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Eating disorders

omg, i have an eating disorder :(

11 replies

edibleweirdo · 23/09/2017 11:43

Always had a high BMI, I'm really well built - big strong frame for a girl. was always told I was fat at school (I wasn't really, I'm just not a tiny disney princesss frame). Generally, I feel really well adjusted but my weight has always quietly niggled at me. As a result I've spent most of my life on a diet of some kind. I discovered a 'healthy eating regime' (low carb) a few years ago which gave me good results and I found it easy to cut out rice and pasta, crackers, vast majority of bread, and potatoes.

Well, I kept gaining weight didn't I. And i had brittle nails, dry skin and my hair falls out in winter. So I went to the doctors thinking my thyroid was dodgy. I struggle to control blood sugar levels too so maybe I was type 2? All the tests came back normal. So I started cutting down my portion size, the doctor just told me i was getting old and fat basically so I thought 'I must put more effort in!'

So I had a long chat with my mum and she got me a subscription to a well known weight loss thing. When I tapped in all my stats, I was really surprised at what a high calorie allowance I had for weight loss? I thought it must be wrong. So, I kinda enjoyed myself a bit for a couple of weeks and was still comfortably within the calorific allowance - I lost 6lbs. wtaf?

So now it's come to light that I've had a completely twisted relationship with food for years. 1400 calories a day is bad day i'd berate myself for in the past. Why am I not dead? Just because I binge. I starve myself day to day, then binge on really bad stuff and my body packs it away just in case. i did some reading and yep, long term low calorie diet = weight gain and insulin resistance. I also get headaches, really tired despite plenty of sleep and struggle in my manual job. No wonder I'm constantly constipated - I hate nothing to shit! Literally I'll go like, every few days. I have the bleeding piles to match ;) which have intensified on this latest downwards push in calories. what a fucking mess.

I've looked at visual portion guides and I've been wayyy overestimating how many calories are in things. trouble is, I've trained myself so well that I dont know how to get out of this cycle, I feel sick when i eat what would be a normal amount of bread or cereal or rice or whatever. the guilt is still there too.

I think it all stems from being one of those control freak overachiever people. that's really ingrained part of me though. can i do anything about that?

Anyone else gone through this? Maybe smaller meals more often - which goes against every instinct! snacking is bad! I usually just eat two small virtually carbless meals a day. I'd really love to get my blood sugar back and feel healthy doing my job. Oh, I'll buy some prunes too.

Thanks, I just had to get this out, if I tell anyone in real life they'll laugh because i don't look anorexic. My husband had noticed though, I was talking about feeling like a gluttonous westerner if I eat more and he said 'yeah, but medieval slaves probably got fed more than you' - he's likely right.

OP posts:
Herechickychicky · 23/09/2017 11:47

I don't know the answer but I'm a bit like you. I'm overweight but MFP often gets cross with how few calories I've eaten. But then I will binge on a takeaway.

So. No help (sorry) but a bit of solidarity x

edibleweirdo · 23/09/2017 20:32

Thank you :)

I just totted up todays calories - I made an extra effort to eat breakfast and pudding and got to 1500, if I hadnt eaten them as normal, I'd be on 400 calories for the whole day :/

OP posts:
Hadenoughtoday · 23/09/2017 20:41

Do you have day/s of binging? Do you ever purge? Please don't feel you have to answers these questions? My daughter has bulimia with anorexic restrictive tendencies - fully diagnosed by an eating disorder service. The basic treatment would be 3 meals and 3 snacks per day with carbohydrates on every meal and a daily calorie intake of 1700 calories. Alongside therapy like CBT. Bulimia comes in many shapes and form. My daughter has been 16 stone and morbidly obese and is currently 10st and healthy bmi but still bulimic.

