Known egg donor stipulating one child only

[Pouragandt]

Gosh, well I've had a bit of a shocker today.

So after several losses following having our healthy daughter 10 years ago, my sister kindly agreed to being mine and my husband's egg donor so that we could try and conceive again. We also used a sperm donor and were blessed with a healthy son 2 years ago.

We have always wanted 3 babies so decided now's the time to try again - we're very fortunate to have 5 good quality frozen embryos from the IVF cycle with my sister's eggs and the sperm donor. I'm 42 so time is of the essence!

I let my sister know yesterday that we were going to do another transfer as soon as possible and she said she feels let down and disappointed that we didn't discuss it with her first.

She then went on to say today that she only went ahead with the egg donation on the assumption that it was for our 'long-awaited second child' and she doesn't want us going again. I'm so upset that I may not have another baby and that I might have to destroy our embryos (after having lost 3 babies in the past; one full term) just to respect my sister's wishes. Am I right in thinking she's being unreasonable?! Please send help! X

[Moonshine11]

Hey!
What was the discussion at the time of freezing the eggs?

[DistrictCommissioner]

Seems like a massive oversight that this wasn’t discussed at the time. Tricky. I would suggest mediation?

[CatherinedeBourgh]

I really think you should have broached it with her before deciding to do another transfer.

She was incredibly generous to donate her eggs, I think her stipulation is reasonable too.

[Justdowhatyouweretold]

Maybe she struggles with the reality of there actually being a child as a product of a this,

Badly worded but you know what I mean.

[ApolloandDaphne]

Ooh that is a really hard one morally and ethically. Once she gives you her eggs are they all technically yours? And they are now fertilised so they aren't just eggs but actually embryos. I suspect you can go ahead if you wish but it may damage your relationship with your sister. Would she agree to counselling with you and your DH so you can get all concerns and issues out in the open and maybe find a way forward that works for you all?

[Foxhasbigsocks]

I can see why she is surprised and also why this issue hadn’t occurred to you.

Have you asked her why she doesn’t want you to have another baby with the donor eggs?

[ApolloandDaphne]

Has your sister got children of her own?

[Celandines]

Does she maybe find it hard knowing your ds is half her chromosomes?

[Foxhasbigsocks]

I know she’s said she only thought one, but I mean why it’s a problem for her? Maybe she’s found it difficult emotionally?

[HooverPhobic]

Didn't this come up with all the HFEA documents you would have had to agree to?

[DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult]

You should have included your sister in the discussion rather than presenting it to her.

It sounds like you've got carried away with planning another and forgotten her generosity.

Ultimately if she says no, I think it will have to be a no. As hard as that is for you.

Not easy for any of you

[Lavender201]

This is just my opinion (I know nothing about the subject) but I think if she doesn’t want you creating another child that’s half her genetic material, you have to respect that. There’s no way you can go ahead and do this without her consent.

[HooverPhobic]

I mean, whether or not anyone thinks she's being unreasonable, she absolutely has the right not to have another biological child. This would have been discussed at the time, surely.

[FourTeaFallOut]

She's not being unreasonable. How could you think that?

[Dyrne]

I’m absolutely amazed that this wasn’t covered at the time of the original donation - didn’t you have counselling via the clinic which covered plans for any “spare” embryos?

I think you definitely need to seek some sort of professional help here to help you navigate - I can understand your feelings but I can also see why your sister is feeling completely blindsided here.

[TheYearOfSmallThings]

This would definitely have been discussed before any UK clinic would proceed with harvesting her eggs.

[Tubbs99]

Maybe she’d got her head around you and your DH raising one of her DC, however wasn’t anticipating you having another one of her DC? I guess it depends on how much you value the relationship with your DS.

[S0upertrooper]

When we did IVF 17 years ago we (DH and i) each had to sign over ownership of embryos to eachother in the event of eachothers death. I'm really surprised that ownership wasn't covered when she donated her eggs.

Is this a case that legally you own the embryos but she just doesn't want you to implant them?

[FourTeaFallOut]

I'm so upset that I may not have another baby and that I might have to destroy our embryos (after having lost 3 babies in the past; one full term) just to respect my sister's wishes.

Just? Just to respect your sisters wishes? This is the sister who gave you her genetic material and watches you raise her biological child? Just to respect her wishes??

[Persipan]

@ApolloandDaphne you suspect wrongly, I'm afraid. Assuming the OP had treatment in the UK, donors can withdraw consent at any time prior to transfer. OP, I know that sucks, but that's how it works so if she decides she's not okay with more of the embryos being used then that's her right.

FWIWi don't know that I really see her feelings as unreasonable. I think it's more that it's a really difficult situation. It's complicated by the fact she's a known donor; if she were a stranger who withdrew consent you could, quite understandably, feel very saddened by that without the added family factor.

I wonder whether seeing an actual child, but not her child, be born from her eggs, and presumably having some sort of ongoing relationship with her nephew, may have been harder than she'd anticipated?

Best suggestion I can make is to see whether she'd be prepared to have some more implications counseling. I'm not necessarily suggesting this would or should change her feelings, but she could at least then process them with a neutral person who's aware of what's involved. But ultimately, if she says no, she says no.

I'm sorry you're in such a difficult situation. All the best.

[Viviennemary]

I agred with your sister. They are her eggs do really her child. This kind of thing is fraught with pitfalls.

[bengalcat]

If you’re in the UK once the eggs are donated then your sister has no legal say in their fate . What a difficult situation for all of you . As others have suggested consider a meeting with the clinic counsellor and involve your sister if she’s agreeable - not necessarily altogether at first .
Good luck .

[FunMcCool]

I can see both sides. Mediation is a good idea. Sorry for your losses.

[whattodo2019]

I tom wanted 3 children but stuck at two. We can't always have what we want... sadly nowadays I think we forget this...

[Fieldsofstars]

They’re not your embryos though are they, genetically speaking they’re your sisters.
You’re being selfish if I’m honest op. I’m really sorry for what you’ve been through, but please don’t behave in this way.
Your sister gave you a gift many people wouldn’t accept, never mind give.
Your decision here affects her. Respect her wishes.