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Shared motherhood through IVF

(59 Posts)
Jazsimone Thu 09-Aug-18 13:54:13

Me and my wife are just beginning our journey to have a baby! As we both want to be involved we have opted for shared motherhood ( me,carrying my wife's egg, with doner sperm- this will involve us having ivf treatment) We have decided this so we are equally involved! Due to the lack of suitable sperm in this country we have been looking at the California Cryobank (we have found the PERFECT donor!) Just wondering if any other same sex couples have gone through the same treatment or have used the this sperm bank???

Any advise or help will be really appreciated


Geluksvogel Thu 09-Aug-18 15:28:51

Hi Jaz my wife and I are doing this at the moment. I’m on my 5th day of my IVF injections. The idea is we create an embryo using my eggs and she carries. We used sperm from Cryos in Denmark. We have found them easy to deal with. We are also having treatment abroad which I’ve personally found brilliant contact wise. I’ve felt more in control and personally looked after. Some clinics in the UK specify which sperm banks they will accept sperm from so decide whether clinic or donor is more important for you. I’m sure there are some great UK clinics. I’m not sure how much I can help but ask away and good luck it’s definitely possible as we have friends who it has worked for so you’re in with a shout. If it doesn’t work then my wife will attempt with her own eggs and we will share motherhood that way. I don’t think anyone is more or less of a mother based on genetics but appreciate “shared motherhood” is the way it’s marketed by some clinics.

Jazsimone Thu 09-Aug-18 16:26:31

Thank you so much for sharing your story, we have spoken to the sperm bank and they have worked with our clinic that we have chosen!
Day 5 of injections you must be so excited?
I'm mixed race so finding a donor that meets our specifications is actually harder than we first thought!

Thank you so much again x

cazinge Thu 09-Aug-18 16:31:50

We have a little boy who is 3 months old on Saturday, due to my wife's age I carried using my own eggs but after 3 failed medicated IUI we conceived our 2nd IVF. I won't lie, it's brutal especially if it doesn't work and it's like gambling on red or black but if you win.grin

Good luck with your treatment.

1Wanda1 Thu 09-Aug-18 16:57:37

Hi Jazsimone. DW and I have done this and I am 14 weeks pregnant. I was confused by your comment about lack of suitable sperm in this country, because we had our treatment in London and our donor sperm came from the London Sperm Bank. I did look at a Danish sperm bank too, but by the time you add on the courier costs and the additional charges the clinic applies for using imported sperm, it became a significant extra cost on already-expensive treatment. So we went with the LSB.

Good luck with your treatment! It's an exciting time.

1Wanda1 Thu 09-Aug-18 16:58:25

I should add that the LSB seemed to have a lot of different ethnicity donors when we were looking (earlier this year).

Jazsimone Thu 09-Aug-18 17:00:37

Awww that's amazing! Congratulations! I am 27 and my wife is 29 in a few weeks... we are hoping that age is still on our side, it's crazy how everything declines once you hit 30! (We thought we were still young) hopefully once my wife has had her AMH blood test we will know a little bit more!
J x

Jazsimone Thu 09-Aug-18 17:02:05

See we check on a daily basis and at the moment there are only two donors that fit our criteria but one of them had restrictions and he only donates to heterosexual couples (which is fair enough)
J x

1Wanda1 Thu 09-Aug-18 17:18:17

You're both young. I don't think everything declines after 30 at all. Most of my friends have had their DC in their 30s and although it's true that at the later end of the 30s it can take longer to conceive and more chance of miscarriage, you both have years before then!

I hope you find a donor soon so that you can get started. I bet you're raring to go.

Geluksvogel Thu 09-Aug-18 22:11:31

@Jaz we are an ethnically mixed couple too and I completely understand where you are coming from if you want sperm from someone who isn’t ethnically European.
It’s currently surreal rather than exciting! I have my first scan tomorrow so I will see if it sinks in then! Good luck on your journey.

Allopinionswelcome1 Sat 08-Sep-18 23:33:40

Hi Jazsimone,

I know this is about a month old now but just wondering if you had got anywhere with the California Cryobank? If so do you mind if I ask which clinic you are with?

I identified a donor at the CC too, however I then called my clinic who said there was a block on all sperm imports from outside the EU unless the clinic had been approved by the HFEA to import from that sperm bank - and my clinic hadn't yet received it's certificate.

I was totally gutted as I was so ready to start this month, so I don't want to wait any longer, but I am so invested in this donor I literally cannot now imagine going with any other donor in the world!

I did call the HFEA who said that there's a massive waiting list for clinics to get approved, as after the new rules came in in April, every clinic had to submit an application for every non-EU sperm bank they wanted to work with, so they have hundreds to wade through. And by the sounds of it most were rejected the first time and had to be submitted again, so it could take months before the majority of clinics can import again...

Jazsimone Sun 09-Sep-18 17:18:22

Me and my wife went for our consultation on Thursday!
We are going with London’s women’s clinic. We have been given the same information, we are gutter as we had found our donor at the Californian cryobank! All clinics will only use British or European banks until they get the licenses! Me and my wife are not starting or treatment till the beginning of next year so or treatment co-ordinater has said “hopefully” clinics may have been given licenses by then but not to pin everything on it! We have now gone back to the drawing board and had another look at European banks!
I hope this helps, good luck on your journey!

