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How to handle Ex-H getting a new gf when...

(5 Posts)
user1481334936 Sat 10-Dec-16 02:09:27

you still have feelings for them? We divorced 5 years ago after 10 years of trying to make it work. We have 1 DS. But we've always still been trapped in this not moving on stage. We both agreed at the time that we are incompatible, we disagreed over so many fundemantal things, mainly we had a communication breakdown since he's not british born and his ways/quirks were overbearing. Yet, he's always still wanted me back and I too wanted to be with him if we could find a magic wand and dispell all our previous problems. We both always wanted to have children with the same mum/dad and don't really like the idea of having half children with others but dispite several rounds of trying again we couldn't quite make it work and felt it unfair to DS to keep trying.

Alas, he's finally found the strength to move on - he has a gf who I presume is serious since its the first one he's ever bought DS around. Now it seems everytime DS goes to visit she is there. DS is pretty sensitive and doesn't want to upset his dad so even if he feels a bit put out that his time is no longer with his father alone, he smiles and bares it. He's a good kid. I however am not handling this very well. I guess I knew this time would come and when I'm in a more positive state of mind feel a little relief and that this is for the best and I'm glad he's found some happiness and peace at last. And, other times I feel depressed and upset that he's moved on, I always wanted it to work but for whatever reason we couldn't. I've been as mature as I can, I've not mentioned anything to him at all but then again I can't in a way because he's acting very distant to me now. It's all so strange and awkward.

I should add I've not had any other partner in all this time. I am working on myself really, trying to improve myself and my life for me and DS. In the back of my mind, I was working on me in a hope that I'd be able to be more compatible with EX-H. Trying to love myself more and work on issues I have that may have been making me more irritable or hard to get along with. Perhaps I too should have been looking for someone else and moving on but honestly I am not ready and I can't see myself being ready for a good while.

Can anyone offer any words of wisdom or kindness about this? I know I need to man up and get on with it but it still hurts and I do think about it a lot.

Sorry tis long and rambling :/

user1481334936 Sat 10-Dec-16 02:16:54

Sorry wrong section. I've reported post, hope it can be moved. Apologies. I'm not well atm :/

Welshmamma Thu 12-Jan-17 14:06:20

No real words of advice x but it does get easier my love x You concentrate and you and your son and everything else will fall in to place x Do things you enjoy and keep your mind occupied xx

Blobby10 Thu 19-Jan-17 18:44:40

Completely understand where you are coming from OP - my ex and I are almost divorced - split up almost two years ago. 3 young adult children who live with me when they are home from work/uni/college. Yes I got the house but only because I have to provide the base for the kids to come back to. Hes moved on and it has really really hurt - not only has he had dates (Ive been on one and he didn't want a second - I really liked him) and sex but hes serious enough about someone to introduce her to his mum and kids. At Christmas! Yes i'm jealous but more thinking "what is so wrong with me?"

I hope it gets better for both of us!! x

summerbreezer Fri 20-Jan-17 16:01:41

I think there are two issues here, OP

1. You and your feelings
2. Your son and his feelings.

AS to the first issue, it looks to me like this is the best thing that could have happened. It seems that you (and perhaps he) have been stuck in limbo for five years - both unconsciously holding the other back and keeping them from moving on. It saddens me that you see yourself making changes for him - rather than for you.

I think, as painful as it is, this is the start of you getting over him and moving on. Really - he has done you a favour. You don't need to "man up" - you need to cry and be kind to yourself and go through the grieving process. Then you can truly start to live for you and DS.

As for your son, how is his relationship with his dad? Can he talk to him about it? If his dad is a good man, he should listen to any concerns his son has about being around the new girlfriend. I think children do need time one on one with their parent.

All the very best of luck to you flowers

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