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IVF for a girl

(232 Posts)
Squirrelscanswim Mon 30-Jan-17 15:50:19

A few questions ...

I want a girl SO much and being totally honest with myself I think this is so much my preference that I would worry about bonding with a boy.

So, has anyone had IVF for a girl? I know it's not done in this country - America?

Lumberries Mon 30-Jan-17 15:52:20

WHat are your specific concerns about bonging with a male child?

Squirrelscanswim Mon 30-Jan-17 15:54:10

I struggle to explain that, Lumberries but I'll try.

I think my situation - single woman - bringing up an only child who would be a boy, would be quite intense and I'm not totally sure healthy.

PurpleDaisies Mon 30-Jan-17 15:54:45

What about therapy instead? What if your girl is not a typical girly girl or doesn't match up to your expectations?

I'd wager that the vast majority of people who've had IVF on here just wanted a baby.

Squirrelscanswim Mon 30-Jan-17 15:55:47

I'm not remotely bothered about her not being a girly girl. I am not really interested in therapy, but thank you.

PurpleDaisies Mon 30-Jan-17 15:57:06

I am not really interested in therapy, but thank you.

You think it's healthy and acceptable to only want a girl?

kilmuir Mon 30-Jan-17 15:57:53

Sounds like you need it!
Plenty of single females raise boys!!!

Squirrelscanswim Mon 30-Jan-17 15:58:18

In my situation, specifically.

If I was married, or had a partner, it would be different. Anyway, I understand some might think it's contentious but if I am totally honest with myself, I desperately want a daughter. I'm sorry some don't like that, but it is the honest truth.

kilmuir Mon 30-Jan-17 15:58:55

Who in their right mind thinks it's not healthy to raise a boy on your own?
Can be intense bringing up any child

Squirrelscanswim Mon 30-Jan-17 15:59:07

I'm sure they do kilmuir but I also think many will have some positive male influences/role models which I can't provide. Anyway, I'm sorry I'm not giving the answers people want but I didn't post for arguments, honestly!

HerRoyalNotness Mon 30-Jan-17 15:59:25

Not done in America unless to weed out hereditary diseases specifically affecting one sex or the other.

Surely closest you'd get is micro sorting? They do it in some European countries

Alisvolatpropiis Mon 30-Jan-17 16:00:06

Yes, it is done in America. Sex selective IVF is very ethically dubious, people will judge you openly, should you ever tell them in real life.

Squirrelscanswim Mon 30-Jan-17 16:01:51

I don't think it's anybody else's business, really.

LapinR0se Mon 30-Jan-17 16:03:07

I think if you are not confident that you want to parent a child then you shouldn't get pregnant.
Perhaps you cannot guarantee gender.
Perhaps your child would be born with severe health issues.
Perhaps you would have a girl who wanted to be a boy.
None of this is within your control and would mean you wouldn't get your idealised "bond" with a daughter.

nolly3 Mon 30-Jan-17 16:03:40

Well... except it's illegal in the U.K. Unless you have a medical reason. So I'm afraid it's def other people's business.

CoolJazz Mon 30-Jan-17 16:04:37

I would advise looking more carefully at your fears about being the mother of a boy or your intense desire for a girl. They will both be little people you know?

What do you fear from a boy, what do you think you would get from a girl you wouldn't from a boy?

Of course you can ignore all this and just investigate how to get what you want. But the route to happiness doesn't lie in getting what we want, it's being content with what we have, and you maybe should think about what you want from this child before you purchase what you want.

Not a healthy way to approach parenthood imo.

Joinourclub Mon 30-Jan-17 16:05:23

I think it would be 'intense' being a selected daughter, and having to live up to the ideas/ideals of what a daughter/ girl should be. That sounds like an unhealthy amount of pressure.

Heatherbell1978 Mon 30-Jan-17 16:06:00

I don't know much about gender specific IVF but the UK won't do it I imagine so you would definitely need to go overseas. I can only imagine it would cost a fortune though, I mean £50k upwards? IVF itself costs a lot and then you'd need to factor in the nature of the IVF you want plus travel etc.

