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He left me with a 4 year old and dont want to move back what do I do if i still love him

(20 Posts)
alicja88 Tue 08-Sep-20 17:56:55

Did any of you had the similar situation? other women might be involved but is there a chance he learns his lesson and come back to me and son?

OP’s posts: |
FortunesFave Wed 09-Sep-20 04:37:11

Move on. Any man who walks out like that is not worth your pain.

You might be sad for months or even a year..but you WILL get over it. He might come back if his other woman doesn't turn out to be perfect but then he'll just do it again in the future.

Wait and meet someone who is kind.

nachthexe Wed 09-Sep-20 04:39:50

Grieve for what you thought you had. He wasn’t what you thought he was. Then move on, live a bloody fantastic life, and grow to appreciate that he didn’t hold you back by staying and limiting your possibilities.

Yeahnahmum Wed 09-Sep-20 04:43:18

He left not only you.
But his son too!!
He is showing you who he is. Believe what you see. Believe who he is.
And be sad. Of course ! And grief like pp said. But then: look at it with some fresh eyes and realise what kind of man this is. ..

mathanxiety Wed 09-Sep-20 05:19:41

Slap yourself in the face, and if that doesn't work, take a cold shower or a long brisk walk.

Do not play the 'pick me' dance with any man.

mathanxiety Wed 09-Sep-20 05:21:56

Also, try to figure out why you think you are the woman to finally tame him ( this is what your 'learned his lesson's dream is all about). You need to get to the bottom of this narrative in the background.

LemonTT Wed 09-Sep-20 13:51:36

What lesson do you think he is about to learn?

Why do you think he left you ?

Shmithecat2 Wed 09-Sep-20 15:38:26

If you take him back, the only lesson learned will be for him - that he can treat you like shit and get away with it. Don't let your son think that the way his father has treated you is ok.

alicja88 Wed 09-Sep-20 21:12:32

The thing is, he said he left me cos i never respected him and without saying too much details i basically didnt show him the love or understanding he wanted. Whichever way u look at it, i admit that blame was on both sides but i said to him multiple times that i have changed and understood now what he wanted and asked him to just try and give us last chance...ecen for the sake of our little one cos he doesn't have a clue what is happening ,( bless him) and all of the sudden is forced to be dragged between two houses.
i just dont get it why he wouldnt give us a chance at least....i just dont know how to make him see that his decision destroyed me and our son too

OP’s posts: |
alicja88 Wed 09-Sep-20 21:15:25

that is what i tell him that he keft son too but he days no that he only left me and everything he does is for his son... he just doesnt get anything i say

OP’s posts: |
BaskingMad Thu 10-Sep-20 00:47:25

You need to move on unless you want to plan your life around this man’s behaviour (which sounds awful btw). Take control of your life. Plan it on the basis he won’t be back.
Why would you even want him back - there would be no walking back in after walking out for me.

BaskingMad Thu 10-Sep-20 00:52:46

This is what i read from your replies - this man stropped off because your priorities and attention has rightly shifted from him to your son. At this point he comes out with all the wooly nonsense about lack of love and undestanding (aka sex? Pardon if i’m off the mark here).
How old are you? It’s better for your son to get used to 2 stable and predictable houses than being in one where one parent stropps off aka walks out regularly

mathanxiety Thu 10-Sep-20 02:46:42

The thing is, he said he left me cos i never respected him and without saying too much details i basically didnt show him the love or understanding he wanted. Whichever way u look at it, i admit that blame was on both sides but i said to him multiple times that i have changed and understood now what he wanted and asked him to just try and give us last chance

@alicja88
You are so well rid of this loser who wants you to play 'Guess What I REALLY Want'.

This is a game inflicted on nice partners by people who are basically emotional vampires. You will never be able to guess what he wants or needs. Understanding him will never be possible because nobody can read someone else's mind.

If you try to play this game, you will gradually find all of your attention and energy focused on him, trying not to disappoint him and hoping to avoid the painful experience of knowing (because he will tell you in multiple ways including cheating on you) that you are 'not enough'. He will give you the odd flash of affection - just enough to keep you trying for more.

Your cooking and laundry services will of course be taken for granted while he grinds you down and destroys you. Your destruction is the only way this game can possibly end. You cannot win here. He holds all the cards.

