Should I think about a donor baby? Husband left- help please

(9 Posts)
Lulubaloo Mon 22-Apr-19 16:06:53

Sorry for long post!

I am 32 in a couple of months and have no children. I know that I really want to have a family. In the last few months I have had to start the process to get a divorce. We had been together 10 years.
My husband and I were trying for a baby without success other than an early miscarriage 6 months ago. He then said he changed his mind about having a baby with me, and had an affair.

I got a bit depressed from everything and think it will take me a while to be able to get back into dating. Adding to the mix I am fighting PTSD from an assault and some health issues.

I am a professional with a house I should be able to keep, a good social network and income. Once I can my health sorted I would like to have a baby. I am worried I would leave it would take too long if I started to look for another relationship as not sure when would be ready and if I have time biologically.

I have been looking at donor sperm, and adoption. I don't know whether to start this process on my own. My heart is going toward donor sperm but I worry about the impact on the child not knowing their father and whether it would affect my ability to have relationships in the future

Can anyone advise me? All ideas appreciated

OP’s posts: |
BlueberryFool123 Mon 22-Apr-19 16:16:20

Sounds like you have been through so much. flowers. I always say do no big decisions for a year after bereavement or something major (and you have had several of these). My advice would be get treatment for your PTSD. In a years time if you still want a child then I’d seriously consider donor sperm or adoption. Yes it may put off men from a relationship, but there will also be lots of men with children of their own etc.

lboogy Mon 22-Apr-19 16:18:38

I've not done donor egg thing, but for me personally, having a child was more important than having a man. Had I not met my husband I would have done donor sperm.

Sadly your fertility does decline as you age. If it's important to you should start making enquires now so you're prepared

Good luck x

HappyHedgehog247 Mon 22-Apr-19 16:23:07

Hi there

I’m so sorry you’ve been through such a tough time. Fertility does decline as you age but you may well still have time at 32. One option is to go and get some basic fertility checks that will help inform decisions. Egg freezing is another option. If you do decide to go the donor route, you may find the donor conception network worth looking at. They offer support for families who have gone the donor route and can help with thinking through the implications. Good luck x

Lulubaloo Mon 22-Apr-19 21:08:06

Thanks guys that's helpful. What are the best ways to get an idea of fertility .. go to a private clinic?

OP’s posts: |
Persipan Mon 22-Apr-19 22:32:43

I would echo the advice others have given about giving yourself some time - you've been through a lot. Getting a fertility workup done via a clinic is a concrete step you can take in the meantime, so you'll have more sense of how things stand with regards to your fertility.

As I understand it, the fact that you're still currently married could make things slightly complex legally. I'd recommend getting some legal advice from someone with specialist knowledge of this area, if you plan to try to conceive before your divorce is finalised.

Phoebs47 Thu 09-May-19 10:17:56

You could start with a visit to your GP. There are a lot of tests that you can get on the NHS that would save you a lot of money than if you had them at a fertility clinic.
Egg freezing is definitely a good option as you can then leave the actual fertilisation and transfer until you are ready, knowing that the quality will be much better now than in say 2 years time.
And as the others say, it will give you the time you need to get the help you need for your PTSD. All the best.

SurreyisSunny Sun 12-May-19 20:12:33

I’d recommend a fertility check. I had one at London women’s clinic. They from memory had an offer after one of their seminars.

I’m now 16 weeks and going alone by choice.

WhatAShewOff Fri 31-May-19 22:29:08

Daughter of a sperm donor here. To be brutally honest, I would not advise going down the sperm donor route. I’m active on lots of boards for DC people and I’d say that we’re split about 50/50 in terms of those who have no problem with their origins, and those who do. Think about deliberately depriving your child of a relationship with one of their parents. It’s huge. And it’s not the same as adoption, where you’re providing a solution for a child who already exists.

Please do your research and find out about all the many adults who feel as I do.

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