Sperm donor clinic or sperm donor friend

[smileygirl1995]

Hi all, so I have a question that's been going through my head for a few weeks now, I have a donor picked out I've known him for about 9 hrs now and we've built up a good relationship over that time, he's got a partner (been with her for about 20yrs, and two girls between them, he's Also it other children but those were through sperm donation so technically not his, anyway my question being as I've known him so long I feel happy to use him as my donor he's had all the checks and will do again when the time comes, but if I was to go down the route of sperm donor clinic where do I start and what can I expect?
I fear my weight will hold me back, that they will tell me I'm to fat and not fit to be a mother, (I'm doing something about it don't panic)
I always had it in my head that I'd use this donor, but I thought I would try both options to be able to rule it out properly.
Can anyone shed any light on the matter...?
I'm based in Cornwall I'm not even sure where my nearest or lock sperm bank/clinic would even be?

[smileygirl1995]

Was supposed to say "9yrs" not hrs silly phone :)

[OhHolyJesus]

Your friend will be the father and have parental rights as he isn't an anonymous donor but he is supplying sperm. Is that what you want? Have you discussed how that will work, did you anticipate having sole custody? I think you should perhaps get some legal advice from a family lawyer.

As your friend he would know the child and his child/ren would be related and if you live close by your children would perhaps go to school together, have you talked about this maybe also with his partner?

Of course anonymous donors via a clinic is totally different. You can look at HFEA for more on donors and what the implications are for a donor conceived child.

[OhHolyJesus]

Sorry I've re-read and the children won't be related but has he adopted and have legal responsibility for the children who I assume are his partner's?

[FannyCann]

I'm confused. Did his partner have children via a sperm donor before getting together with him? Or he's got two girls with his partner and other children with ?who? but they aren't his children anyway as they are via spermicide donation?
And over the period that you've known him (9 years - phew, I was a bit shocked at 9 hours) you've been planning to use him to father children for you. What does his partner think of this? Call me old fashioned but I'd be a bit put out if someone was lining up my husband to father children for them. And why has he gone and had checks? What checks? Is that from a sperm bank/clinic? Or did he stump up £££ for private checks for - what? STD's? Sperm motility etc? Just in case anyone wanted a shot?
It all seems rather odd  And if you don't have any nearby clinic, where did he go for those checks?

So many questions, it all seems a bit of a minefield.

OhHolyJesus advice re the legal situation seems sensible. You don't seem to have thought that through. Has he or his partner thought about that side of it? Could be somewhat complicated not to mention unexpectedly expensive.

[FannyCann]

• via sperm donation - not spermicide donation!

[FannyCann]

Does his partner even know? It might be polite to include her in the conversation.

[FannyCann]

Does this man know about this?

[ArchbishopOfBanterbury]

Even if he is a sperm donor through a licenced clinic, he'd get parental rights and be the legal father, as a known donor.

Unfortunately you can't go through a clinic using someone you know as a donor.

[OhHolyJesus]

You say you always had it in your head to 'use this donor', so to have your friend father your child, though you have known him for 9 years and he's been with his partner for 20 years...and he's had checks but will have checks again. If he's with one partner why would he need checks again, for sperm mobility?

I'm sorry OP but the more I think about the more odd it sounds. I think this could present future problems for you, your friend and his family.

You also sound nervous of going to a clinic in case they say something about your weight. I doubt that would happen but maybe others can shed some light on that.

You don't need to be a healthy weight to buy the sperm though there may be risks like gestational diabetes that would mean you might have a harder time in pregnancy. Have you sought medical advice on this? I know you said you were doing something about it but don't think a clinic will discriminate against you or judge you for your weight.

[smileygirl1995]

Sorry completely forgot I posted this and forgot to check till now.
Yes I understand I will have sole custody I’m going into this as a single mum, that’s what I want, he will not be on the birth certificate and I’ve written up an agreement that we will sign. I know in court or anything like that it will stand for nothing but it’s for my peace of mind and his in a way.
His children are both mid and late teens so wouldn’t be in the same school, when any future children of mine were old enough I would explain about how they were conceived so if they wanted to meet any of there biological half siblings they could, I wouldn’t stop that.
His two children he has that live with him are both his and his partners, and his partner was actually the one who suggested being a sperm donor in the first place.

