Child contact patterns

[ISolemnlySwearIAmUpToNoGood]

I am having to take my ex to court over changing the current arrangements for contact with DD who is 5 this month as they just aren't working for her. He has refused mediation.

Can anyone give examples of patterns that have worked for them with a 5 year old please?

Currently it is Tuesday, Wednesday and Saturday nights with me. Monday, Thursday and Friday nights with him with alternating Sunday nights.

I was originally thinking Wednesday, Thursday and Friday nights with me then Sunday, Monday and Tuesday nights with him and alternating Saturday night. But someone has pointed out that part of the problem may be the moving around on school nights.

The only other options I can then think to offer are alternating weeks but not sure if this would then be too much of a change for her, or weekdays with me and then alternating weekends. Which I know would stand less of a chance but in the days she is with him during the week she is mostly cared for by his father while he is in work so she only sees him for about any hour really.

Any thoughts and experiences would be very helpful thank you

[Forevernamechange12333333]

Are you looking at a 50/50 split OP?
At that age I’d say a long stint away from a parent would be hard, ie week on week off, but a clump of days in a row would be good....
Idea see below...
M - mum
T -dad
W- dad
T - dad
F- mum
S- mum
S - mum
M - dad
T - mum
W- mum
T- mum
F - dad
S dad
S dad

[Onemumtwokids]

We do 50% each. 5, 5, 2, 2 days rota.
I always have mine Mondays and Tuesdays. He always has them Wednesday and Thursdays. Friday, Saturday and Sunday alternate.
It works ok.

[Easterbunnygettingready]

During our court hearing I was told blocks of time with each parent was better for the dc than a change over every day or 2..

[HosannainExcelSheets]

My GP said he often writes reports stating that 50/50 isn't very good for most children and that a stable base home is better for their psychological development. You could try going for a different arrangement with a primary home instead.

[Chasingsquirrels]

I think you need to explore WHY the current arrangements aren't working for your dd, as that will presumably inform what sort of arrangement would work.

[Easterbunnygettingready]

I also read an article saying 50/50 wasn't the best plan. My dc regarded df's as home and mine as dm's... Eventually they moved here ft... Made zero difference to our relationship long term...

[PicaK]

This is about your daughter and her needs. Why isn't it working for her?

[FloydWasACat]

Ex and I alternated 3-days and two-days each week, during the week, it stopped working. Then we did 5 days with me, two days with his Dad on Thursdays and Fridays, that stopped because of lockdown. We are currently doing fri and sat at his Dad's and the rest with me. Blocks of time do work better I think

[cookiedoughsweetiepie]

It is hard to comment without knowing what isn't working for her. Or what wouldn't work about a weds changeover?

However i do the pattern you suggest. Our rule is that they never have less than 3 nights in one place. 3/4 alternating pattern.

This has worked well for our kids for many years. I think because our relationship evolved to be relaxed. We both attend big events like birthday parties, parents evening and football matches. We both get time to focus on work/our careers and time to be fully dedicated to kids. We live locally. We help each other out and are flexible. The kids have belongings and a lovely set up at each house so very little stuff/nothing moves back and forth. We both accept each others new partners and they help out too sometimes. Kids don't find the transition or movement hard. However if a relationship is tense i would say as few changeovers as possible is best for the child.

Mon M
Tues M
Weds. Mum takes to school. Dad picks up from school club and they stay there
Thurs D
Fri D (but i help out by taking to school)
Sat M drop off 10.30am
Sun M
Mon M
Tues M
Weds D
Thurs D
Fri D
Sat D
Sun M kids dropped 4.30

As my oldest starts high school in sept I do wonder if we might need to move to one week off and one week on. But suspect kids will say they are happy as they are.

[StoneColdBitch]

@HosannainExcelSheets

My GP said he often writes reports stating that 50/50 isn't very good for most children and that a stable base home is better for their psychological development. You could try going for a different arrangement with a primary home instead.

That's interesting - I'm a GP and I'd consider that hugely beyond my remit. Does your GP have specific experience and expertise in this area? If I was up in court against an ex and they produced a letter written by a non-specialist non-expert I'd make sure my barrister wiped the floor with them.

Having looked into this as part of my own experience with divorce, I don't think there is a consensus that 50/50 is harmful, but that is a personal not professional opinion.

[LastRoloIsMine]

7 years of 50:50 and my youngest was 6 when it started. It was dictated by his rolling shift pattern but its really worked for us.
4 days in a row each moving by one day each week. Kids like it as not swapping daily and every 7 weeks we have a full week each.

[HosannainExcelSheets]

@StoneColdBitch - yes. Peads (and especially mental health) as an area of specialization within GP. He sees my DS in this capacity.

