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donor egg counselling

(14 Posts)
user1491567530 Tue 27-Jun-17 16:45:51

Hello ladies, we have been through a roller coaster trying to conceive a second child. First child was conceived naturally in less than 6 months, born healthy, turning into a little madam ;) However, experiencing infertility issues with a BFN earlier this year and latest collection resulting in no good quality eggs.
Coming to terms with using an egg donor and moving forward with Reprofit. We've come a long way since rejecting the concept of using an egg donor when presented as an option because of my age (42). Did anyone go for counseling? If so, any recommendations in London? This is more about accepting the idea as I never want to be in a situation (if this works) that I compare my first child who is 50% me. It's also about how to tell, who to tell and when to tell my inner circle of friends. I don't like the idea of secrecy but also am not an open book. Not sure if all this makes sense, but there are so many emotions swirling inside me and I want to make sure I go into this experience as strong as can be. Would love to hear thoughts. Huge thanks x

Cutesbabasmummy Wed 28-Jun-17 15:40:23

Your clinic if reputable should give you counselling before accepting you for treatment.I would be suspicious of any clinic that didn't do this. By the time you've carried the baby for 9 months , given birth to it and breast fed it - it's totally your baba!

user1491567530 Wed 28-Jun-17 16:26:06

Huge thanks, Cutesbabasmummy. We've definitely chatted through the options with the clinic and it's come highly recommended. I was more thinking about more in-depth counselling as am torn on when/how/if to tell close friends in the early stages or when the child is more grown up (assuming this all works out). I am totally with you, carrying a baby and giving it love and all the amazing things that come along with parenthood is no substitute. I just want to make sure we go into this ready for some of the questions. Thanks so much.

Lilly08 Tue 18-Jul-17 18:06:03

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Cutesbabasmummy Tue 18-Jul-17 20:39:34

With respect Lily08 the op was asking about a specific set of circumstances and not surrogacy or adoption.

Fabuluce Wed 19-Jul-17 23:27:58

Hi User, we are just going through a similar scenario in that we already have DS1 who was conceived through IVF using my eggs. He's now 20mo (already!) and we've been looking at having another but sadly my age (44) marks me with a big fat NO WAY as far as any clinics are concerned even though my AMH and AFC aren't horrendously low. We are looking into clinics at the moment and I'm currently doing counselling. We had a joint session which was next to useless as my DH laughed and joked all the way through it and I wasn't able to even begin to talk about my feelings around it so I'm in the process of attempting to write a letter about it which I will then send to the counsellor in order to address at our next session. I know her through my old fertility clinic in London so that's why I'm using her but I would suggest looking at the Donor Conception Network for help on this. We've been really open about doing IVF so will be continue to be open about having a donor egg with close friends and family but probably won't offer it up as standard information as there will come a time when that is the child's information to share I guess. The things you have to think of in advance of doing donor egg IVF is insane - and I thought standard IVF was bad enough! Good luck!

KoryER Mon 31-Jul-17 19:07:19

hi! I've been diagnosed with infertility some months ago. my husband and I tried to have a baby naturally for 5 years, no luck. we went to our doctor and she ran some tests. the results were not great, on my side
she sent us to another doctor, where we took more tests.
eventually, I was said my eggs were low quality and were not able to develop into a healthy baby
we were told to try IVF and find an egg donor
but, I am afraid the baby won't be mine... I mean, it will be another woman's egg, not mine
we also considered my sister as an egg donor. but I have the same feeling, the baby won't be actually mine. do you think I should do counselling? will it help to soothe my fears and get the courage to try the treatment?
I really want to have a baby, after all, no matter what

SweetheartTreacleTart Mon 31-Jul-17 19:49:28

Sorry to hear that @KoryER. I would definitely recommend the counselling. I would say that actually going through pregnancy and bearing a child will give you such bond with the baby that it will be hard for you to feel the baby is not yours after you've gone through giving birth. The love you will give the child is what really contributes hugely to being its mother. All the best.

Cutesbabasmummy Mon 31-Jul-17 20:07:23

Hi. Counselling wont soothe your fears but will help you explore your feelings. I'm not infertile but chose to use a donor egg so as not to pass on a genetic condition. My son is now 30 months and he is truly the best thing ever. I look at him and I am so proud of him and can't describe the live I have for him. The woman carrying the baby dies have genetic influence on the baby am so if someone else had carried my son he would have turned out differently. Once you feel your baby moving inside you there are no feelings that they might not be yours. They wouldn't exist without you. It sounds like you definitely need counselling but your clinic will make you have it before they accept you for donor IVF. Good luck x

user1491567530 Sat 05-Aug-17 16:34:19

Hello all, sorry about the delayed message. For whatever reason, I was not getting notifications.

First of all, @Cutesbabasmummy I recall seeing a message weeks ago
from someone with slightly insensitive comments. Thanks so much for stepping in and setting them straight. You seem to know firsthand what it's like to carry a donor egg so thank you for sharing the experience above. I can absolutely understand what you mean about the bond - your words are beautiful.

@Fabuluce you're right, I'm going to look at the Donor Conception Network in addition to the research I've done. We're moving ahead with a donor in the autumn so will make sure to see someone before. Exactly like you, my daughter was conceived with my egg (naturally) so I didn't think much about how difficult the journey for the second child would be. IVF is excruciating and it seems like such a surefire option. I had good results for AMH but the problem lies not in the quantity but the quality. Why do I feel like no one really warned me about this? The media paints such a different picture. Anyway, here we are, and I agree about being open with close friends and family. I just want to know how far I go with telling as the last thing I want to do is feel ashamed or like I'm hiding something. At the same time, if this works, I want my child to find out through us rather than through other ways. I think when these children are older, donor eggs won't seem so strange. Thankfully we live in a far more open and liberal society.

@KoryER definitely get counselling, I think it will liberate your mind. That's exactly what I need this for. I hear what other women who've been through this are saying - it's easy to feel "lost" or afraid when it's an idea. But the moment something grows inside your belly or appears in front of your eyes then it's a little person to love and nurture. That's parenthood.

@SweetheartTreacleTart What you say hits the nail on the head. Thank you.

Thanks so much for all the support, it's so reassuring.

Megha22 Thu 10-Aug-17 12:22:20

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May15 Mon 16-Oct-17 17:26:14

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SeaWitchly Mon 30-Oct-17 12:27:57

You can source an accredited and experienced fertility counsellor via
www.bica.net/holding.php - their website is currently undergoing a revamp but you can access referrals via the links they provide.

I would definitely recommend speaking about this with a professional counsellor with specific expertise in this field prior to making any decisions one way or another, both individually and with your partner. It is really important to have proper support in place and to feel safe enough to ask all the questions you need to prior to making decisions about clinics, UK or abroad, treatments, donors and also potentially when to say 'enough is enough' and stop.

Best of luck!

hellofromhere Mon 30-Oct-17 13:28:37

Thank you so much @SeaWitchly. Really kind and supportive. I shall take a look.
Thanks again x

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