Separation advice

[Mandy8t1]

Hello,

I need some advice please.

I’ve been in a loveless marriage for some time and need help to identify the next steps forward.

My husband and I have been married 6 years and together 15. We have a son together.

For many years, I’ve felt disrespected and unloved by my husband as he would go out and return in the early hours so drunk he’d be unable to tell me where he’d been, wasn’t as engaged with our son, didn’t do as much around the house and stopped showing any intimacy or interest in me unless initiating sex. I communicated my dissatisfaction with our relationship some time ago and explained the damage this behaviour was causing, however, he wasn’t interested in counselling and didn’t seem to care about the impact it was having to our happiness and relationship.

Last year, things became worse and my husband started drinking heavily and became verbally abusive towards me. He’d regularly call me a C*. I felt truly hated in my own home and nothing I do ever seems right. I have felt very unloved and alone for a long time and there are other issues surrounding my husband’s mental health which he will not address despite me asking, even for the sake of our child.

We have been living apart (in separate rooms) for a few months and I have told my husband that I want to separate. I feel I have nothing left to give this relationship and am deeply unhappy. I have been seeking happiness with friendships and personal achievements, but ultimately, I feel my marriage is over and I rather feel alone on my own. I have been spending time away and feel much happier. When I return home I am very tearful and feeling hopeless.

I first told my husband I wanted to leave at Christmas, however he has been in denial. He wants to go to counselling now, but I don’t want to give a sense of hope as in my heart I know it is over. I also feel resentful that everything is on his terms. It feels too little too late. My husband is acting much nicer than usual and said that since lockdown he had fallen back in love with me again and appreciates me more. Unfortunately, I don’t feel the same and think it’s because there aren’t the opportunities to be out. Once things go back to normal, I imagine the old behaviours will resume too. I also feel the damage caused over the years is irreversible and had a huge impact on my mental health and self esteem. I feel completely worn down.

During lockdown, I have felt stuck and we haven’t progressed anything in terms of separating. Neither of us want to move out. We both own our property. The only solution I see is selling, as I can’t afford the rent in our area and want to keep our son in his school. My husband earns more than me but is unwilling to move out, which I understand as he doesn’t want to break up or give the message that he is ‘leaving’ to our son.

The anxiety and stress this situation is causing me is significant, but I don’t know what to do. We are getting on well but both burying our heads in the sand and I can’t stay in limbo. I don’t know what next steps I should be taking. Any advice welcome. Thanks in advance.

[keeponsmiling679]

I'm so sorry to hear this

It sounds so familiar, and I too feel stuck where to move forward.
I have asked H to get some professional help for his mental health issues or i can't stay with him.
He treats me and boys horribly, but in a subtle manipulative way that is soul destroying. Since telling him my thoughts, i can come to realise that i don't want to stay even if he does get help.

So at the moment, i am getting as much information i can about what i need to be able to love forward and separate.
I don't have an employed job, i'm self employed on a low income too low to support myself and the boys.
So in this time where you don't know what to do next, i'd get organised, get your next step mapped out, some money saved and paperwork ready that you might need copies of that he may try and hide from you.

It has taken me almost 20 years to realise how wrong my relationship is and that we deserve better, so just knowing how you feel is a big deal.

[Mandy8t1]

Hello,

Thanks so so much for responding too me. It really means a lot.

I’m so sorry to hear that you are also in a similar situation. It’s so tough isn’t it!? I’m struggling with the ups and downs and not knowing where I am from one day to the next. I really hope things improve for you too.

Thank you so much for the advice. I think you’re right. Getting organised and having an idea of what’s what is key.

Whilst I’m sorry to hear you’re having a bad time, it’s also reassuring to know that I’m not alone.

Thanks again,

Xxxx