Telling family and friends

[Apple04]

We are doing DE IVF and if successful we will definitely tell our child from as early as possible. My current dilemma is who else do we tell and when?

I'd been planning on telling my parents and siblings before treatment but when it came to it I couldn't as I was really worried how my parents would react and would they understand? It's a really difficult conversation to have and anxiety got the better of me. DH doesn't want to tell his family until after a child is born, if we are lucky enough to be in that position.

I had planned on also telling a few friends but I'm now rethinking that as I worry about how many people would know if they were to tell anyone else.

Has anyone got any advice on how to navigate this situation? I'm finding this really quite stressful.

[katy1213]

It's nobody's business but your own - why do you need to tell anyone?
It'll be years before your child is old enough to understand.

[Persipan]

I told my close family and friends before my baby was born - I figured they'd need to know eventually, since he'll be bound to talk about it at some point and I wouldn't want them reacting with surprise/shock at that point. I think that in the same way you want it to be a matter-of-fact piece of information that's not A Big Thing for a donor-conceived child, I also wanted it not to not be A Big Thing for family and close friends either, and waiting (until some unspecified future point) felt like it was pushing it into that territory. They took it really well, without exception.

Incidentally, people who don't know are constantly telling me he looks like me. I find that mildly amusing but if it's something you're likely to feel at all sensitive about, it's another argument for getting the information out to those who are closest to you.

[IamnotwhouthinkIam]

I'm using a sperm donor, rather than egg donor (yet) so can't help personally- but if you haven't already, it might be worth contacting the Donor Conception Network charity once you are pregnant. I know they have programmes and leaflets on Talking and Telling to friends and family (as well as the children themselves, geared to different ages) and they can likely put you in touch with more people in the same position as you who might be able to advise.

[Brunilde]

We told everyone at the point we told them I was pregnant. Like you we are very sure we will bring him up knowing from an early age so didn't ever want it to be a big thing or for anyone to be shocked if he spoke about it. It's something we considered very carefully. We will explain to teachers etc or anyone spending a lot of time alone with him so they know we are happy to be open about it if he decides to discuss it. Now he's here although everyone knows it's a none issue and doesn't really come up much at the minute.