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I want to break up but feel stuck. Help/advice please!(57 Posts)
I never thought I would be someone who asked for advice like this online but I have no one else to talk to and would really like some advice or help please.
I am not happy in my relationship, in fact I feel quite miserable. Been with my partner for 6 years, living together for 5 and we have a 14 month old. There are no serious issues - I mean no abuse/controlling/cheating or anything. I am just not happy.
I own the flat and pretty much pay for everything and I always have done. Looking back I regret this because I made it easy for him. He was working (self employed) before covid making ok money but apart from halving some bills, I never saw any of it. He saw it as his money. I pay for most things including all things baby related. Since covid he has lost his job so depended completely on me since March. Recently got a new part time job but one that doesn't pay as much. My worry here is that he will not be able to afford his own place or afford rent. He saved no money from his previous job, I mean nothing at all despite the fact he has a child. This has really bothered me and I find it irresponsible as my son is my number 1 priority. He seems to think it's fine for me to fund everything.
When it comes to parenting, I see him not as an equal but as an occasional babysitter. He doesn't get up with the baby, doesn't think about what to feed the baby etc. If he worked then fair enough but he was unemployed from March to September.
I just feel so unhappy and can't accept that this is my life forever now. Before we had a baby, promises were made about things he would do but not one of them has happened.
The thing stopping me is that I don't know where he will go as without me he would have no money. I also feel really guilty about upsetting him. I can't believe he is happy in this relationship though and I wonder if he's staying because he doesn't have anywhere to go. We basically just coexist in the same flat. We don't do anything together really, he sits in one room and I'm in the living room. I'm finding myself starting to resent him and getting really annoyed by him and I don't want to feel like this.
I don't know how to bring it up or tell him. How do you even start the conversation?! He can be petty and I really hate the thought of confrontation. We don't really argue or fight, it just doesn't feel like a relationship to me. I worry that I'll still be in this situation in years to come.
Sorry if this has been a bit jumbled, I hadn't really planned what to say before typing.
Has anyone been in a similar situation and has any advice for me?
Where he will go isnt your problem surely. Hes a grown up he can sort himself out.
@Dazedandconfused10 thanks for reading and replying. I keep trying to tell myself that but then wonder if I'm being heartless and cruel!
I'd start by asking him if he's happy. In a general sense. Non-confrontationaly. "Are you happy?" Keep it general, impersonal, philosophical almost. He might be having similar thoughts and can't work out how to bring them up. If nothing else it might start him wondering if he is happy and start him thinking. He may say he's very happy and think his life is perfect - in which case you toss the fucker out on his ear.
He's fairly useless isn't he, but quite good at being rescued by you?
Stop saving him, he needs to move out and sort his life out.
@TheSandman thanks for this. This sounds like a good approach.
My worry here is that he will not be able to afford his own place or afford rent.
Not your fucking problem. This cocklodger can sort out his own affairs. Show him the door and change the locks.
@Enough4me thank you. I do know you're right. I think this and then feel angry and resentful but then I start to worry that I'm being horrible. But I do agree that he needs to sort himself out!
He sounds depressed. Were you happy pre baby?
@Aquamarine1029 thank you. You are right. I don't know why I keep feeling so guilty about it!
@wincy I don't think he is. He is quite negative and moans a lot but hasn't suggested feeling depressed at all. Yeah I guess so but baby was very much wanted and planned. I'm just not sure he was ready for the reality of life with a baby. He wants to be able to live how he did before (ie rather selfishly).
You are feeling guilty because you are a caring and hardworking person. He isn't struggling as he's a sponge sucking in all your money and time.
He doesn't feel a shred of guilt about sponging off you and not caring for his child, does he?
Does he have anywhere at all he could go? Family? Friends? To be honest if you don't think he will leave easy I would make plans behind his back. Pack up his things and change the locks. He has been taking you for a ride for a long time. He clearly has no respect for you at all and he's been using you. Also see a solicitor about child contact so you know exactly where you stand. You don't need to sentence yourself to years and years in this drudgery. Don't be one of those people looking back years later and wondering where it all went wrong. Good luck
To be honest if you don't think he will leave easy I would make plans behind his back.
He has no choice but to leave. The op owns the flat.
I don't think he will refuse to leave as it is my flat so it's not as if he can expect me to leave... I hope not anyway! He wouldn't be able to afford it by himself.
