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How do you pick a donor?

(13 Posts)
Toria73 Tue 16-May-17 22:35:06

Hi, I've been told today that I'm good to go with IVF & to start checking out sperm donors on the European Sperm Bank site.
OMG the info on there is way too much, it's overwhelming. If I was hooking up with a guy in real life I'd never get that much info or even think to ask about mum's mum's health before getting it on with him!!
Any ideas/advice on how to choose a donor would be welcome as I have never done this before.
I should probably add it's just me, hence the need for a donor so I don't need to worry about picking characteristics that match a (nonexistent) partner.

Persipan Wed 17-May-17 18:13:43

My approach was to pick one or two factors that mattered most to me, and use them to narrow things down. It's totally up to you what those factors are, and they vary a lot from person to person, but if you try just looking at every bit of information you'll go round the twist. So, filter based on what's most important to you, and then things like grandmother's health can come into play once you're looking at a smaller number of potential donors. (Unless grandmother's health is your most important factor! And it's fine if it is; there's no right or wrong to what you feel is important).

Toria73 Wed 17-May-17 20:44:36

Persipan - thanks for that, appreciate it. Once I'd given myself a stern talking to about remaining calm & reminded myself of all my exes & how there isn't a definitive type of guy that I go for, I'd arrived at a similar conclusion. So height it is then, if this is going to work I think any child of mine is going to need some help there in order to have a fighting chance of hitting average height 😂

GirlcalledJames Fri 19-May-17 12:11:18

If I were in your situation I would match to myself in terms of hair, eyes, skin tone, build. I'd feel like maximising the similarities between the child and me would be the best approach to avoid the child feeling that they have some characteristic from a mysterious anonymous person.
We used donor sperm in a partnership so we took the average of our characteristics as we will both have a child from the same donor. Only exception was eye color where we took grey as I have grey eyes and couldn't pass this on with a brown eyed donor as grey is recessive.

GirlcalledJames Fri 19-May-17 12:14:01

Legally (am not in UK) we could only know hair, eye, skin colour, height, weight, age, sexuality, ethnicity, profession. I wouldn't have wanted to know much more. Also, the donor was 21. I'm sure a lot of aspects of his life could be different at 30.

PhoenixMama Fri 19-May-17 16:52:50

It's kind've like internet dating isn't it lol! My choice was slightly easier as DD and I have a specific hair & eye colour but I also looked at personality traits. What sealed it for me though was the letter he'd written for the future parents!

Toria73 Fri 19-May-17 18:21:38

@PhoenixMama, it kinda is like internet dating but you don't get to do the deed 😉😂 Some of those letters are lovely aren't they? Some I have seen have been an immediate not you but there's a couple that have made me quite emotional.
If you don't mind me asking you all, has ivf using donor sperm worked for you & if so, how many attempts did it take?
The other thing that I was thinking about is I'm 43 right now, a lot of the donors are early 20s. If ivf is successful we would cover 3 generations in one biological family!! I would be the mother of a child who was from a guy who was also young enough to also be my child... is that not a bit screwed up? Am I overthinking this?

PhoenixMama Fri 19-May-17 19:34:34

I think you're overthinking it lol. If, and it's a big IF, the child meets the donor at 18 then it's probably quite good/cool that they're not as old as us lol. Probably more relatable. I haven't done ivf (yet) I did my first iui on Monday. In the dreaded tww now! I just turned 42. Masses of good luck with your choices. I'm kinda besotted with my donor now so hoping he works lol.

Toria73 Fri 19-May-17 20:09:02

Yeah I am totally overthinking aren't I!! But I get how you could get besotted with a donor, I have a first choice but been advised to have a 2nd & a 3rd just in case but nobody is matching up as well. A 'you'll do' is not an attractive option 😉
Wishing you big luck too! I really hope the dreaded wait isn't too hellish & that it all works out for you. 🦄

pickle162 Sat 20-May-17 16:08:17

I chose mine based on hair and eye colour and skin type so that the child hopefully looks like me. So I basically chose a donor who was similar to me. So once I'd filtered everyone else only had to chose between 2 or 3 and then went with what felt right
I used Brighton sperm bank and I'm totally in love with my (gay) donor, I got given more info about him that would usually have to pay for as my first donor pulled out thankfully before I'd started any treatment. I brought 6 straws of him so had back up if this cycle didn't work
Me and Phoenix are iui twins and had our first iui on the same day so both suffering this dreaded tww or twot together

When are you looking to have ivf? Best of luck

Toria73 Sun 21-May-17 12:49:09

I think it will mid June, early July depending on my cycle & if they're starting on day 1 or day 21, will find out at consent appointment 01/06.
Hope the wait isn't too frustrating & wishing you big luck too 🦄

Rockhopper81 Tue 23-May-17 23:54:49

If I were in your situation I would match to myself in terms of hair, eyes, skin tone, build. I'd feel like maximising the similarities between the child and me would be the best approach to avoid the child feeling that they have some characteristic from a mysterious anonymous person.

I didn't initially think of this - in fact, I initially thought of blonde hair (I have dark brown!) - but having decided to go with a known donor, his eye and hair colour is pretty similar to mine. I suspect this very dark brown would've overwhelmed anything anyway - I get it from my dad! - but it's good to know I'm likely to share eye and hair colour with any future child. We have slightly different skin tones (I'm quite pale, he is nearer to olive skinned) and different builds, but our ages our only a year apart.

To be totally honest though, I found the profile more appealing than the physical details - you know sometimes when something just 'clicks'?

I think you will know when you see it - narrow down by definite characteristics first, then look at the details.

Toria73 Thu 01-Jun-17 22:04:06

Thank you all for your advice. Decision has been made & order placed!
In the end I was totally swayed by the profile & although his colouring (eyes & hair) doesn't match mine it does match up with my mum, sister & a number of cousins.
I hope it is all working out for you all 💕

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