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DH refuses to let me go back for last frosty- heartbroken

(18 Posts)
Whatalready Thu 02-Mar-17 21:46:23

I am lucky to have a 9 month old baby from a DE cycle. He is so beautiful. Every time I look at him I fall more and more in love with everything about him. I have two children in their twenties too. DH was willing to let me become a mum again and he loves our LO. The trouble is that I have one more frozen embryo. A perfect baby boy and I want him. I know this wasn't 'the deal' as my DH puts it. But I can't destroy him. I don't want anyone else to have him. I want to give him a chance to live. I imagine him as part of our family. I would love my LO to have a little brother to grow up with. We could afford to bring up an extra child. Our house is big enough. The DE transfer cost is low. I do all the baby care, all the night feeds, took no maternity leave from our family business despite CS. But DH will not even discuss it, wants his life back (!?), blames the baby for not having time for his hobbies (yet I've not stopped him doing anything). I don't go on about this but it is on my mind a lot. It breaks my heart to think that I can't. My sister says I should just go but that's a terrible way to do it. What would you do? Do you think I'm crazy?

HopelesslydevotedtoGu Sun 26-Mar-17 20:10:59

Was it your decision to not take any mat leave, even after c section? Or did your dh push you to not take any? Does he not do any hands on parenting? If things carry on that way, I'd be reluctant to have another child with him whatever the circumstances!

If you were going to have another child, does it need to be soon, or could you realistically do it in 2 years or so? I know a few dads who couldn't contemplate another baby so soon, but later changed their minds.

But the bigger issue is that he seems to be leaving you to raise this baby alone.....

Whatalready Tue 28-Mar-17 07:55:27

It's a family business so it is hard to take time off. I do different admin tasks so not physical. I meant to show that I have not let anyone down. It just gets me that I recognise when something is important to him. I make sure it's OK for him to do it. That includes moving to NZ when he wanted to and back again coz he didn't like it! So not minor things. He hasn't had me refuse much. He is just really against it. Angrily against it. Will not discuss it, storms about for the rest of the day if i raise the subject. Then if i am distant from him he gets upset that we are heading for a split.
I have not got the luxury of years. I am late 40s although healthy and fit. I know I am probably hormonal but I need to go back for this frozen embryo. I wouldn't and couldn't go without his permission. I feel it's pretty crap to have to beg like this sometimes. Don't know what I'll think of him if he blocks this for good.

muttrat Tue 28-Mar-17 07:58:39

I think your marriage sounds troubling actually and I'd think very carefully. Fwiw 9 months was when I felt broodiest, it did pass.

BrioLover Tue 28-Mar-17 08:09:34

I'm not sure this is the best time to be thinking about a new baby. Personally I also felt very broody at the 9 month stage but that did pass and it took us until DS was 3 to decide together to have another. At 9 months babies are lovely - weaning, crawling etc. I did find it got harder.

Your husband's reaction is either troubling or a sign of him being under a lot of stress. The storming around is not good, you doing all the childcare despite you still working (and not taking mat leave - who has the baby whilst you work?) is not good, and him wanting his 'life back' despite doing his hobbies etc. is not good.

I'd leave it for now. You may not have years, but you do have months. Also - think about what it will be like to have two teenagers when you are in your early sixties.

Whatalready Tue 28-Mar-17 12:10:33

I know. My head says leave it. DH needs me for business, gets super stressed doing things on his own and even though he adores our LO he is dead against me going back. But my heart is just really desperate to do this. I want to give my LO the chance of having a brother to grow up with if it works (and I know the odds are always against me). Being a hands on parent way into the future doesn't bother me. I have the best incentive to stay fit. No one knows how long they will live.

Whatalready Tue 28-Mar-17 12:12:18

I will wait months and hope that a walking talking LO softens his heart. Thank you for your help xx

Fairylea Tue 28-Mar-17 12:14:56

I would have the other baby and leave the dh... he sounds awful.

<waits for flaming>.

