I’m so unhappy. I’ve been married for 15 years and have two children under 6. I’m so very unhappy. My husband never cooks and only does about 20% of the household chores, though we both work full time. He’s always more interested about his personal fitness and it’s driving me mad. Our sex life is non existent and has been for about 6 years. When I’ve raised this with him in the past he says he does want to have sex and will make more effort. However nothing ever changes. It’s got to the point now where I don’t even want to have sex with him.
He’s not a terrible man, but I feel so unhappy and want to leave. I feel sad most days and don’t feel like myself anymore. He has been ok during lockdown as he doesn’t really like socialising and can make people very unwelcome in our home with his sulking, so not being able to see people has suited him ok. However, I’m very sociable and love seeing other people.
We did have a tiny bit of counselling last year but he doesn't think we need it. He does support us well financially and though I think I could support me and my children it would be on a smaller budget.
More than anything I worry and feel guilty on the impact this would have emotionally on my children. Am I being selfish to want to leave? Nothing catastrophic has happened he just doesn’t make me happy anymore and I think the love has gone. I feel even more sad when I think of being stuck here in 5 years and dream of being wanted and desired. 😢
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Divorce/separation
Am I being selfish for wanting to be happy?
19 replies
MommaofShoes · 25/02/2021 07:18
OP posts:
OctoberCarrot ·
28/02/2021 08:29
@SillyOldMummy
Well, you aren't being selfish, but you might be being unrealistic. I don't know you or the details of the situation you are in, and I don't know you or your husband. But the general points that come to my mind are:
From what you say, currently you are comfortable financially and without him you WILL be worse off. That needs to be thought through in detail. Will you make him sell the family home and force you both into new homes, with all the up
heaval that causes for the kids? It won't be instantaneous, so in the meantime will you move out and rent? What can you afford? It is worth preparing a budget, and checking that the sums give you enough for a nice place that doesn't make the kids feel miserable and horrified.
If you split up, consider if he will want 50:50 custody of the kids. Will he step up, or step aside? If he steps up, then you have the hassle of organising a custody schedule, alternating Christmases, splitting school holidays, turning up to Parents Evenings and birthday parties together (or not) etc. If he doesn't step up, then where will you find the time to track down someone to "want and desire"? Are you still "a good catch" who will find it easy to attract the kind of man you want? Are you looking for sex, or a relationship, or not fussy? After the emotional fall-out of the divorce, will you really be able to satisfy that need for a satisfying relationship? Statistically there is quite a high chance you would eventually end up in another bad relationship, if you find a relationship at all.
Do YOU "Freedom" to hunt for a new guy?It isnt easy being away from your kids half the time, especially when they are so young and so dependent on you. If either you or DH want to relocate in the future, even an hour in the wrong direction can make a huge difference to custody arrangements. There is a presumption you make that the kids stay with mum. But anything could happen really - suppose one day you want to relocate an hour or more's drive away, be prepared that your kids might say, "mum I'd rather stay with dad and my step mum, rather than move towns and change school to be with you."
Have you truly exhausted all the possibilities with your DH? If you have really reached your end-game, then I would have expected you to sit down with him and say, "this is the list of things I'm unhappy about. You don't appear committed to fix these things, even though that is what you promised to do when you married me. I've raised these points with you many times. There have been promises that you did not stick to. The impact of this is that I feel demoralised and I am questioning the very foundation of our marriage. Do you want to try again, and really commit to change, or would you prefer to call it a day and separate? In any case while you consider it, I am going to insist on changes because I cannot continue living this way. This is no longer optional for you. First of all, I will not shoulder the burden of the chores. We will divide everything. I will hire a cleaner to take care of most of the chores. Beyond that, we will split everything else - whether it is car maintenance, mowing the lawn, taking the kids to playdates, ordering presents for birthdays and Christmas, decorating and house repairs, paying Bills and ensuring the household finances are well organised, buying clothes and shoes for the kids. There will be no such thing as "mum's jobs" and "dad's jobs", we will look at all the things that have to be done and agree how much effort it takes, and share the tasks out. All the work to run our household will now be divided between us. Second, for every hour you spend on your fitness hobby, I will want an hour to myself too. Lastly, regarding sex, this is something I want more than you and I cannot make you desire me. Some compromise is needed, but I don't have an answer. I need your cooperation to solve this, as it is the single biggest problem in our marriage. I would like to resume counselling initially on my own, so I can work through my feelings of anger and disappointment and learn how to manage my expectations, put the past behind me and try to work with you to restore affection and warmth to our marriage, in the hope that sexual desire might follow. There are many ways to satisfy a woman that don't involve sex, and together we will need to explore that. If not, then I'm putting you on warning that this marriage won't last another 12 months."
