Donor sperm(6 Posts)
I'm really new to this.
Me & my husband found out about 3 months ago that he is unable to have children because he suffers from klinefelters syndrome, which means he has no sperm. We were referred to a fertility clinic & it's looking very likely that our only option is going to be donor sperm. He's finding this very hard to come to terms with, which I completely understand. I would just like to hear if any of you have been through this or a similar situation? How did you both cope with the news? Thank you
We used donor sperm. Our situation is different in that we are in a same sex relationship but we still had the discussions about how it would feel to have a child that was not biologically my partners - she was the older one and therefore it made sense for me to carry. She struggled to come to terms with the idea in the first place and I think did not feel that connected to him, until he was here IYSWIM. They are so close and he is much closer in personality to her than me and she adores him.
We had no option but to be open - because it is obvious that he is not biologically 'ours' - but for me, that openness and acknowledgement of his identity is very important so if I was in your situation I would do the same - we used a UK sperm bank so we had some basic details about the donor, and we have children's books about donor conception. Our children (we have two now - same donor) - know that we wanted children very much, that we couldn't without assistance, that a very kind man 'the donor' - gave his sperm to help and they grew from his sperm and my eggs. That he wasn't their 'dad' - they do not have a dad but they have a mummy and mama - but he is an important person that they can meet when they reach adulthood, should they want to.
When we started this journey, my partner was not comfortable with the notion that they may one day chose to meet him - but now that they are real people and very much her children, she feels very relaxed about it and would support whatever they wished to do.
Hope that helps in some way!
Oh and the children are completely fine and comfortable about it, no issues at all.
No direct experience, but I suggest you get in touch with the Donor Conception Network. They should be able to put you in touch with people who have been through or are going through similar.
Thank you for your replies!
That's what he's worried about, not having that bond with the child. Its good to know that your partner is so close with the child and hearing it from someone who's gone through it. I'm sure that when the time comes and the baby's here all of that worry will go and he will bond as he would if the child was biologically his.
Thank you we will definitely have a look at that website!
I am quite a long way into being a parent - my oldest daughter is now 13. My husband also doesn't make sperm and we now have three children using the same donor. I can honestly tell you that my husband's bond with the children isn't and never has been an issue. He is an amazing dad. Although all of our children have known, in terms they understand, that they are donor conceived, they aren't really that interested in talking about it. My 13 year old, when she found out about the usual method of conception, having known how she was conceived for many years, said it was disgusting and she would be using a donor too!!
Not that many of our friends know about the donor thing, but not because it's a great secret. It just isn't the sort of thing that comes up over coffee and our very closest friends have known from the start.
It seems like the hugest thing at the time, but to be honest, it has never caused any problems. Sleeplessness and the challenges of parenthood by far outweigh anything to do with the nature of my children's conception.
I can't promise our experience would be yours, but from all I've learnt through the years, children whose parents are open with them are as well adjusted and balanced as they would be otherwise. It's those who have had things kept from them that sometimes have a very hard time with things.
Do ask anything you want-I have pretty good memories of treatment and how it went, even though it's seven years since my last child was born.
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