I would bet a large amount of money that there isn't actually blame on both sides. You have had the huge misfortune of getting involved with someone who is incapable of a normal, mutually loving relationship.

Please don't play the game he wants you to play (begging for one last chance). The price he wants is your dignity.

BigChocFrenzy Thu 10-Sep-20 03:01:59

alicja88

The thing is, he said he left me cos i never respected him and without saying too much details i basically didnt show him the love or understanding he wanted. Whichever way u look at it, i admit that blame was on both sides but i said to him multiple times that i have changed and understood now what he wanted and asked him to just try and give us last chance...ecen for the sake of our little one cos he doesn't have a clue what is happening ,( bless him) and all of the sudden is forced to be dragged between two houses.
i just dont get it why he wouldnt give us a chance at least....i just dont know how to make him see that his decision destroyed me and our son too


....
RUN !

alicja88 Thu 10-Sep-20 07:00:04

Yes you are right sex was barely there but from my point of view it was difficult to be nice after he was hidind council letters etc. putting us to debt etc. because he told me he couldnt tell me the truth cos i panic too much....and get furious shouting at him. so he preferred to not tell me anything. the trust was broken from my side hence why sex was minimal..i just couldn't. However if he was at fault i would never imagine him walking out on us...
I know a lot of people here say just run.... but all i care about is my son and i really dont want him to be raised in broken family...he misses the good times when we both went out to enjoy ourselves and had fun in the house...normality... now he has empty quiet house with me pretending to be happy...he still tells him: daddy u need to live in our house here!
it affects his emotionally but he would just disregard that and say that its because of me mentioning the whole thing all the time thats why he says it.... our son even started to wet his bed and have dreams about daddy and home as he mumbles it when asleep...he wouldnt sleep alone in his bed neither...all these things and he wouldnt see it as beneficial to move back in for the sake of his child. we have space he could live upstairs...he is just stubborn...
im 32 btw. he is 33.

OP’s posts: |
LemonTT Thu 10-Sep-20 09:50:39

It’s doesn’t matter if your ex is a prince or a wastrel he has left you. He is clear he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you. He has also said he wants a relationship with his son. You have to accept this, for your son and for yourself.

I actually agree with your ex that your response to the separation is the most likely cause of distress to your son. I think you need to seek some help with your anxiety and the way you are processing this situation. It’s not healthy.

It’s not harmful for a child to be raised across two functional homes. It is harmful to be raised in one dysfunctional home.

alicja88 Thu 10-Sep-20 12:08:47

It would be disfunctional if we bith were mot to change. I am different already and i know i can be as he would want me to be. I had difficult time and i just need a second chance cos there isnt anything that cannot be actually improved if you know what i mean. I just dont get why he wouldnt give me one more chance to show him things can be as in the beginning... the only reason why i guess he wouldnt want it to happen is cos there is another women in the picture. he was chatting with her since last christmas and only recently i have found out they have been talking a lot...also she said to me they have kissed and he slept few times on her sofa whilst transitioning from my hosue to his new flat...and he wouldnt even tell me if they are in relationship or just good friends or what? why would he keep is as a secret if he doesnt care about me anymore? i just dont get that why he just would say as it is??

OP’s posts: |
blackcurrantjam Tue 15-Sep-20 12:19:24

Chumplady.com

Trust that he sucks

Mumoftwo1994 Tue 15-Sep-20 12:27:53

alicja88

Did any of you had the similar situation? other women might be involved but is there a chance he learns his lesson and come back to me and son?


My friend gave her partner multiple changes of the course of about 2 years. He was still meeting people or messaging people, I think he wanted the family life but not the work that goes with it.
He might not go off for 10 years but highly doubt it won't happen again, but it's what you think is best for you and mainly your son.

AnnaMagnani Tue 15-Sep-20 12:34:11

So basically - you both needed to change, you put in the effort, he didn't and then he just told you to change harder?

Um no. This man is not worthy of you.

You need to reassess how valuable you are, how much effort you put in - loads - and how much he put in - not much at all.

You are an amazing mother and life partner and he is a shit. Why should you respect him? There was nothing to respect was there!

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