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Feeling guilty for leaving

(5 Posts)
sarah8484 Fri 02-Oct-20 13:18:59

I left my partner of 11 years last year. It was a very unhappy relationship (on my part) and my ex was an emotional and mental bully to me for years without me realising. He didn't help with the children, shopping, housework. I did it all on my own. I was a single mum in a relationship. Our children could not be children because he would moan and shout at the first sign of them 'misbehaving' or 'fighting' (their boys and thats what boys do but he never saw it like that). He never did parents evenings, homework, nothing. I would take them out on my own and come home to a pile of washing up to do and would have to cook, wash up bath kids, put them to bed, do school runs while balancing work life. My friends or family couldn't come over because he made them feel uncomfortable, I worked part time and he made me feel guilty for working and leaving the children. Ive been called, ugly, a bad Mum, a slag, crazy and he insulting my family any chance he could. He mentally tortured me and on one occasion i said i was leaving. He would Not lett me sleep, threatening that ill never leave the house again, threatened to kill me. I would go to bed crying, i hated my life and my eldest was so unhappy (youngest was to young to understand). I finally after years of saying i was leaving, left. Id threatened this before and ex partner would always cry and apologise and change his ways for 2/3 days then his behaviour was back to 'normal'. Ive now moved out and im so happy and my children are doing amazing. But i feel guilty for leaving. I feel sorry for ex p. Im glad i left, it was the best decision i ever made but ex p mopes about and always looks sad and he's in our old family home which is a large house by himself and i feel sorry for him when i know I shouldn't. I gave him so many opportunities to change and I wasn't asking for the world and he couldn't do it. Im happy but im sad at the same time. I don't know why im feeling guilty all of a sudden. Anyone else left a broken relationship and felt similar? How did you deal with it.

OP’s posts: |
Audi80 Fri 09-Oct-20 19:42:13

I haven’t left yet but this is the exact reason I haven't, the guilt is massive and I can’t stand the thought of him being sad and lonely

Febo24 Fri 09-Oct-20 20:14:54

Me too. Ugh.

Febo24 Sat 10-Oct-20 07:56:11

We're not separated yet but just on the edge. H asked me how I was doing last night and I told him I was feeling a bit 'done'. Which I know isn't nice but if you read my other thread you'll see I've been trying really hard.

He went to bed early and sad. I felt awful.

Then I realised that I've been feeling awful since I walked in on him web camming. 3 months of feeling wretched, and doing what I can to protect his feelings.

He can manage one night feeling shit.

Dahokolomoki Sat 10-Oct-20 21:40:35

Its natural to still feel emotions for an ex - after all you did have a strong emotional connection to marry him, and stay with him for so long.

But don't let feelings wrongly influence your rational actions. You did the right thing by divorcing and leaving. Its ok to, once in a while, reminisce about the past and feel sorrow, as you did lose something - a relationship with a man that you did love and was very close to.

It seems like the trigger is seeing him, in the present moment, struggling with his own life. I would therefore think about trying to limit as much contact - as little physical contact as possible, block on social media so you don't see posts, don't ask your children about how their dad is after they spend time with him, etc.

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