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Anyone go for greater than 50/50 custody?

(10 Posts)
Proseccodreams Thu 19-Nov-20 12:43:43

I am divorcing in very early stages following an emotionally abusive relationship. He doesn’t know that the counsellor told me he was emotionally abusive and intend for him never to find out as think it would go nuclear. We have started working out financial split and custody of our 8 year old daughter. He is pushing for 50/50 custody, and I mean really pushing for it. Prior to me telllng him it was over he has never been involved, I have always been the lead parent (in fact I was like a single parent), he spent most weekends in bed and barely bothered with her, always on his iPad. Now of course he is father of the year, spending time with her and taking her to school sometimes, but we’re talking 4 weeks versus 8 years. I worry (as I’m sure very mum does) that if she’s without me for 50% of the time she’ll really struggle. I’ve always been the one she could rely on and while it’s great that ex is now stepping up for her I just don’t want him to have her 50% of the time , I think it’s too much.
Has anyone got more than 50/50 custody and how did you negotiate that please?

OP’s posts: |
LargeProsecco Thu 19-Nov-20 14:16:41

I'm in a very similar situation - an abusive ex wanting 50/50 custody - mainly to avoid maintenance & as a way of punishing me for ending the relationship.

He spends all his time in his bedroom, barely engages with them, shouts & swears at them.

I do not think it is in their best interests to have 50-50 care.

I'm trying to move away but he's trying to prevent me doing that.

I've been keeping a diary in case it's needed for court purposes, of how little he does with them & the swearing etc.

Not sure how far that will get me, as my understanding of the court system is that it has a very low bar for parenting standards.

Beyond that, I'm not sure what to advise you - but I just wanted to say I sympathise with you.

Proseccodreams Thu 19-Nov-20 22:37:32

Thank you, good to know I’m not alone. I wish you lots of luck and strength x

OP’s posts: |
HosannainExcelSheets Fri 20-Nov-20 10:32:05

Yes, similar here.

One child has additional needs and was already being seen by mental health services. They supported my request that the children should live with me as primary parent.

They stay with exH every other weekend. He's now working with a children's therapist to improve his parenting skills.

Having a neutral third party who can explain why it's in your children's best interests to spend more time with one parent than the other is very important. The key thing is to meet your children's needs, and everything you say has to be child focused.

Lorry123 Fri 20-Nov-20 11:22:02

My abusive ex pushed for 50/50 to start with and it ended up in court with Cafcass conducting a section 7 and making a recommendation that the DCs remain with me 8 nights and him 5. It remained like that for 1 year until ex came at me again and court awarded me 7 him 6 and finally 3rd time round of him taking me to court we are at 50/50 and his Disney Dad routine has long gone

LargeProsecco Fri 20-Nov-20 11:22:52

Unfortunately my ex is delusional enough to think that he is dad of the year (he would never acknowledge his shouting, swearing etc).

I have put us down for family mediation to discuss this but there are long waiting lists & it's never good to do counselling with someone who is abusive.

FlowerAndBloom Mon 23-Nov-20 21:06:09

@HosannainExcelSheets can you tell me a bit more about how I do this? Ex pushing for 50:50 but my autistic son will struggle. What organisations do I need advice from and will they just write a report for court if need be? Need help on this

TMIincoming Mon 23-Nov-20 21:10:17

Go to a lawyer. They will suggest you claim domestic violence. It will be found as "fact" at a fact finding hearing and you will get unlimited legal aid to keep him out of your kids lives forever even if he is a good dad and the kids want to see him.

Its a truly wonderful system

bathshebaeverbusy Mon 23-Nov-20 21:17:13

My ex had my two children every other weekend ( Saturday am until Sunday night)) and nothing in the week. He had them for 2 weeks of holiday a year. We did a collaborative divorce - it’s an official process - and devised all our own terms which were put in a court order. No other agencies were involved and I feel I was very lucky - for some reason he didn’t want to go to court,

HosannainExcelSheets Mon 23-Nov-20 21:36:16

@FlowerAndBloom in my case both CAMHS and an independent children therapist who my child was seeing. They listened to the child's view and also looked at evidence of who was actually meeting the children's needs.

Also, my ex won't rent a place big enough for them to have a bed each. Or close enough to school for my child with ASD to be able to get there/back on his own. That helped me show he wasn't serious about 50/50.

We also haven't been to court, just mediation.

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