Without going into details a friend of theres had struggled for years to conceive they had joked about even using a spear bank, that’s when my donor let’s call him Fred that’s not his name I’m just gonna call him Fred for now so it’s not as confusing) well that’s when Fred’s partner realised that actually Fred could help out, obviously it wasn’t as simple as that, and lots of detailed talks, tests and checks later but they did actually intern do that and she had a little girl and I believe 2yrs later had a boy.
So long story short his partner is actually fine with it she just likes to know where he is going if he does donate but the less details the better she’s older now as I say they’re kids are both teenagers now and she hit menopause quite early on so also realises how important it is to have kids when you can and how difficult it is to find someone to settle down with.
Sorry trying to squeeze 9yrs worth of conversations into one paragraph haha 😂

[smileygirl1995]

I don’t know how many donations he’s done over the years I know there friend wasn’t the only lady, not all have been successful.
I know he’s safe to use and I trust him I’ve given him so many chances over the years to run a mile this journey for me started years ago (obviously) so there’s been plenty of Times I’ve had complications in my own life and problems that have caused me to hit the pause button but he’s still stuck around even if it’s been months or years between contact (whoops)

He’s had checks again without wanting to get into details I know of at least one of the donations where intercourse (ni) was had as apposed to (ai) so before and after he wanted the relevant checks to make sure, I’m not sure how he went about them but again it’s in a list to ask him again soon I’ve got a growing 20 questions sheet to give him haha 🤣

Both times I’ve written on this post have been late and night so I apologise if none of it makes sense, completely understand the 20 questions from some of you, it all seemed like a minefield to me so at the start but after a few years of talking and researching it’s slightly less so now.

[smileygirl1995]

Hopefully that will make a bit more sense to you all now, or I'll re read this in the morning and see I've made it worse haha 😆
I realise it will come across as Ive pretty much made up my mind but I suppose I never really looked up as much about clinics as I did about other ways of donations.......have looked up a few since and London sperm bank seem great but I have no clinic to get the sleek sent to as nothing is near Cornwall lmao

[smileygirl1995]

Sperm* not sleek 🤦🏽‍♀️

[OhHolyJesus]

Good to see you back again OP, so 'Fred' has donated before and has multiple children - with his Lerner who he is a father to and from the sperm he has provided both by having sex with a woman and by artificial insemination....I'm guessing 'Turkey blaster'/DIY method at home.

Is he a registered donor? If he's just a man giving away his stern he doesn't have the right to anonymity like official donors do as noted up-thread.

As you have drawn up a contract of sorts with him, have been friends for a long time and spoken about this over the years you do sound quite set on the idea.

Is something making you have second thoughts? Is he wanting to 'donate' by having sex and you are under pressure?

As he and his partner are friends of yours will the child know his/her father and siblings (the children he has with his partner I'm guessing you don't know the other children he has fathered from other similar arrangements?)

You don't have to put a name on the birth certificate as the father but Fred would have to pay child maintenance if you ever changed your mind and named him or if the child sought him out in the future it could be quite tricky to go against the 'arrangement'.

He might also meet the baby and fall in love and he would be able to get a DNA test to prove parentage.

I'm sure you've thought this all through it's just that people do change their minds.

As he (or rather his partner) offered you don't have to accept and it's obviously cheaper (or free, are you paying his expenses?).

You must have some concerns to be posting here...

[OhHolyJesus]

Apologies for spelling errors also! Typing in haste!

[Twizbe]

Personally I'd always use a clinic and not a private donation.

For a start you're going to get great sperm that has been really checked out. There is a limit to how many children one donor can father so you also don't run the risk of your child having lots of half siblings running around.

For a second you will get some support and help with working through future possible issues with donation. There will be some counselling as part of the process to ensure you're ready for what it brings. This can include how to talk to the child about their conception.

Yes, you will have to do a welfare of the child form (as anyone undergoing fertility treatment has to) and they might talk to you about your BMI. This is NOT them saying you're going to be a bad mother. But a lower BMI will increase your chances of success.

Finally, through a clinic all the legal issues are discussed and sorted before donation and pregnancy. It's much better for you and the child.

[FannyCann]

Gosh. I confess I found the casual way you are discussing "natural" insemination V "artificial" insemination rather shocking OP.
This is a man in a long term relationship. I know we live in an age of polyamory and open relationships but this is actually starting a second family.
It may take many more than one insemination attempt before you become pregnant (if at all).
I wonder - is it you or is it him that is attracted to the idea of "natural" insemination OP?
Is his partner really cool about this? Does she really know the plan? Has he, or you, been scrupulously honest with her?

And if you have a child, especially a boy, you may find you want your child to have a father in its life. And there is that father, conveniently living nearby.

Throw in all the legal and financial risks mentioned up thread and you are setting up a very tricky situation.

I'll be frank OP. This has all the ingredients of a Jeremy Kyle show.

I advise you to forget about your designs on this man. Go to your GP and ask for a referral to a fertility clinic. Your GP may also be able to give you some helpful advice to address your BMI and general health which can only be a benefit going into pregnancy.

[FannyCann]

Also OP - whilst you cheerfully chat about Fred having “all the tests” have you had any tests?
Even if you don’t go for ahem, “natural” insemination it’s a good idea to be sure you don’t have any STD’s before getting pregnant. Also, have you ever had any fertility investigations? It’s possible your weight is related to PCOS for instance.

