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Bulimia is back

(42 Posts)
lapsedagain Sun 07-Apr-19 18:53:22

I've not had the urge to do this for months and thought I'd turned a corner. Had a massive trigger this weekend and bulimia has returned. I'm so upset. I've not even thought about doing this for so long, I was starting to think I could cope without it. And now it's back. I don't do it for weight loss, it's purely emotional and I know more or less what triggers it (which is not something I can control so can't change that). I feel so low so just wanted a chat. Does anyone else have this kind of recurring bulimia?

HueyLewisandtheSpews Sun 07-Apr-19 18:56:24

I have it .

lapsedagain Sun 07-Apr-19 18:57:39

Have you ever told anyone in RL? Do you know your triggers?

HueyLewisandtheSpews Sun 07-Apr-19 18:59:54

Fortunately, not had an episode recently BUT sometimes a really stressful incident can start it up again .
It has been a long time since my last one but it got very close last November.
I have a mix of anorexia / bulimia.
Is yours entirely bulimia?
Is there anything that can distract you from it ?

HueyLewisandtheSpews Sun 07-Apr-19 19:01:12

My husband, mother , some people I work with , and some of my clients who have it know .

HueyLewisandtheSpews Sun 07-Apr-19 19:02:24

Stress .
Being told I am fat .
Lack of control.
These are my main triggers.

HueyLewisandtheSpews Sun 07-Apr-19 19:03:52

It really is not good for you .
I managed to tell myself that when I was so close the last time .

TeaForTheWin Sun 07-Apr-19 19:04:10

Not bulimia but I had re-occurring OCD throughout my teens. It would flare up whenever I was very stressed. Often as a result of bullying. I suppose as some sort of messed up control mechanism. It came with the whole constantly washing my hands thing...part of me feels like that part was me punishing myself. Like when you feel worthless and you think you deserve to be trapped and miserable.

When I finished school it lessend significantly and when I moved away from home, it vanished smile

I know buliemia might have the element of wanting to lose weight/body dysmorphia to it. But I think for me my ocd boiled down to being a coping method and also, my lack of self worth and I could see how bulimia might have the same causes for you...?

Anyway, for me it took a total change of lifestyle. Not that that would necessarily work for you, or that it is that simple to change our lives :/ but if there are specific things triggering your buliemia, maybe try to pinpoint them and if possible remove them from your life.

The working on yourself part and out self esteem ect...that's the harder part I think smile but you can do it, im sure, I just wouldn't like to think that you think it's 'all you' because it might not be. It might be that some things around you need to change and you need to make those changes.

I hope you have someone decent to talk about things with, sometimes although they can't change things, it's just good to have that person to talk to. I wish I had shared what I was going through with others rather than kept it to myself. Being alone dealing with mental health issues sucks!

HueyLewisandtheSpews Sun 07-Apr-19 19:06:15

I take it @lapsedagain is a name change .
Mine too .
I have been successful at not doing it for a long time but sometimes something gets to you .

lapsedagain Sun 07-Apr-19 19:06:37

No I don't have anorexia (but weirdly I wish I did rather than bulimia).
I've been healthy eating and feeling in control without even realising it, thinking this is what it feels like to have a healthy relationship with food/exercise.
I am very all or nothing in personality though. Often wondered if I'm borderline bipolar too. Yesterday (after trigger) I did a lot of exercise. And today I've binged and purged and will do it again.
Triggers are similar, when I'm stressed/pushed to limit, feeling anxious, undervalued, insecure etc. Self esteem is atrocious.

HueyLewisandtheSpews Sun 07-Apr-19 19:08:51

I would not wish anorexia.

HueyLewisandtheSpews Sun 07-Apr-19 19:10:00

Can you get a referral to see a clinical psychologist?

HueyLewisandtheSpews Sun 07-Apr-19 19:11:56

I hope you do not purge again. Please try not to .

lapsedagain Sun 07-Apr-19 19:14:07

I know it's an awful thing to say, Huey. But in my twisted mind anorexia is a powerful form of control which I don't have and am envious of, and somehow bulimia is poorer version of exercising control. Pathetic. I know in my rational mind that both are equally dangerous and harmful.

lapsedagain Sun 07-Apr-19 19:16:09

Tea, I have totally changed my lifestyle (for the better) and it has helped enormously - I eat better foods, make better choices, exercise is a natural thing (and not a chore), I'm more sociable & feel better about myself. Until this happens and I've got 200 steps backwards.

lapsedagain Sun 07-Apr-19 19:17:55

I've had counselling but I don't qualify for specialist treatment because my bulimia is emotional and not weight loss related and I also don't do it "enough" to be considered that bad. I can't afford private treatment but I'm on a waiting list for top up sessions so will get some help but not sure if it's specialised enough.

lapsedagain Sun 07-Apr-19 19:19:03

It's like my brain has run away with itself before even realised what's happening. Repeated behaviour and patterns.

HueyLewisandtheSpews Sun 07-Apr-19 19:22:34

Well it is good that you know your triggers. That can maybe help you .
They do think it is down to chemicals and how they affect the brain .

LetsGroove2nite Sun 07-Apr-19 19:26:30

I've worked in eating disorders and what you're describing in terms of 'wishing ' for anorexia isn't surprising. Bulimia represents lack of control, anorexia is its antithesis. Also why the former tend to have insight and wish to get better whereas the latter don't (often). Theres also a link with emotionally unstable personality disorder, I obviously cannot and would not diagnose on a forum but it has a mood component that can be mistaken for bipolar.

TeaForTheWin Sun 07-Apr-19 19:26:42

Know that feeling. Like you are on autopilot or something and you just 'have to'.

I actually started taking a placebo tick-tac at one point, so that I didn't have to do the other complusions. Like 'hey I've taken my magic tictac today so I don't have to do all the other random shit' xD Not sre that works for buliemia though xD Then there was the countless times I 'refused' the compulsion. Fun.

Wish I could magic it away for you. But if my issues ran their course, maybe yours will too in time. Fingers crossed!

Lovetunnocks Sun 07-Apr-19 19:28:37

I'm sorry you're having a bad weekend. I don't have any experience of this but something really sprang out from your post for me - the amazing amount of progress and hard work you have done to get yourself in a healthier place. You've achieved something amazing (better foods, make better choices, exercise not a chore, more sociable and feel better about myself). That is a really fantastic roll call of achievements and shows you have reserves of self-esteem and determination - even though it doesn't feel like it today. Don't beat yourself up, you can come back from this - you are an amazingly strong person.

lapsedagain Sun 07-Apr-19 19:28:53

Yes when I'm in this I can't get out of it. Total compulsion, even between purges. I know there will be three or four tonight.
Like your magic tic-tac idea. Maybe I could try something similar.

lapsedagain Sun 07-Apr-19 19:31:09

That's kind of you to say Lovetunnocks. Maybe I can just think of it as a minor setback and not catastrophise.

HueyLewisandtheSpews Sun 07-Apr-19 19:34:43

Sorry I can not give you any specifics . When I first had it there was very little understanding of it .
I can control not eating very much because I have very little control elsewhere.
I also purge when “triggers “ occur, however not done it for years .
I hope your top up sessions help you .

HueyLewisandtheSpews Sun 07-Apr-19 19:36:19

Like I said , I nearly had a lapse in November but I stopped myself . You can do that too .

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