppose as some sort of messed up control mechanism. It came with the whole constantly washing my hands thing...part of me feels like that part was me punishing myself. Like when you feel worthless and you think you deserve to be trapped and miserable.

When I finished school it lessend significantly and when I moved away from home, it vanished smile

I know buliemia might have the element of wanting to lose weight/body dysmorphia to it. But I think for me my ocd boiled down to being a coping method and also, my lack of self worth and I could see how bulimia might have the same causes for you...?

Anyway, for me it took a total change of lifestyle. Not that that would necessarily work for you, or that it is that simple to change our lives :/ but if there are specific things triggering your buliemia, maybe try to pinpoint them and if possible remove them from your life.

The working on yourself part and out self esteem ect...that's the harder part I think smile but you can do it, im sure, I just wouldn't like to think that you think it's 'all you' because it might not be. It might be that some things around you need to change and you need to make those changes.

I hope you have someone decent to talk about things with, sometimes although they can't change things, it's just good to have that person to talk to. I wish I had shared what I was going through with others rather than kept it to myself. Being alone dealing with mental health issues sucks!

HueyLewisandtheSpews Sun 07-Apr-19 19:06:15

I take it @lapsedagain is a name change .
Mine too .
I have been successful at not doing it for a long time but sometimes something gets to you .

lapsedagain Sun 07-Apr-19 19:06:37

No I don't have anorexia (but weirdly I wish I did rather than bulimia).
I've been healthy eating and feeling in control without even realising it, thinking this is what it feels like to have a healthy relationship with food/exercise.
I am very all or nothing in personality though. Often wondered if I'm borderline bipolar too. Yesterday (after trigger) I did a lot of exercise. And today I've binged and purged and will do it again.
Triggers are similar, when I'm stressed/pushed to limit, feeling anxious, undervalued, insecure etc. Self esteem is atrocious.

HueyLewisandtheSpews Sun 07-Apr-19 19:08:51

I would not wish anorexia.

HueyLewisandtheSpews Sun 07-Apr-19 19:10:00

Can you get a referral to see a clinical psychologist?

HueyLewisandtheSpews Sun 07-Apr-19 19:11:56

I hope you do not purge again. Please try not to .

lapsedagain Sun 07-Apr-19 19:14:07

I know it's an awful thing to say, Huey. But in my twisted mind anorexia is a powerful form of control which I don't have and am envious of, and somehow bulimia is poorer version of exercising control. Pathetic. I know in my rational mind that both are equally dangerous and harmful.

lapsedagain Sun 07-Apr-19 19:16:09

Tea, I have totally changed my lifestyle (for the better) and it has helped enormously - I eat better foods, make better choices, exercise is a natural thing (and not a chore), I'm more sociable & feel better about myself. Until this happens and I've got 200 steps backwards.

lapsedagain Sun 07-Apr-19 19:17:55

I've had counselling but I don't qualify for specialist treatment because my bulimia is emotional and not weight loss related and I also don't do it "enough" to be considered that bad. I can't afford private treatment but I'm on a waiting list for top up sessions so will get some help but not sure if it's specialised enough.

lapsedagain Sun 07-Apr-19 19:19:03

It's like my brain has run away with itself before even realised what's happening. Repeated behaviour and patterns.

HueyLewisandtheSpews Sun 07-Apr-19 19:22:34

Well it is good that you know your triggers. That can maybe help you .
They do think it is down to chemicals and how they affect the brain .

LetsGroove2nite Sun 07-Apr-19 19:26:30

I've worked in eating disorders and what you're describing in terms of 'wishing ' for anorexia isn't surprising. Bulimia represents lack of control, anorexia is its antithesis. Also why the former tend to have insight and wish to get better whereas the latter don't (often). Theres also a link with emotionally unstable personality disorder, I obviously cannot and would not diagnose on a forum but it has a mood component that can be mistaken for bipolar.

TeaForTheWin Sun 07-Apr-19 19:26:42

Know that feeling. Like you are on autopilot or something and you just 'have to'.

I actually started taking a placebo tick-tac at one point, so that I didn't have to do the other complusions. Like 'hey I've taken my magic tictac today so I don't have to do all the other random shit' xD Not sre that works for buliemia though xD Then there was the countless times I 'refused' the compulsion. Fun.

Wish I could magic it away for you. But if my issues ran their course, maybe yours will too in time. Fingers crossed!

Lovetunnocks Sun 07-Apr-19 19:28:37

I'm sorry you're having a bad weekend. I don't have any experience of this but something really sprang out from your post for me - the amazing amount of progress and hard work you have done to get yourself in a healthier place. You've achieved something amazing (better foods, make better choices, exercise not a chore, more sociable and feel better about myself). That is a really fantastic roll call of achievements and shows you have reserves of self-esteem and determination - even though it doesn't feel like it today. Don't beat yourself up, you can come back from this - you are an amazingly strong person.

lapsedagain Sun 07-Apr-19 19:28:53

Yes when I'm in this I can't get out of it. Total compulsion, even between purges. I know there will be three or four tonight.
Like your magic tic-tac idea. Maybe I could try something similar.

lapsedagain Sun 07-Apr-19 19:31:09

That's kind of you to say Lovetunnocks. Maybe I can just think of it as a minor setback and not catastrophise.

HueyLewisandtheSpews Sun 07-Apr-19 19:34:43

Sorry I can not give you any specifics . When I first had it there was very little understanding of it .
I can control not eating very much because I have very little control elsewhere.
I also purge when “triggers “ occur, however not done it for years .
I hope your top up sessions help you .

