A tough one

(9 Posts)
Snufkin22 Mon 26-Dec-16 19:27:06

I have this problem I thought I might get good advice from the good people here.
I'm happily married and can't really complain about anything in my life, except for one issue, I want to have a child and my wife doesn't. I don't want to end our marriage over it, but on the other hand, I want to know there's a continuity to my family tree, even if I don't get to experience the whole fatherhood experience (I keep being told that I could be an amazing dad though).
I went to the sperm bank to donate sperm, but I was told I'm a carrier of a common virus that is harmless when couples bring children through sexual intercourse, but it's quite dangerous when it's introduced through IVF to a mother who doesn't have it, so even though all other parameters were great, they couldn't use me as a donor.
I told my wife about the idea of the sperm donation and she was ok with it, but now that it's off the table, she thinks this is it, but I still want to know there's a wee baby in a good family that carries something of me with him/her.

Any ideas or suggestions what I should do?

OP’s posts: |
AnguaResurgam Mon 26-Dec-16 19:38:07

You should either drop the idea - try counselling to help you do that.

Or divorce your DW and seek a partner who does want DC.

I know that sounds blunt, but there aren't any other options.

HappyHedgehog247 Mon 26-Dec-16 21:46:50

What about donation privately eg through Pollen tree or Coparent.co.uk

Snufkin22 Tue 27-Dec-16 07:42:16

That sounds like a good place to check. I never heard of these websites.
Cheers smile

OP’s posts: |
MiriAmmerman Tue 27-Dec-16 08:58:17


I assume it's CMV that you have. The majority of the adult population carries it. DP and I (we're a lesbian couple) are currently TTC via donor conception, using a clinic and sperm bank. At our clinic, they tested DP for CMV before we started. We were told that if she was already CMV positive, she could use any donor. If not, we could only choose a donor who was also CMV negative. She was positive, so we had free rein, and the donor we have chosen is also CMV+.
So, if donation is something you really want to do, try another sperm bank /clinic. Lots do accept CMV+ donors (they're excluding most of the adult male population if they don't). Also, the majority of recipients will be CMV+ themselves (I think the figure is about 85% of adult women). Also, there has never been a recorded case of a woman catching CMV from donated sperm - it's a theoretical risk. And heterosexual couples TTC via the conventional route never have any idea about the CMV status of either partner, and they mostly get on ok.
However, all of that aside, sperm donation is not a substitute for having your own family. You will never know whether or not you have fathered a child unless (and it's a big 'if') the child themselves chooses to contact you, and you won't be a parent. It sounds like you need to think more carefully about whether or not you really want children of your own before you donate.

Snufkin22 Tue 27-Dec-16 11:54:24

Thanks for the answer. It is CMV that I got (just forgot the name..).
Most of my friends have kids and I do know that I'm missing on something magical. But I'm happy with my life and love my wife, so I will not leave the happiness I have in my hands for another happiness.
I know some single moms and a gay couple who used sperm donation and seeing these kids growing up with so much love and affection around them, gives me the reassurance that even if I won't be involved, my sperm donation will mean my family tree continues and on top of that, I managed to help someone bring a baby to this world. Of course I will be extremely happy if I ever get a knock on the door and see a familiar face..

OP’s posts: |
Nicky2468 Tue 27-Dec-16 15:23:10

This is a really hard situation and I emphasise completely. I was in a loving relationship for 3 years but my partner wasn't sure about having children (he would swing from possibly to absolutely not). In the end, he told me that he couldn't do the whole 'children' thing and I knew I really wanted to. I felt I had waited long enough for him to make up his mind so decided to move on and eventually used a soerm donor to get pregnant using a London clinic. Obviously it was heart breaking for both of us because we very much loved each other. The paths that we were on were just too different and neither of us could compromise on such an important issue. I have no regrets now as I know it was and is the right choice for all of us. I wouldn't want to 'persuade' you to do what I did but just to try and help you work out what you see as most important and whether you can imagine your life without raising your own child. If you'll be happy to donate sperm then fantastic. I ended up being CMV negative myself so ideally should have chosen a CMV negative donor (from the European Sperm Bank) but the choice was extremely limited so I risked using a CMV positive donor. So there are clinics out there that'll use CMV positive donors. It's a wonderful thing to donate to help people to can't have children for whatever reason. Good luck in your choice x

Nicky2468 Tue 27-Dec-16 15:25:12

Of course it should say empathise!! (Trying to type on a small phone!)

Snufkin22 Tue 27-Dec-16 22:29:19

Thanks Nicky!
Thanks for sharing your thoughts on the subject. I am really happy to discover that the route of sperm donation is not shut and I'll definitely try to pursue it.
I guess when it comes to relationships and family, it's a different story for everyone. I'm a kind of person that will be happy with everything life throws at him. I'm happy with my wife, I'm happy to play with friends kids and I'm also happy with the idea of donating sperm to help someone have their own baby and also to know there's a wee me running around a warm house somewhere.
Happy new year!

OP’s posts: |

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