@Aquamarine1029 no he doesn't at all. In fact he feels hard done by at times. His attitude is very much 'I don't have enough money and you do so you can pay for everything'
I understand covid has hit everyone and that it affected his job but he was like this before. I keep hearing 'I used to make so much more' but then I think well I never saw any of it?! When he does have money he prioritises things that he wants, not what we might need because in his mind I'll buy that anyway so why should he?
I just feel stuck and don't know how to say it or bring it up. Honestly I'm at the point where I would rather he would cheat or something and I know that sounds so stupid!!
I own the flat and pretty much pay for everything and I always have done
If you chose to have a baby with him while you were already paying for everything then maybe he thinks it's not a big deal to you?
I think you have to be honest with him. You can't go on living like this. It sounds soul destroying.
You say he is not an abuser or controller. Yet he really is - there is some form of financial abuse here - his money is his and he lets you pay for everything? By doing this he controls you. He has saved nothing? Pays nothing for his child, does very little with him/her/for his/her?
You are doing it all anyway. Kick him out. He's an adult and now it's his time to adult - pay for his living, for his child, support the mother of his child.
You are in a very fortunate position that you own your flat. Open your eyes wide - once you acknowledge that he is a lazy cocklodger who brings very little to your life you will find it easier to pack his bags and tell him to leave.
Your priority is your child and yourself. He is not putting either of you at the top of his list so why should you support this freeloader?
Show your child what it is to be a strong independent woman with good strong boundaries.
@HibiscusNell yes I think that's it. I think I made it too easy for him so now he's just fine with it. Before having a baby he promised he would sort his situation out, would help out more financially and would learn to drive (I wanted him to be able to drive me to the hospital to give birth). None of these things have happened.
Thanks. I just wanted some reassurance x
@minmooch I hadn't thought of it like this but I guess you're right.
He does the bare minimum, like a part time babysitter. If I say "watch the baby while I quickly do this..." that's about it. Once I've finished, he's out the room to do his own thing.
My baby is my number 1 priority and I just don't feel it's the same for him.
Thank you for this. I honestly expected people to tell me I was cruel when I posted last night. I just needed some reassurance so thanks x
You're not being horrible/cruel! You are being very brave by putting yourself and your child first.
Wishing you all the best and positive thoughts
Hi OP - I had the same - my exP was self employed and didn’t earn hardly anything - lived with me in my house for 7 years - we also had a DC together . I was main breadwinner, worked full time, paid for everything and ran myself ragged. He kept saying things would pick up (financially) , promises etc and it went on and on. I also had his kids from his marriage at mine every weekend and housed them, fed them etc. I kept telling him I was losing respect, felt like his mum etc - nothing changed. In the end , I gave an ultimatum - be an adult and actually support yourself or leave. He shrugged and left. No fight whatsoever - that’s actually what hurt the most that once I demanded he contribute financially he just turned and left. He stayed at a mate’s house for a couple of weeks - and ended up staying for a couple of years , before moving into new girlfriends. He now lives at hers, and drives her car. And pays no maintenance for DD, although sees her 3 hours a week or so (no overnights).
So he hasn’t changed. Still happy go lucky cocklodger.
This will grind you down, and you will lose respect and love.(sounds like it is already gone to be honest). You deserve better
Hi @GaraMedouar thanks for your reply and thanks for sharing your story. That does sound quite similar. Do you feel in a better place now? My worry is he will turn around and say something like "how can you Chuck me out when I have nothing or nowhere to go??"
I do deserve better, you're right. Think I just needed to hear it. Thank you x
@k2331 - mentally I do feel in a better place yes. I do still feel annoyed that karma hasn’t come though. He has just gone on to cocklodge at someone else’s now. But I have to try and rise above it.
I tried to live with the situation, I really did, but I was becoming so resentful that it was turning me into someone I didn’t like. Moaning all the time. So yes I feel happier. And I feel I am giving my DD a good example and trying to teach her at a young age what crap to not put up with in a relationship . I was too desperate to be with anyone I suppose.
I ended up with an extra child - albeit a middle aged , bald child!!! And that was not attractive.
You have to think if it as not you chucking him out but him choosing to leave. If you’re in a partnership you want to be two partners , not a parent and child. And if he’s not prepared to be an adult in the partnership and take on responsibilities, then it’s not a partnership . So it’s his choice - why should you support a grown man as well as your own child. It’s mentally easier to be on your own. I do hope to meet someone at some point , but I won’t ever take on a cocklodger again.
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