ThroughThickAndThin01 Tue 28-Mar-17 12:19:59

I don't think he sounds awful at all. I think he sounds very stressed. I wouldn't want more babies in my late 40's either, the pressure would make me hugely stressed.

Patriciathestripper1 Tue 28-Mar-17 12:26:20

Try and Have the baby or you will always regret it and it is Your life to live in regret, not his.
You are an adult and know the consequences.
Would you tell Dh he couldn't do something? Even if his heart was set on it? I bet he would just do it anyway.
You don't need permission like a child.
Just be sure you can deal with all the possibilities like Dh walking away or not being supportive.

IHaveOtherNames Tue 28-Mar-17 12:29:22

You've posted this before haven't you? Iirc you got lots of responses last time, has something changed?

Whatalready Tue 28-Mar-17 16:04:03

You are right Ihaveother. I needed to talk to someone and this thread was quiet so I posted an AIBU. I understand if you don't want to talk again. I wrote just after a row with DH and it was raw. Over the last three weeks I have calmed down. The other night my LO pooed in my hand in the bath and I spent the night with him glued to me with croup and I asked myself honestly, do you really want to do this again? And yes I do.
I have the benefit of seeing raising children to adult with two twenty somethings. The baby years are tough but God I wouldn't miss a bit of it. I love it all. School, teaching them to drive, university, girlfriends. I would do it again in a blink.

Whatalready Tue 28-Mar-17 16:08:20

I have had a life too. University, pilot license, sports, business. I hate being pregnant. Think IVF ladies are amazingly​strong and courageous people. I think it's a stressful way to have your babies. Calm now but still want this, my absolute final throw of the dice.

Whatalready Tue 28-Mar-17 16:11:02

I'm not flaming anyone. I am very grateful for all your comments. I am not mentioning it to DH until June or July. Would love to go back in October or November.

Whatalready Tue 28-Mar-17 16:24:01

Patricia, you are right. That's what bothers me. If I cave in and say ok, destroy the embryo, I know I will feel resentment every time he tries to persuade me to do something in the future. You are right. He would probably do what he wanted anyway. He would like to move to France sometime. I don't really want to. He said having another baby was more life changing than that but I don't agree.
Perhaps he is just very stressed. I wouldn't blame you for not replying any more. It's a muddle.

Viletta Sun 25-Jun-17 23:08:06

I know it might come out as being cold hearted, but don't think of an embryo as a child.. these are cells that might turn into a baby, but might as well not. Your relationships with DH is what matters and having a happy family. Perhaps after a while you will convince him... but if not, I would let it go.. I know it's heartbreaking but it's not yet a baby, its a thought of a baby, think of it this way.

IDoDaChaCha Fri 01-Sep-17 07:21:59

I agree with Fairylea I'd have the baby. And go it alone if necessary. Men don't and can't understand the desire to be a mother. It's not for him to decide, it's your body.

SnowBells Tue 05-Sep-17 18:29:26

Ehm... seriously people? I realise this is an older thread, but telling someone to just use an embryo without her husband's consent, who likely contributed to creating that embryo... IS. NOT. RIGHT.

Why on Earth do women give other women such terrible advice? angry We shouldn't act like walking hormonal time bombs and just use an embryo that was presumably made with out partner's sperm WITHOUT THEIR CONSENT. There's this thing called a brain that is fully able to overrule your heart.

In any case, most IVF clinics will have processes in place, whereby both partners will have to give MUTUAL CONSENT to use the embryos. Otherwise, these clinics would be in deep sh*t, if the couple breaks up and one partner uses the embryo without the other one knowing. They'd be sued to bankruptcy! If I'm not mistaken, there have already been law cases in the past (in the US maybe) whereby one partner wanted to use the embryos created, while the other wanted to destroy it.

The kind of advice given by some people on this forum is mind-boggling at times!!! For the first time, I'm actually grateful bureaucratic processes!!! hmm And somehow, I think the response would be different if this had been a man wanting to use the embryos without his wife's consent.

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