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Visitation during separation

(11 Posts)
Rebsie1 Sun 15-Nov-20 17:39:17

Hi Everyone, I’m a newbie to this but wanted to draw on some of your experiences.
My ex and I have two children (13 and 11) and are trying to reach an arrangement but can’t seem to agree on overnight stays for the children (with him) away from the family home (which he left) during the school week.

Does anyone have any experience or suggestions in reaching a consensus when both parties have very differing thoughts?

From my perspective a new arrangement has been suggested and agreed (to be implemented in Jan)which would result in the kids visiting him two evenings a week, but coming home (he is living with his Mum, the girls have to share a room there and that room also doubles as his Mum’s office). With covid, packing for school is more complicated than usual, they have a further distance to travel if they stay with him plus they have told me they don’t want to stay there. He is persisting in pursuing this and I don’t feel like it is considering the best interests of the children, or their views.

Does anyone have any advice?

OP’s posts: |
HosannainExcelSheets Sun 15-Nov-20 18:10:38

Get your girls to speak to a neutral party (maybe pastoral care at school). Font coach them. Let them express their view honestly band openly, and if they say they don't want to stay at his on school nights then they won't have to.

You can use a report from the school to back up what's in their best interests, and it won't come across as you being controlling or manipulating the situation for what you want.

Good luck.

Rebsie1 Mon 16-Nov-20 12:35:00

Thank you - this is a really useful suggestion. Both children have seen the pastoral support team at their schools and if push can to shove this would be an option.
In all honesty, I cannot believe that we are in the situation that we are in, and that someone could be so selfish that they think of their own needs and selfishness above the best interests of their children.

OP’s posts: |
Rebsie1 Mon 16-Nov-20 12:36:37

PS, by front coach you mean prepare them that the counsellor may ask them questions about their preferences? Sorry if this is a silly question - I’ve just not heard the phrase before. Thank you.

OP’s posts: |
onyourway Mon 16-Nov-20 12:50:35

I think she meant 'Don't coach them'

Familylawsolicitor Mon 16-Nov-20 13:13:53

You can also see a mediator who will see you both together and then separately speak to the kids. School might not want to get involved as acting as mediators although would hopefully tell you if kids expressing worries to pastoral care but I agree neutral third party like a trusted relative might help with informal mediation.
You can search for a local mediator here, tick the box for qualified to speak to children directly

HosannainExcelSheets Mon 16-Nov-20 13:33:47

Yes, sorry about the typo. I mean "DON'T" coach them. Really don't. It has to be clear that the girls are speaking for themselves.

Rebsie1 Mon 16-Nov-20 17:15:13

Thank you for your help.
I was a bit surprised re coaching 🤪 - my bad - as I don’t want to put words in their mouths at all - but now it makes sense it was a typo!

OP’s posts: |
HosannainExcelSheets Mon 16-Nov-20 17:19:20


Rebsie1 Mon 16-Nov-20 18:58:06

Not at all, thank you for your help 🙂

OP’s posts: |
HosannainExcelSheets Tue 17-Nov-20 10:28:24

My older two ended up seeing a children's therapist through school. She's helping my exH to understand their feelings and what the need from him as a parent. It's slow going, but it's a huge relief that it's one thing off my mind and one thing that I'm not responsible for.

He will still try to blame me for the fact they don't want to live with him, but at least I don't have to deal with it.

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