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STB Ex wants custody of DS

(9 Posts)
applebags Sun 23-Aug-20 19:14:25

*A bit of background*: I've instigated splitting up with my husband. I've done wrong, he's done wrong. He wants to keep trying to make it work but I'm done.

Things came to a head just before Christmas when I made a serious error or judgement which I regret. However - it was the catalyst for talking about separation which I very much want. He thinks I'll regret separating and that I'm going through with it as bravado due to guilt over what happened. He's so far followed classic manipulation strategies: Saying I'm destroying his life, saying I'm destroying our son's life, saying he'll kill himself, saying he'll make my life hell, saying he'll send incriminating photos of me to work, saying he'll change, saying I'm a bad mum, saying I'm a fat nobody. There's more but you get the picture.

We've had dozens of awful and emotional conversations since Christmas and are still at the point of living together and he's saying to give it more time. I'm so fed up. I want him to go.

Financially I'll be ok. I can afford to live here and pay all the bills - except nursery. 'D'H has a 6 day a week job with long hours. He is saying the only way he'll leave is if he gets custody of DS. He wants to give up work until DS gets free nursery hours then will find something to fit around that.

He's saying I can have DS one day a week and at weekends. My gut feeling is no, but I'm not actually sure if that's fair and if I'm thinking more of myself than what's right for both DS and DH?

Is it partly the taboo around mums not being primary carer?

I'm stuck and driving myself mad - please give me some thoughts and advice!

Sorry for epic post....

OP’s posts: |
beelola Sun 23-Aug-20 19:19:15

If you're the primary carer now then there's no reason for that to change. If he is then that should continue.

tribpot Sun 23-Aug-20 19:21:53

Given he has a 6 day a week job right now, I'm assuming he is not the primary carer.

Based on that, he is deliberately trying to offer you something unpalatable so you'll think the only option is to stay. I would consult a lawyer and get a clearer picture of what the court will think is fair. It will not be for a small child to be removed from his primary carer for the majority of the week.

pickingdaisies Sun 23-Aug-20 19:26:47

How much hands on parenting has he actually done? It sounds like he's got a Kramer Vs Kramer fantasy going on, but he has no idea what the reality will be like. Certainly nothing like a bit of weekend Dad- ing.

applebags Sun 23-Aug-20 19:26:51

Thanks both. He's been the primary carer since March due to furlough on his part whilst I was still working for most this year. Prior to this we both worked so shared childcare pretty evenly.

We've now both back at work (albeit only in the last two weeks), and DS will be starting back at nursery 3 days a week in Sept.

OP’s posts: |
Rtmhwales Sun 23-Aug-20 19:29:52

Who's caring for him the two days a week in September he's not at nursery?

tribpot Sun 23-Aug-20 19:32:51

It sounds like 50:50 is more reasonable, I'd maybe suggest 2 days on, 2 days off or maybe 3 days on, 3 days off. It sounds like DH wants all his weekends free to do what he likes. It's fairer to share weekends and weekdays.

applebags Sun 23-Aug-20 19:40:21

Rtmhwales I have a day off in the week and so does DH.

OP’s posts: |
beelola Sun 23-Aug-20 20:27:24

I find 50:50 really disruptive to children tbh. It sounds like he shouldn't get residency just to end things. The usual arrangement would be every other weekend and one night mid week for the non resident parent but you could do whatever works for you

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