As you said. Visit your GP for advice.

[FannyCann]

*As I said.

Sorry, weird bold fail.

[smileygirl1995]

Again sorry for late reply peeps, I’m not 100% sure of the amount of times he’s donated I know it’s not many (not like he advertises it lol) but he has done a couple other donation yes, I know of 2 of his children but no details as he keeps most of it confidential. ( not in a bad way either, not like he has anything to hide, but confidential to the person so not to give out personal information) I know one couple we’re same sex and ai was used the other lady was like myself which was why ni was used that was her preference, I actually spoke to her over Facebook, and she first used ai but wanted to give ni a try as it might have offered better chances, if I remember correctly she also had pcos so that was actually why she struggled for so long. Some of these conversations were from years back when I first got in contact with him so was quite a while ago.

It’s a “private arrangement” is what I’ve put it as on any thing I’ve looked up or written down etc, yes legally he would be the father, (in a nice way) he doesn’t want anything to do with any child born, he is happy for any parent or parents to be as giving or not with info or updates etc he asked for a picture when they’re born and updates every so often maybe a couple birthdays, I actually asked if they would write a card for his or hers 18th birthday, so if my child chose to get in touch they could decide, I plan to tell them from start as soon as they’re old enough to understand but not always possible.

[smileygirl1995]

Anyway going off topic...he hasn’t pressured me anyway what so ever, and as I said previously I’ve given him plenty of times before to call it quits and he’s always said if I need him he’s there, with the year being what it has plans had to be the re done and I got to the point of thinking it’s never going to happen, but actually I think this has gone on for so long I want this, it’s not just a phase it’s something I have done research on and really thought about il not getting any younger lol 😆
Im not actually friend friends with them at all, me and Fred have grown closer over the years but in no way will that ever progress to anything else, I would see what happens when Amy child of mine is born I suppose as to weather I want them all to meet properly.....they are local ish about 40-45 min drive so not likely to bump into each other at our local supermarket but if we did ever see each other in public and he was with his kids then I would like to think I’d introduce them etc but not sure it’s not really written in stone yet I suppose, anyway off topic again, if he did fall in love with them then that is a hurdle I would face then but I don’t feel it would ever happen.
He is also older which you’ll possibly have worked out as his kids are in there teens so he would probably wouldn’t want the hassle of a crying baby haha 😂
He is also free as such, he isn’t charging any expenses as he’s local and won’t need to book a hotel like some donors have to do, he drive his own car so no train of bus tickets etc

[smileygirl1995]

I apologise for how easily I talk about methods etc, I suppose after so long you get used to it I forget that it’s not the normal way for some people.
I will be going for ai as I don’t want ni so nobody is pressuring anyone with that that was me simply trying to explain some details without going to in-depth, or without wanting to make it sound more confusing which is easily done With these kinds of subjects lol 😆
I will be honest I don’t know what his wife does and doesn’t know she was the one who suggested him being a donor in the first place, he nor me have any intention of making this more then it is, it is a private arrangement between me and him, if she wasn’t happy I feel she would come to me and message me to voice her concerns, she’s not one to hold her tongue.

I want to do this on my own, as I said above I will try and be as honest from as early as I can be with my child but I will also allow them to contact him when they are 18 of the wanted to (or before if they really choose to)
Even at a. Sperm donor clinic you still have the risk of wanting a father figure for your child that is part and parcel in some ways....if that makes sense?

I realise when I’m writing it all down it sound mad but it’s not as complicated as it sounds, we’ve talked these things through over years worth of conversions and without going into more detail it will sound slightly nuts to others I understand.

I know I’m safe I’ve had relevant checks done don’t worry :)

[smileygirl1995]

I think that's most points answered but again it's late so who knows, by the morning I'll re read it and it will be a jumbled mess probably haha 😆 I'll be thinking what an Earth were you on about haha 😂

[Explain]

I've used a known donor and now have a 2 year old. Alongside all the checks and what not, I would say its important that both sides may change their mind about the contact they'll have with the child. What I mean is you might start off by saying he won't be involved at all in the child's life, but as time goes on you might find it beneficial for your baby to see your child once a year/month or whatever it is.

I would also say it sounds like you are close with this man. Its important to know that you are fully in this on your own, it could hurt if you see his other children living large and yours isn't.

[smileygirl1995]

Thank you, so nice to hear from someone who's done it before, i feel until they are born I don't know if I would prefer no contact or maybe like you say once a year maybe...I'm not saying I don't want them to see each other ever I just feel I would be better to make that choice later on after they're born.
I know him but not in anyway that I want it to go further, he is older and he is a male I don't have any interest in him what so ever, he simply has something I need (sorry that sounds crude) my intention has and always has been to do this on my own, I will of course have my family to help but I don't want the hassle of a man haha 😂