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Help Needed

(4 Posts)
claireef Thu 09-Nov-17 17:26:26

Hi all, I am posting for some advice. I have been with my partner for 2.5 years now, we are getting married next may, he has three children with his ex partner, we don’t currently have any children, but are planning on try late next year medical issues allowing.
I don’t know anyone else of my friends/family who are in a situation such as mine, so I thought I would try here for some advice. My partner and his XW situation is very strained as she is the type of person to want her way all the time, and if anyone dares disagree she becomes exceedingly difficult. This is not just with my partner, this is with family and friends as well, as a result neither of her siblings have contact with her or the children and a lot of people have went from her and the children's lives.
Contact and communication with my partner and his ex have not been the best since they have split due to her manipulation, emotional abuse and bullying. I have tried my hardest to make him communicate with her as it is not about them, it’s about the kids, and things have improved slightly. XW and myself did have a cordial relationship, but she now refuses to speak with me after I have helped my partner word responses/emails to her as he is extremely intimidated by her due to their bad relationship, i am not welcome to any school events she is at, not allowed to the door to collect the children etc.
However, our main issue at the moment, is her refusal to accept that any changes/amendments to child care resulting in the children spending more time at mine and my partners house need to be discussed with myself as well. I do not involve myself in parenting decisions etc as, as much as I love my partner's children I am not their parent. I am however, the person that does the food shopping, buys clothes for the children, sorts the finances, keeps track of working rotas, days out, family events etc and generally keeps things running.
My partners XW asks to change nights/days etc - which is always agreed unless work stops this - as it means my partner - and myself - can spend more time with the kids. However, when my partner tells XW that he needs to speak to me first before saying yes WW3 always ensues. I have always encouraged and championed my partner to see his children as much as possible, even to the point that he has left me alone on Xmas Day because he had the opportunity to see them - XW has them xmas day and we have them boxing day - but she refuses to accept that it is courtesy/needed to speak with me before agreeing to changes. This is for practical reasons only. Can anyone give any advice on how we can try and overcome this particular obstacle?

Discotastic Thu 09-Nov-17 19:24:02

Hi claireef

You might get some responses in the step parenting section. But be prepared for a varying array of responses! I don't have any good advice to offer I'm afraid, I'm a step parent too and have experienced times where I used to regularly communicate with DHs ex wife and generally had a better relationship with her than he did, even though I had been the other woman! At this time I do not talk to her at all and I'm happy to keep it like that! This is after 8 years.
What did help was when she met her current DH who also had kids and had to deal with his ex as she wanted to appear the perfect step parent herself. Fortunately I suppose i have always attended the kids events that has never been an issue and the kids would never not include me.

I hope someone comes along and gives you some practical advice!

hodierna Wed 22-Nov-17 01:05:19

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tatae Wed 22-Nov-17 06:15:20

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