Is time running out for me at 28?(18 Posts)
I am really considering having an IUI with donor sperm (single lesbian). I keep putting it off, worried about what family and friends will think of me willingly choosing to become a single mother by a man I will never meet. The years seems to be passing so quickly, summer, then Christmas, then summer again, I feel like I'm getting older and need to start making plans. My mum went through early menopause so I'm also worried the same may happen to me.
I don't even know how to begin the process, or how much it'll cost. I don't think I have any fertility problems, I have regular periods and can tell when I'm ovulating.
Anyone care to share their experiences?
I don't think so Kat, I would like a child sooner rather than later as I don't want to be an older mother (not that there's anything wrong with that)
Then go for it. Who cares what friends/family think! It is your body, your life and hopefully your baby. I have no experience with donor conception but I know many on Mumsnet have so hopefully they will be along soon with advice. Good luck
Perhaps go for some fertility tests and start looking into your options? Do you feel ready to be a parent?
not that I did
So ready! Well apart from the fact that I'll need to move somewhere bigger, maybe closer to friends/family... it always feels like it's the 'wrong' time because of my current circumstances, keep telling myself, I'll do it when I move, I'll do it when I've got some more money saved up, I'll do it when I meet someone ready to help me, or when I have a more established career or start my own business and run it for a couple of years... but I've been single for six years now and I've always been happier on my own.
See if you can get your AMH levels checked, it's a blood test that will let you know ovarian reserve and give you a good idea how much time you have to play with.
Make an appointment with a fertility clinic and they will check AMH and count your antral follicles. Many also offer implications counselling so you can think through the decision and understand the legal framework around contact a bit better.
Feel free to come and join us on the donor conception thread. Some are doing treatment here and some abroad. Some with donor sperm from the uk and some using a uk clinic but sperm from abroad. You'll hear lots of experience there! If you read the intros on the latest thread you'll get an idea.
The Donor Conception Network is a useful source of information too.
Hi Jain! I related to a lot of your post. I've been single since I was 28, I'm now 32 and about to start fertility treatment with donor sperm, and feel very positive about it.
I have had it in the back of my mind as a plan for a few years, but started thinking seriously about it last summer. My first steps were to do some reading on the Internet, like witch I'd recommend the Donor Conception Network which has some great information for single women, and helped me to realise that I'm so far from alone in making this decision. I also bought 'choosing single motherhood' by Mikki Morissette which I have found very useful.
After that I called a local clinic which runs open evenings including one specifically for single/lesbian women, going along to that was so helpful to understand the process, and what the costs would be.
I too worried about what other people would say, I was especially worried that people would think I was too young to be doing it this way and should wait. But actually I've been constantly pleasantly surprised by how supportive those I've told have been. I was very choosy about who I told in the beginning when I was feeling more tentative about things, but actually overwhelmingly people have been very supportive. And now I feel strong and confident enough in my decision that I can handle a few doubters and brush off any negativity.
Support on here has been invaluable too - please do have a look on the Donor Conception thread, everyone is lovely! Even having the support that I do from friends and family, it has been so reassuring and helpful to talk to other people who understand what I'm going through.
Like you I feel very happy on my own, and confident that I can provide a loving, stable environment for a child. Totally agree that there's never a 'right' time! I think that is the same whether you're married, single, or whatever. Since making this decision I feel very confident that I'm ready and just want to get on with it
I'd really recommend seeing if you can pop along to an open evening at a clinic as a first step of you're thinking of going down that route, it really helped clarify things for me.
To me, it sounds like you are ready but you're worried about other people. Are they likely to change their minds as you get older? I guess not so there's no benefit waiting just for them.
I am a parent with a husband and I'm being honest it's still hard. Make sure you get your support around you for the early days / months. If there's no man in your life (presumably not 😀) then think about male role models.
Good luck with it all.
Oh yes. In case you wonder why I'm barging in on your thread, we had our son with donor eggs (mine were knackered - another reason to get on with it if you're planning to) so the donor conception threads always catch my eye.
I'm a woman married to another woman (both bi). She's expecting our first. We used a donor.
We've never felt that she'll pregnant 'by' this man, fwiw. A kind stranger sold us some cells, but it was a gynaecologist who made her pregnant.
We are 7 years older than you, and don't feel too old to be new parents ourselves, but that's just us. In the intervening time we've paid off our mortgage and saved up enough for us both to not have to work until the baby starts school, so for us, being older has been a huge advantage.
Definitely don't freeze eggs; only 5% of frozen eggs lead to a live birth. Freeze embryos with donor sperm if you freeze anything.
I did this, ish: also a lesbian who deliberately set out to be a single mother via donor insemination, at an age younger than the point where most people seem to think the scales tip and it's understandable for a single woman to try to have a baby alone... I was 24, am 29 now.
I've loved it and although it has been world-breakingly hard at times, I wouldn't swap the last five years for the world. I thought I was ready (as ready as you can ever hope to be), and in retrospect I stand by that.
A lot of people just don't get it (I actually didn't really appreciate this til afterwards) but in the end, I think you have a gut feel for the right path for you and your family, and what everyone else thinks is just commentary.
It is indescribably hard sometimes to hold everything together with extremely little respite. But there are also endless things I love about our little life. When we get home, after school and work, and I've done bloody everything and put him to bed and washed up and caught on on work and ready to relax - I can just relax by myself. I am thankful every single night for that, because I would hate to then be expected to engage with another adult. I need a lot of solitude. But I also had space in my life for a child, the way I wouldn't want to make space for a partner. It is straightforward and easy, being just us two. There's more space for spontaneity. He is a well-adjusted, generous, affectionate, independent, thoughtful, stubborn child and I wouldn't change a thing. Apart from I'm definitely ready to try for another now...
Sorry, forgot to add: good luck! whatever you decide to do.
If you're ready go for it. But if you're worried about doing it on your own and not because of what others think, you could also consider co-parenting. I've met some single lesbians who really love being a co-parent. If you want to do it on your own, then go for it. You have options. You could start looking at pride angel where you could actually meet a donor and go from there (there are those who don't want contact) or you could use a sperm bank. The sperm bank won't be cheap, but you can do it at home. If I hadn't been in a relationship, I would've gone it alone.
Best of luck.
I plan to take this route too and i'm 30 now. I am using a known sperm donor who will have little contact with the child. I think you have to do what you think is best for you and disregard other people's input -you have the final decision
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