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Qu for parents with child using sperm donors

(6 Posts)
TreasureInMyTummy Sun 03-Dec-17 02:17:57

Hello, I'm currently sitting here feeding my two week son after successful iui last February using donor sperm.

My question is for those who have already had children using donor sperm.

I'll start by saying I absolutely love my son and I'm over the moon with him, he delights me and I love looking at him all day every day ( and night) and just can't imagine my life without him already.

I do look at him though and can't see any of myself or my family in him. I end up staring at him trying to imagine what this man I've never met ( his father) looked like. I guess I thought I would see something in him that would look like me or my family ( hair colour, nose, feet, lips etc) Did anybody else feel like this? I still love him but it just feels a little bit that I've been given a baby rather than he's mine. That sounds strange but I hope someone understands what I mean.

Second thing that then plays on my mind at 2am in the morning is how do I know What the donor has said is true? I never thought to ask this at my clinic's seminar ( I went to LWC and used sperm from London Sperm Bank).
So I don't know if he was truthful about his educational or hobbies for instance. He also wrote a pen letter about himself and his family which is lovely but what if it's not real? Do the sperm bank check these things? Did anybody else ask this question?

Grateful for anyone's advice or thoughts they had following birth of their child(ren) xxx

user1472377586 Sun 03-Dec-17 02:39:39

Congratulations on your lovely baby!
My sister has 2 kids using donor sperm. They are now aged 2 and 4 (same donor - she defrosted an embryo for the second baby).

I have been interested to watch my sister's children change over time. There is an unknown factor with donor sperm - as a family we felt this initially when each baby was born, but as the baby grows older, this goes away.
You might not see anything of you in your baby now, but I think you will as he grows older! Two weeks old is very young. He has inherited half your genes.

FWIW: of my sister's children:
- her eldest (a boy) looks very much like the donor.
- her 2 year old (a girl) takes very much after my sister / our mother.

It really is chance.

With your second thing - so lovely that you have a letter from the donor. My sister used sperm from the US, and there was no letter. She did see a photo of the donor as a toddler, before making her choice of donor.

I have 3 children & the eldest looks like my mil. He also seems to have inherited some personality traits from my father. My daughter looks like my mum, and my youngest looks like how I imagined my children would like - a combination of me and dh!

Enjoy your lovely baby. All the best.

TurtleTree Sun 03-Dec-17 10:48:52

Hey Treasure, I'm only starting on my journey using donor sperm so don't fall into the group of those who have already had children, but wanted to add my thoughts.

I'd wondered the same as you about accuracy of anything a donor has written or said to the clinic. Unfortunately I think only the medical stuff is checked. I am sharing my eggs as part of my treatment so have had to submit a lot of extra info on health background, submitted my own hobbies etc and written my own letter to any donor children born.

The medical form I had to have signed by my doctor, and the clinic check a lot of things themselves with the bloods. However the rest (about me personally) they have just accepted what I've told.

My thoughts on this are that while people might embellish their lives to make sound more interesting, there is no incentive for them to outright lie. And I feel that nurture is the most important aspect in the hobbies/lifestyle/personality aspect, so you will be important in shaping that in your child. The medical stuff, which is more nature/genetic, has been checked. So I feel happy enough, and think we just have to accept that there is a certain amount of trust we have to give to the clinic/donor on some aspects.

pickle162 Sun 03-Dec-17 14:10:52

Treasure I was going to pm you earlier today but couldn't remember how to do it on the app. How are you and your lovely boy?
I'll be 22weeks tomorrow so no baba just yet but as you know I did the same as you.

So for part one: I picked a donor with similar characteristics-skin colour/hair etc so I would be able to hold on that something came from me(even if it didn't specifically)
I had my 21weeks scan last week and her profile looked like me so I'm hoping that I will see something of me in her.
Remember he's only a little squidge at the Mo so will change and he may have your personality rather than your looks.
I think it's normal to wonder more about the donor when little one is here so try not to beat yourself up about it.
My mate has 3 boys and they don't resemble her in the slightest so think even if know the Daddy that can be difficult

Part two: the clinic will only check the medical stuff but there really isn't any need for them to lie about the other stuff, they aren't trying to win a date or be the most popular. My letter and info seemed really genuine and I think to write a letter and lie would be really hard to do, it has to come from somewhere. Probably easier to embellish on simple questions but doubt the letter would be made up so try and put this out of your mind sweetie.
It's normal to have these worries, you got everything you ever wanted it's just those pesky hormones playing tricks on you.

Pm me anytime lovely xx

TreasureInMyTummy Wed 21-Mar-18 08:45:52

Hi @pickle162

I don't know how to pm!

Thanks for replying I've relaxed a lot about it now - can you believe he is four months now! I also found an old photo of me aged somewhere between 6 months and 1 year and I had the same facial expression as he pulls now and it made me realise he does look like me - just it's me as a toddler smile

When's your due date? How are you getting on? I still check the other thread now and then to see how everyone is getting on - it's great to see more positives ! I'm also made up for Kwick too

If you can figure out pm send me message it would be lovely to keep in touch xxx

pickle162 Wed 21-Mar-18 16:42:25

I've pm'd you smile yes so so happy for Kwick-fab news
I'm 37wk + 2 today with little girl x

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