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Can anyone help me think this through?(7 Posts)
I am a long time lurker, but a first time poster and I'm looking for a little help. Basically, my husband and I have gone through four failed IVF cycles and feel like we need to consider other options. So we're now weighing up adoption versus using donor sperm (we have male factor infertility). We have always been open to both options, but are finding it incredibly difficult to make this decision.
On the one hand, I think we should adopt, but then I worry that perhaps we aren't strong enough to cope with the different style of parenting that I imagine is required of adoptive parents. How do you take the plunge and go for it? I worry that if we decide to go for it, we might later discover that we don't have the skills to parent a child with extra needs. But then I think that actually we do have a lot to offer and will probably be ok.
Then my mind turns to using donor sperm and I wonder whether this is an easier or more difficult option. Would our future child wonder why we brought him or her into the world without being able to contact their biological parent until they are 18? Would they reject my husband and be angry? Is it moral? (having said that, I don't judge people who have used a donor, so I think it sits ok with me emotionally). Is it selfish to use a donor when there are children waiting to be adopted?
I genuinely don't know the answers to these questions and they certainly are big ones. If anyone has been in this situation, I would really value your thoughts. I know this decision is incredibly personal, but hearing other people's views might help my husband and me to get to the root of our own preference.
Many thanks x
We were once in the same position as you currently are.
We looked into adoption but because of my work, our application got refused by the private and council sectors.
So the decision was made for us.
To be approved for using donor sperm we had to have a counselling session but this was insignificant to us as we had been trying for 17 years and the counsellor knew us inside out beforehand. (No pun intended)
We went to IVI Alicante & it was the best thing we did
We used FertilityFriends for info and our UK clinic linked to Spain.
No emotional hang-ups etc from me, DH, our families or friends
Happy to answer any q's
Thank you so much Morecaffeine! I have PM-d you x
We had donor eggs but another success story here from Ivi Alicante
The only thing I wanted to say was please don't think you're selfish for trying donor/ivf to start a family. There's a nonsense (IMO) view that somehow those of us who are infertile ought somehow to be more altruistic and go straight for adoption. In that case, everyone ought to. Having children that one gives birth to is a wonderful thing but pretty much always for the benefit of the parents. This changes of course when adoption is involved-but why should I be more altruistic than someone whose husband makes sleep?!
Makes sperm! If he made sleep I'd be delighted!
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