Fucking weird separation situation....co-dependency??

[CookieClub]

Hi all.
So, I separated from my husband just before lock down. He moved out into his own place.
We were together a long time, childhood loves, married and have three children.

To an extent we have both had varying degrees of mental health issues over the years - our support network is incredibly small, his family are fairly dysfunctional (meaning he's closer to my side)..and I guess to an extent we were co-dependent and each others 'everything'

I found out he had taken some Class A drugs on a night out and then slept with a woman we both know.
I didn't find out immediately. I found out from a family friend, who'd heard through the grapevine because the woman had been telling people.
At the time, my husband was on high level anti-depressants and we had mounting debt which we were trying to get on top of.

Now...the dilemma, I guess is that since separating, I can see how co-dependent our relationship is.
Obviously lockdown happened, we were both furloughed from our jobs and we did end up spending some time together as to not make 2020 a total shit-show for the children.

We are both having individual counselling. But those feelings of absolute hatred and rage are still so strong in me some days.
I am torn between feeling sorry for my ex, because I admit I had been a mess for a while leading up to when he cheated and I probably did push him away...and then feeling absolutely furious that he abandoned me when I also needed him most.
It feels almost like, the going got tough (with the debt and with our working hours making us like passing ships) and whereas I dug my heals in and tried to make it work...he went off the rails and dabbled with drugs, unprotected sex and then kept this lie for months until I found out.

I am just so shocked and disgusted and hurt.
I don't feel I've had time to grieve it really, because lockdown made the circumstances so bizarre, that we were kind of forced to 'play happy families' because normal life was on hold.
I feel that now, since the kids are back in school and we are both back at work, that I am trying to get my head around my new circumstances but he is still trying to behave like we are fine and dandy.

For example he tries to be all light-hearted with the childcare arrangements.
We've agreed that we are fairly flexible with the arrangements, but I feel almost like he is abusing my good nature by expecting me to jump when he says..and still assuming we will spend time together as a family at times. I guess I feel so guilty that his side is so dysfunctional, that is it wasn't for me and the children, he really doesn't have much of a support network.
I am, of course, very amicable with him for the childrens sake...I guess for both our sakes too, but actually I find it really draining to keep up this charade when I am so broken beneath the surface.

I swing between feeling sorry for him because of his background, dysfunctional upbringing and the fact he had depression and then feeling absolute anger that it doesn't justify the choices he made that night.

I just feel absolutely numb. Like I am going through the motions and am constantly on the verge of tears again.
I don't want to feel bitter and angry and awful - which I currently do - but I am also torn between feeling the weight of co-dependency but also how empty I feel without him by my side.

I can't imagine my future without him, but I feel I am being forced to because of how he treated me and it terrifies me that he has such a hold over me too....

[FingersCrossedForAllOfUs]

I didn’t want to read and run. I just wanted to say I’m sorry to hear what you have been through.
It is still early days and those feelings are normal and understandable. It’s a cliche but time is a healer and the longer you are apart the more you will be able to distance yourself from all the pain and start to feel stronger.

I’m glad you are having counselling, do you feel this is helping?

[CookieClub]

@FingersCrossedForAllOfUs

I didn’t want to read and run. I just wanted to say I’m sorry to hear what you have been through.
It is still early days and those feelings are normal and understandable. It’s a cliche but time is a healer and the longer you are apart the more you will be able to distance yourself from all the pain and start to feel stronger.

I’m glad you are having counselling, do you feel this is helping?

Thank you.

Yes the counselling is definitely helping.
Ex comes from a background of addicts, and I am so gutted that he has dabbled with this pathway too and caused this carnage.

I guess I feel somehow guilty/responsible for his actions but I don't know why I feel that way?!
I read up co-dependency and in some ways we both fit the description...I feel like maybe when we met, we were both broken in different ways (teenagers) and we both complimented each other.

I suppose I am just a bit confused about it all. I like when I can 'read' people and am generally very good at this, but to have him behave this way has been the shock of my life...I feel horrified that I thought I knew him so well, but yet it seems I don't atall. I presume these are normal feelings after the shock of infidelity/substance abuse?!

[FingersCrossedForAllOfUs]

I think these are normal feelings, the shock and confusion. But the guilt and feeling responsible are all things he should be feeling and hopefully he is.

I’m glad the counselling is helping. Try and build up your life with the children, focus on things you enjoy and try and find time for yourself too.

[CookieClub]

@FingersCrossedForAllOfUs

I think these are normal feelings, the shock and confusion. But the guilt and feeling responsible are all things he should be feeling and hopefully he is.

I’m glad the counselling is helping. Try and build up your life with the children, focus on things you enjoy and try and find time for yourself too.

I am trying to...I just feel so lost without him.
I guess I'm just pissed off I adored him so much and was trying so hard for what we had, even though it was a bit shit at times (just kid stress, money worries etc) and he gave up on us so fucking easily.
I'm actually more annoyed/concerned that he took class A drugs tbh, than the fact he then cheated when high...I really didn't think he'd do that, he seems to adore the kids, but has shown he has no impulse control and it scares me he's so reckless

[blackcurrantjam]

Some of what you are saying does sound a bit codependent. Understandably in a way because of your history. But it's really not your fault what he did and the choices he made. And you are understandably hurt by what he has done. I found this website very clear and helpful and really laugh out loud funny in places when I was wrestling with devastation following discovering stuff about my stbxh. Did include class As too :(. I was no angel at uni etc but it was a shocking discovery when I found out about class As considering our age/his mood/our children. It explained a lot tbh and I filed for divorce. Not looking back.

Chumplady.com

[picklemewalnuts]

That sounds really hard. You might need to unpick your feelings, and work out what you want.

Now the initial newness has worn off, you need to be clearer about arrangements. It can be flexible while still being organised. Perhaps discuss every Monday what the arrangements will be for that week.

Then you need to step away from times when he has them, so he does things on his own. You won't feel it's properly real until your lives separate more. It's a bit half in, half out at the moment.