You need to learn to be kind to yourself and nourish your body to allow you to grow xx

edibleweirdo · 24/09/2017 07:42

Hiya, no I never purge I guess totally starving myself the rest of the time is my version of that? The bingeing is real though, yes I'm ritualised - any social gathering is 'time off', if I get miserable, or want to celebrate, I'll dive for my 'binge foods' and then I get the classic complete disgust with myself and shame. :(

OP posts:
ElfrideSwancourt · 24/09/2017 08:33

I totally get you OP - I have similar issues. My mum had/still has a massively dysfunctional relationship with food which has affected me and all my siblings in a variety of different ways.
After trying every fad diet under the sun, I now do Slimming World. I'm constantly surprised how much I can eat and still lose weight. One of my siblings is medically qualified and rates SW really highly (she does it too) she says it's 'normal eating' but we didn't learn it at home so need the structure of SW plan.
I was really resistant to the idea of going to a group but it's so supportive and the only place I've ever been able to talk about my bingeing- can't even to DH or adult DCs although they must know I'm massive:(
I lost 6.5 stone then life happened I lost the plot and gained some of it back but I'm back on the wagon again in it for the long haul.
I've had therapy but couldn't talk about bingeing there but can at SW people there get it.
Thinking of you

edibleweirdo · 24/09/2017 09:33

yikes yes I am thinking this has a LOT to do with my upbringing. I'm a little shocked at how dismissive my mum has been of this revelation - she thought when she signed me up i should go to 1200 calories. I have told her I'm not eating anywhere near enough and seem to have a full blown eating disorder and she glossed over it and just said 'stick to 1400cals, you'll be fine'. I think she binges and starves exactly the same tbh. When I look back to my childhood, we were really restricted at home - vegetarian, semi skimmed milk. Then we went to grandma's house and ate absolutely disgustingly! I have just carried on the habit, haven't I? :(

I'm worried I'll be affecting my own daughter, she also relies on grandma for junk food. I feel like because grandma feeds so much crap, I have to ensure she eats 'healthily' when with me and cant give her any snacks etc. But it turns out i have a completely whacked idea of what healthy is...I need to take part in family mealtimes more. i tend to cook but then plate it all up for everyone else or just skip the meal.

OP posts:
ElfrideSwancourt · 24/09/2017 13:18

@edibleweirdo I know exactly what you mean about cooking for the family but not eating it....
My mum would say exactly the same if I told her about my dysfunctional eating. I only go and visit her when I've lost some weight. She tells me off for eating too much fruit! Ha if she could only see the amount of chocolate I can put away!
I don't have the answers but at least you are recognising it and starting to deal with it. I also worry about my daughters- but they are both much better at stopping when they are full - I have no concept of this.
Please do pm me if you want to talk more

edibleweirdo · 13/10/2017 18:43

Things went great for me for a while - I ate up to my weight loss calories and sure enough lost 10/11lbs. This week I started forgetting to fill in my food diary and put on 1lb. When I did the dairy, I've been 7-800cals short for three days - ARGH!? I never thought it would be so hard to eat more?

I now have to find 1000cals before bed, I still have my evening meal but it will be 500 at most and i can barely face that let alone anything else :(

my diet programme is asking 'feeling tempted yet?' NO!? Seriously, what are other people eating? I've been eating whatever i want and I'm just staggered at the amount that would have to go in for me to bulk up.

OP posts:
ZeppelinBend · 13/10/2017 19:03

I don't have any ED but I totally understand about grossly overestimating the calories in things. I struggle to put on weight and when logging my food a while back was surprised to see how little calories some things can be. I feel like I need to constantly eat to reach them or eat really unhealthily. I dislike the fact it makes food take up too much headspace too when I've only ever ate whatever the hell I want when I wanted.

I hope you manage to recover from this now you are aware of the issue Flowers

edibleweirdo · 13/10/2017 19:28

oh, YES I would love to just not think so much about food all the time :(

OP posts:
DuckEgg86 · 05/05/2018 09:15

Wow. I just realised this is me. For example I won’t eat in the mornings. I won’t eat until 11am. Then I’ll eat lunch like a salad - although I’ll protein and veg on it I’ll also put nuts in it to up the calories. I’ll snack on 7-10 almonds. I’ll drink coffee. Then for tea I’ll have protein and veg. Then I’ll binge before bed like eat 2 penguins bars and a twister.

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