1Wanda1 Sun 09-Sep-18 19:02:05

Good luck Jazsimone. We had our treatment at LWC - didn't work first time but it did work smile

Jazsimone Sun 09-Sep-18 19:29:01

Thank you! It is such a lovely clinic, wifey found out that she has 20 follicles and everything is looking very healthy... we are very impressed with the staff and clinic! Looking forward to getting started in the new year. X

Allopinionswelcome1 Sun 09-Sep-18 23:26:17

Glad your consultation went well! And good luck with the European ones. I have looked at Cryos and ESB but I really miss the level of information available in the US, which I felt gave a real insight into their personalities. Cryos does at least have extended profiles for some donors.

Jazsimone Mon 10-Sep-18 06:55:33

I totally agree with you, British banks offer you next to nothing, only how far they have come in their careers ( not an essential in my eyes)
Someone’s characteristics are far more important, the baby photos help with the European banks but like you say, they are fairly Vague.

shapeshifter88 Tue 11-Sep-18 08:53:04

we've done this with LWC and cryos denmark with a great extended profile and voice recording. it was all made really simple and everyone we dealt with was lovely. good luck ! smile

Allopinionswelcome1 Sun 16-Sep-18 15:52:30

Totally agree, @Jazsimone. It's comfortable to believe that environment is the most important thing and that we do have influence over our kids' behaviour, temperament, interests etc, but truth is a lot of this is genetic. Estimates for characteristics like intelligence, anxiety, openness to experience and risk-taking vary between 10 and 80% but looking at families I know with two kids and seeing how different they are has really made me believe it's more nature than nurture.

So for me the audio interview and donor essay ended up being far more important than hair and eye colour - once I had found someone I believed I'd connect with in real life, I felt a lot happier about the whole thing.

Kinnney Sun 04-Nov-18 17:49:15

Hi everyone,

Hope you don't mind me joining in on this thread.

We're a same sex couple, hoping to go down the egg sharing route (with my wife donating her eggs to help another couple). Using a private clinic, self funded.

We have our first appointment on Monday which is just an initial chat about costs, timescales etc. I'm hoping we can get on with the consultation, tests etc so that we can have an idea of when we can start treatment.

I've done the wrong thing by googling and getting bogged down in success rates, stories about bad experiences etc and all its done is made me more anxious than ever!

Currently making a list of the questions to ask on Monday and wondered if anyone has any suggestions/things they wish they had asked on their first appointment?

Jazsimone Sun 04-Nov-18 19:17:31

Hey, your more than welcome to join us ....
Me and my wife are currently going through the process and start taking all the medication at the end of this month.
Best thing to do is to go in knowing exactly when you want to start and how you want to proceed (who carries baby, who’s egg your using, etc)
On Monday you will get so much information it may become overwhelming but don’t let it put you off. The pricing can be confusing even if it’s stated that the treatment is free (most the time it’s not completely free) Ask your consultant to make it as clear as possible.
Do you know what route you are taking regarding sperm?
(Just asking because me and my wife found it difficult finding the perfect donor and rules and regulations are very strict)

Jaz xxx

Kinnney Sun 04-Nov-18 19:38:43

Hey Jaz,
Thanks for your response smile
We know the basics of what we want to do, my wife is going to donate her eggs to me. After a long conversation, she has decided that she wants to donate eggs to another couple as she feels that it's a really important thing to help other couples who might be trying to conceive. I support this, its an incredibly selfless thing to do.

Regarding your question about sperm, we're using Care in Sheffield and they apparently have a sperm bank/access to a sperm bank so we plan on asking about that tomorrow. Other than that, we've been looking into the London Sperm Bank and First Egg Bank. I'll probably end up asking if they have a good relationship with either of these if we have to go down this route.

I'm armed with a notebook and pen and plan on taking down all of the information they give us tomorrow.

Jaz, do you mind if I ask how long it took you guys to get started from initial meeting to get to the medication stage?

Jazsimone Sun 04-Nov-18 20:52:45

We are using London women’s clinic in Harley street which is opposite the London sperm bank. We went to an Inseminar in July but then didn’t go to our actual consultation until the beginning of September so it hasn’t taken us long really. We could have got it started sooner but we decided this was the right time for us due to funding and work commitments. Once you start the process I believe that it can actually go quite quick depending on other factors I.e finding the right donor. (We decided to go with Cryos in Denmark as they had a much better selection of donors for us)
I think if you are ready to start they are happy to get going but you just have to make sure it’s the right time for you both. You basically pick when your baby is born!

Nemo1189 Fri 04-Jan-19 00:09:29

Hello! Late to the party but would like to add to this thread. Me (25) and my wife (29) are currently going through NHS funded ivf treatment. We are on day 11 of the stims injections, egg collection is booked for Monday so it’s all systems go over here. It’s taken over a year to get to this point after tests and appointments we are relieved to see the back of waiting. We both have pathology issues, both of us have both severe PCOS and anovulation (hence funding) neither of us would be able to conceive without ivf intervention we have been told. My wife wanted to carry a baby and experience being pregnant, me not so much (I love my wine to much grin). When does your treatment start? Sending love and baby dust to you! smile

Jazsimone Fri 04-Jan-19 07:15:01

Hey Nemo,
Aww that’s amazing your nearly there..... we are on day 2 of injections, it’s all very exciting in our household. My wife has 3 scans next week and I have a scan on Friday with her. We were told hopefully if everything goes to plan that egg collection may be on the Saturday (fingers crossed)
Yay baby dust

Jaz x

Nemo1189 Fri 04-Jan-19 09:03:53

Yes thankfully almost at the end of it all. It’s exciting in our house too, trying to stay positive and hope for the best and we get a BFP! Things are moving along for you both then, fingers crossed for you both! Do you both have to take the ivf drugs to get your womb ready for your wives egg? If you wouldn’t mind me asking how much is reciprocal ivf? Best wishes x

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