I would echo the other comments. I think bringing up a boy or a girl as a single parent would be extremely intense. You could have an extremely amiable boy or an extremely difficult girl. Gender doesn't necessarily make a huge difference as to how easy they are to bring up, it's the individual personality. It sounds like you might need to fully explore why having a boy is such a big deal.

Starduke Mon 30-Jan-17 16:06:34

MIL brought up DH as a single mum from pregnancy.

They have a wonderful relationship but it's not too intense, I don't have an overbearing MIL at all!

Mother-daughter relationships can be very intense and fraught.

It's not what's between the legs but the personality (of both) that counts.

Oh and DH had ZERO decent male role models (GPs died years before he was born, father married to someone else, MIL never married) and he is an amazing husband and father. I've said to him several times that it's amazing he's turned out how he has done, given his upbringing with no male role models.

Squirrelscanswim Mon 30-Jan-17 16:07:48

I know nolly, that's why I asked about abroad.

Lapin I know that too, and believe me I have really thought, agonised really, about it all. But knowing how you feel is wrong doesn't stop you from feeling it. I am desperate to be the mum of a daughter. Quite honestly I wish I didn't feel that way, but I do. It isn't so much about an idealised bond as a gut feeling which I can't put into words, as if someone says 'well what's wrong with boys!' My answer is nothing.

I do think it's because I'm doing it alone - if I was in a couple I wouldn't be bothered. I'd still want a girl but I think I'd be happy with whatever. But I would hate a boy to feel embarrassed or awkward growing up with me.

Squirrelscanswim Mon 30-Jan-17 16:08:06

That's lovely, Star smile

TheWeeBabySeamus1 Mon 30-Jan-17 16:15:04

I'm a single parent to a wonderful little boy. Our relationship is no more intense than it would be if he were female - why would it be?

Whatever your reasons are for wanting a girl you need to square it with your own conscience. Morally if you see nothing wrong with it then go ahead, but I think if you're doing it with the mindset that you'll have an easier relationship with her then you're going to be in for a shock later on.

Lumberries Mon 30-Jan-17 16:15:18

I don't think you wanting a child of a certain sex is actually the issue here, I think the actual issue is you've fixated on a single ideal of your future and have visualised it to such a point that there's no divination from it, not even for circumstances outside your control (eg: sex of the child). I do this too, but I'm a diagnosed sufferer of anxiety and this is one of the "clues" I get that I'm about to have a bad patch.

Do you suffer with anxiety, OP?

If not, then being fixated this strongly on one version of the future isn't conducive to a happy home life for any child, what if that child doesn't meet your expectations?

If your concern is for the child not having a male role model, there's research to suggest that both male and female children thrive in environments with both single sex parents and a present parent of both sexes equally and there is no determinable developmental difference either emotionally or cognitively between the two. The sex of the present parents has no baring on the ability of the child to thrive.

I think, however that you know this already, OP.

I mean this very kindly, you need to address your fixation on this ideal of the future you have before thinking about having a child, and this would very much begin with recognizing that this level of fixation is not normal and that it could very well be linked to an underlying mental health issue.

As gently as I can say this OP, get yourself some help flowers

CoolJazz Mon 30-Jan-17 16:16:22

But I would hate a boy to feel embarrassed or awkward growing up with me.

Squirrel why do you think a boy would feel like this about you if you were his mum?

You're feelings aren't 'wrong' they just are what they are, but you can explore them and begin to see it differently.

Maybe start with- why do you want a child?
what would a boy mean to you?
what would a girl mean?

There have been lots of threads with women who feel like you, so you are not alone.

In fact I can understand a bit myself, I would have preferred girls, I have 2 sons, and not having any more, and I couldn't be happier. Sometimes we don't always know before hand what will make us happy.

nolly3 Mon 30-Jan-17 16:18:13

It's illegal in most countries. To be honest most people who go through ivf are so fucking grateful to be pregnant that the sex is the least of their concerns.

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