If he realises that you arent just whingeing and it really is seriously the brink of the end of his marriage, it might push him into action. But, you cannot approach this with anger and resentment and blame. It will only work if you approach it coolly and rationally: here is the problem in our mismatched expectations of this marriage, what we have tried so far had failed, shall we try these last-ditch measures or shall we admit defeat now and split up?
With your kids being so young I would personally vote for giving it 12 months, of nothing else it gives you chance to teach him how he much work is involved to manage a household alone, to look after the kids for the weekend whole you explore your social life, to take a full share of parenting and household management. That would make it a lot easier, if you do leave, for him to pick up the reins which ultimately is in the best interest of your two young children who, after all is said and done, are entirely innocent and whose entire lives will be deeply affected by a separation - not necessarily all bad, but certainly it won't be nice for them for a few years.
From what you say, currently you are comfortable financially and without him you WILL be worse off. That needs to be thought through in detail. Will you make him sell the family home and force you both into new homes, with all the up
heaval that causes for the kids? It won't be instantaneous, so in the meantime will you move out and rent? What can you afford? It is worth preparing a budget, and checking that the sums give you enough for a nice place that doesn't make the kids feel miserable and horrified.
If you split up, consider if he will want 50:50 custody of the kids. Will he step up, or step aside? If he steps up, then you have the hassle of organising a custody schedule, alternating Christmases, splitting school holidays, turning up to Parents Evenings and birthday parties together (or not) etc. If he doesn't step up, then where will you find the time to track down someone to "want and desire"? Are you still "a good catch" who will find it easy to attract the kind of man you want? Are you looking for sex, or a relationship, or not fussy? After the emotional fall-out of the divorce, will you really be able to satisfy that need for a satisfying relationship? Statistically there is quite a high chance you would eventually end up in another bad relationship, if you find a relationship at all.
Do YOU "Freedom" to hunt for a new guy?It isnt easy being away from your kids half the time, especially when they are so young and so dependent on you. If either you or DH want to relocate in the future, even an hour in the wrong direction can make a huge difference to custody arrangements. There is a presumption you make that the kids stay with mum. But anything could happen really - suppose one day you want to relocate an hour or more's drive away, be prepared that your kids might say, "mum I'd rather stay with dad and my step mum, rather than move towns and change school to be with you."
Have you truly exhausted all the possibilities with your DH? If you have really reached your end-game, then I would have expected you to sit down with him and say, "this is the list of things I'm unhappy about. You don't appear committed to fix these things, even though that is what you promised to do when you married me. I've raised these points with you many times. There have been promises that you did not stick to. The impact of this is that I feel demoralised and I am questioning the very foundation of our marriage. Do you want to try again, and really commit to change, or would you prefer to call it a day and separate? In any case while you consider it, I am going to insist on changes because I cannot continue living this way. This is no longer optional for you. First of all, I will not shoulder the burden of the chores. We will divide everything. I will hire a cleaner to take care of most of the chores. Beyond that, we will split everything else - whether it is car maintenance, mowing the lawn, taking the kids to playdates, ordering presents for birthdays and Christmas, decorating and house repairs, paying Bills and ensuring the household finances are well organised, buying clothes and shoes for the kids. There will be no such thing as "mum's jobs" and "dad's jobs", we will look at all the things that have to be done and agree how much effort it takes, and share the tasks out. All the work to run our household will now be divided between us. Second, for every hour you spend on your fitness hobby, I will want an hour to myself too. Lastly, regarding sex, this is something I want more than you and I cannot make you desire me. Some compromise is needed, but I don't have an answer. I need your cooperation to solve this, as it is the single biggest problem in our marriage. I would like to resume counselling initially on my own, so I can work through my feelings of anger and disappointment and learn how to manage my expectations, put the past behind me and try to work with you to restore affection and warmth to our marriage, in the hope that sexual desire might follow. There are many ways to satisfy a woman that don't involve sex, and together we will need to explore that. If not, then I'm putting you on warning that this marriage won't last another 12 months."
If he realises that you arent just whingeing and it really is seriously the brink of the end of his marriage, it might push him into action. But, you cannot approach this with anger and resentment and blame. It will only work if you approach it coolly and rationally: here is the problem in our mismatched expectations of this marriage, what we have tried so far had failed, shall we try these last-ditch measures or shall we admit defeat now and split up?
With your kids being so young I would personally vote for giving it 12 months, of nothing else it gives you chance to teach him how he much work is involved to manage a household alone, to look after the kids for the weekend whole you explore your social life, to take a full share of parenting and household management. That would make it a lot easier, if you do leave, for him to pick up the reins which ultimately is in the best interest of your two young children who, after all is said and done, are entirely innocent and whose entire lives will be deeply affected by a separation - not necessarily all bad, but certainly it won't be nice for them for a few years.
This is very good food for thought.
My H basically told me yesterday he’d like to stay together for shorter 8/12 years until kids are reared and then he will happily leave. How could I not grab that offer with both hands
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