[StoneColdBitch]

[quote HosannainExcelSheets]@StoneColdBitch - yes. Peads (and especially mental health) as an area of specialization within GP. He sees my DS in this capacity.[/quote]
That's interesting (genuinely - I know tone doesn't come across well in writing!). Recent research evidence does seem to suggest that children who have 50/50 arrangements do better than those who don't. I wonder how your GP ended up developing his special interest in paediatric mental health, and what training or experience supports it? Again, not being goady, just wondering why he doesn't agree with the published research.

[HosannainExcelSheets]

I honestly don't know. But suspect confirmation bias. He only sees young people with MH issues, so only sees the bad side of 50/50 arrangements that don't work or families where a child needs CAMHS support.

[RedGoldAndGreene]

Can you explore why the current system isn't working? Do either of you have family that isn't local because both ex and like the option to take the kids away overnight on a Saturday.

I think that the school day issue is only a problem with the other parent isn't collecting from school/holiday care. (I mean if you take her to school on change over day, he should be collecting from school or after school club. ) What time is pickup during school holidays? I don't have 50/50 with ex but my kids have preferred lunchtime pickups. When the kids were your DD's age he tried coming after work but they were too tired by the time he got here.

[heymammy]

We have recently moved to 5 5 2 2 now that youngest dc is nearly 9 with M T at mine W T at dad's and alternating weekends.

Prior to that I felt that 5 days away from me the other parent was too long so we did 2 2 3 2 2 3, this worked really well for about 4 years, the dc did have to do a lot of swapping between houses but we live very nearby and we felt the positives outweighed the negs.

I would try and avoid any routine that has 1 night at either house, it seems a pointless switch.

[ISolemnlySwearIAmUpToNoGood]

Thank you for all the replies. Sorry, I should have said why I feel it's not working in my OP. She never knows whether she's coming or going. Every day she's with me she'll ask if she's going to daddy's and how many times she has to sleep here which is what has lead me to think that the blocks of time would be better. Also her behaviour has gone quite downhill along with becoming more and more tearful and clingy as the months go by.

Previously when I've tried to talk to her about it all she has been able to tell me is that she just wants us to all still be living together but I mentioned to her at the beginning of the week about 3/4 nights here and then the same with her dad and she has remembered that and brought it back up with me herself today so I'm feeling that that is probably going to be the way forward.

I might still also give him the option of her being with me weekdays and then possibly alternating Friday nights/weekends on the very slim chance that he would take it as I just miss her so much when she isn't here along with various other reasons that would make this post a lot longer than it already is.

[PicaK]

Just to play devil's advocate...
She is only 4. My 5 year old still asks every day if its a school day or a weekend day. Their executive functioning skills aren't that developed at that age. She may have remembered you have a new plan, she won't remember the day to day bit at all.
Plus everyone's kids are going through trauma atm with lockdown - whether homeschooling or even if they are in school because it's so strange with bubbles and half the kids missing. Clingy and tearful are pretty normal reactions to that.
It's a bit concerning you've talked to your 4 year old about changes in plan BEFORE agreeing them with your coparent. Disrespectful to him and confusing for her if it doesn't go ahead. Unintentionally it comes across as manipulative. These plans should surely be parental decisions first at this age.

[HosannainExcelSheets]

Do you have a visual calendar for her to see where she is staying each day? That really helps my DC. We do EOW starting on Friday after school and ending on Sunday night. They still like to ba able to see which weekends in advance.

[ISolemnlySwearIAmUpToNoGood]

@PicaK I discussed it with her to try and find out what would work for her before I spent £££ taking my ex to court to try and make sure it wasn't a waste of time changing it to something that then doesn't even work.

I can't see how it is disrespectful to my ex when I have tried talking to him in the first place which didn't get anywhere and then spending money on mediation which he refused to even try to attend. I am trying to do what is best for dd which he doesn't seem to care about and he would rather spite her to try and spite me.

[ISolemnlySwearIAmUpToNoGood]

@HosannainExcelSheets I will try a calendar to see if that helps at all, thank you

[HosannainExcelSheets]

FWIW I agree with PicaK about talking to DD. No matter how hard it is to communicate with exH, you do need to agree with him first before you talk to DD about contact patterns. I'd be livid if my ex tried talking to our DC about changing contact without agreement with me first.

[StoneColdBitch]

@HosannainExcelSheets

I honestly don't know. But suspect confirmation bias. He only sees young people with MH issues, so only sees the bad side of 50/50 arrangements that don't work or families where a child needs CAMHS support.

That's a very interesting reflection, and I suspect it's true. I still think he's a brave man writing letters to be used in court proceedings that go against the body of recent research evidence...

[HosannainExcelSheets]

@StoneColdBitch in our case it's very specific to why 50/50 is bad for our particular children and parent set up. Two DC are seeing CAMHS who agree that it's inappropriate.

Could you DM me the research you're referring to? Would be interested bro know what makes a good 50/50 setup work.

Thanks! And sorry for derailing the thread.

[StoneColdBitch]

@HosannainExcelSheets I've PMed you