HueyLewisandtheSpews Sun 07-Apr-19 19:36:19

Like I said , I nearly had a lapse in November but I stopped myself . You can do that too .

TeaForTheWin Sun 07-Apr-19 19:36:53

Well I guess it would be less to throw up at least xD but lol no, please eat plenty. That way at least if it comes up, hopefully you will have absorbed some nutrients from something first.

Maybe try find some good films to watch...or heck get addicted to gaming or something xD I found if I was engrossed in something else it helped. If you know you purge more at night, maybe make a point of having plans to do something else?

lapsedagain Sun 07-Apr-19 19:37:19

@LetsGroove2nite I missed your post, sorry. I will look up that disorder, thank you.

TeaForTheWin Sun 07-Apr-19 19:38:50

Not that it'll stop ya of course. But maybe some other bad habits will lessen the time you have 'in your own head' and so lessen the times you need to purge.

Wish I could suggest something better. Maybe that's the ocd in me still, looking to fix things haha.

TellySavalashairbrush Sun 07-Apr-19 19:39:54

You mustn’t lose sight of all that you’ve achieved. You said that generally you’re eating better and enjoying exercise which is great. I have an eating disorder and have done on and off for more than 20 years. I’ve just been referred for therapy again, but now in my mid 40s I finally seem to be realising just how low my self worth Is and how much I let other people’s attitudes and behaviours affect me. Today is a tough day for you, don’t beat yourself up about it but do think about ways to work on your self worth and gaining the ability to worry less about others. All the best to you.

lapsedagain Sun 07-Apr-19 19:41:54

Thanks Tea. Normally I DO have a night time thing which keeps me focused (and not even thinking about B/P. But a recent event turned things upside down and then my usual trigger happened so the two things combined has really knocked me. I really really want to go back to my routine.

lapsedagain Sun 07-Apr-19 19:46:42

Thank you Telly.
I'm like you in that my self worth is pretty dreadful. It's getting better and I'm learning to care less about other people's snarky comments, criticisms of me, dislike of me etc or whatever it might be. But it means I tend to prefer being alone more and more. People stress me out. People politics and all that.

TeaForTheWin Sun 07-Apr-19 19:53:45

I've learned that a lot of people are assholes, like majorly (so many cluster b personalities about these days). Walking around without compassion or empathy for other humans. So now when people are nasty I pretty much think 'it's their issue'. Because normal people aren't cruel to other people, disordered individuals are. And I might have spent a vast amount of my time washing my hands over the years, but anyone without empathy is a damn sight crazier than I or we will ever be.

lapsedagain Sun 07-Apr-19 20:00:59

Brilliant attitude! When I'm feeling 'healthy' I can totally get in that mindset. People who make me feel bad...get away from me! But then when I'm delicate again I can really spend hours questioning why that person said what they did and what does it say about me. But really it's their perception of me, and their insecurity or issue if they feel the need to say something mean. It doesn't make it true.

cactuswatcher Sun 07-Apr-19 20:08:19

I really feel for you. I have been struggling with eating disorders for 6 years, from anorexia to bulimia now so I understand exactly how you feel. Slip ups will happen but you need to think of this as a one off rather than getting back into the habit and the binge purge cycle. I know how hard it is and how awful the loss of control is, (especially as I loved How in control I was with anorexia) but you have to focus on not doing it and realise all the bad things it does to you!!! X

lapsedagain Sun 07-Apr-19 20:10:06

I have a problem calling people out on it though, I rarely confront. I just avoid if someone does that to me. Are you the same? Wish I could stick up for myself more. I want to be a positive role model for my kids and don't want them learning to be a doormat.

TeaForTheWin Sun 07-Apr-19 23:18:02

Sometimes the best thing you can do is run. I do confront (I have a bit of a hairline trigger for these sorts now) and it's usually a big mistake.

Cause these sorts A. Love to go after anyone they think is a weak target and B. Need to go after anyone who stands up to them. Best to get away as soon as you cotton on. Sometimes the most positive thing you can do is not hang about. It's not like anything we do will change them afterall. I think their 'toxic' is more likely to drag us down :/ Teaching our little ones how to spot the signs of these sorts of people is probably a better move.

lapsedagain Tue 09-Apr-19 16:47:53

I had a look at borderline personality disorder/emotionally unstable personality disorder on Mind's site.
It's interesting because I relate to the symptoms of it, but not the causes. I had no traumatic childhood events (that I recall), and there is no one in my family with and MH issues (that I know of).
I have been racking my brains for the WHY of all of this, and don't understand it. I really want to and delve a little deeper but can't do that on my own.
I know when I feel most vulnerable & do my best to distract myself. It's tough though, being left alone with my thoughts. I would like to be happy on my own without constantly having coping mechanisms and distractions in place.

Cottonwood Tue 09-Apr-19 16:54:23

Have you tried hypnosis OP? Very powerful although I don't have direct experience of what you're going through. Hugs for you xx

lapsedagain Tue 09-Apr-19 17:02:20

No I've not. Sounds quite scary.

Cottonwood Tue 09-Apr-19 17:42:58

Do you mean hypnosis scary? Not at all, very useful tool with the right therapist.

lapsedagain Tue 09-Apr-19 20:25:56

Maybe not for me. I don't know. Just think talking to someone 1:1 will help the most. Feeling like crap. Utter crap. Have no idea what to do or who to talk to. This is not something I can talk about in RL.

mothers2019de Fri 26-Apr-19 18:21:50

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