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Is being twice divorced taboo?

(26 Posts)
Isreeh Mon 10-Aug-20 15:20:16

Hi everyone, I am starting the process of divorcing my second husband but this will be my second divorce and I am feeling very low and a failure.
My first marriage was in 2009 but that lasted 1 month as my EDH started to become abusive and I felt it was massively wrong for us to get married as I didn't want to stay married to a control freak. He didn't show any signs when we were dating.

With my second marriage I really love my DH but he's been having any affair for nearly two years and won't break contact with the OW.

To anyone else out there who have been twice divorced, how did you find it? Did you get judged? Is there a better future out there? It's very scary but the right thing to do.

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Scoobyscoobedydoo Mon 10-Aug-20 15:55:53

Oh OP! Don't even ask that. You simply cannot stay in a situation like that. Just get the divorce and sod any negative opinions.

JamieLeeCurtains Mon 10-Aug-20 15:58:02

Do the right thing for yourself. I respect you for that.

notacooldad Mon 10-Aug-20 15:59:24

I havent been divorced but a few of my very close friends have been divorced twice.
The reasons, funnily enough, were excatly the same as yours.
I have never known any one to judge them except for the parents of one but they do that with everything she does anyway!
Get your self a new life and be happy!!

Feralkidsatthecampsite Mon 10-Aug-20 15:59:36

I have been divorced 3 times. Nobody's business..
Didn't bother current dh so why would I care what anyone else thinks?

DPotter Mon 10-Aug-20 15:59:39

Absolutely do the right thing for you. So many lives are brutalised because of worrying what other people will think

JustTurtlesAllTheWayDown Mon 10-Aug-20 16:16:00

I've been divorced twice. It happens. Hasn't been an issue for me.
Anyone who judges you for it is the type of person whose opinion isn't worth much.

GlassOfProsecco Mon 10-Aug-20 19:16:12

No, of course not - much worse to stay in shitty relationships & be unhappy

DeRigueurMortis Mon 10-Aug-20 19:23:13

I'd personally respect you more for getting out of two shitty relationships...

Anyone who judges you for the circumstances you describe isn't worth you having any time for.

Legallybleachblonde Mon 10-Aug-20 20:00:24

I've also been divorced three times. All for completely different reasons. Okay, it doesn't sound great but my conscience is clear and I'm happy 😊

Rossaloony Mon 10-Aug-20 20:04:36

My mums been divorced 3 times. It's v common and I wouldn't think deeply about it or judge someone if they'd been divorced more than once.

LimeLemonOrange Mon 10-Aug-20 20:15:22

It's all about context and the reasons. Yours are 100% valid. Whereas if someone was just divorcing spouses after they've got a bit bored, that tells you something about how that person approaches relationships.

Isreeh Mon 10-Aug-20 21:26:28

Thanks everyone. The other complex reason for me is that I’m from a Indian background where twice divorcees are frowned upon. For me I’ve been conditioned to think that I’ll be blamed or there is something wrong with me for not being able to hold down a marriage. That’s obviously BS but there will be judgement. Also I married a English man that I dearly love but now I feel like I was a novelty as he started the affair in the first year of marriage with someone who I’d say has more in common with. Either way I’m at a low and wanted to see if the good people of mumsnet had good advice or similar experiences. X

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longtimecomin Mon 10-Aug-20 21:32:53

That's the sign of a patriarchal society right there. If a woman divorces twice there's something wrong with her!!! No assumption it's the men. That attitude boils my piss. More people need to divorce lots so we can all get over this ridiculous notion that it is shameful to leave an abusive or badly matched partner.

Isreeh Mon 10-Aug-20 21:58:37

@longtimecomin I totally agree with you but there is not I can do other than live my life without him. He just stopped caring when the ow came onto the scene. To top if off I had a awful miscarriage which put me in a slight depression but he blames me for the affair!

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LouisBalfour Mon 10-Aug-20 22:01:38

I'd judge you more than if you stayed for the sake of appearance.

Just move on - you won't be the only one.

Isreeh Mon 10-Aug-20 22:40:53

@LouisBalfour I can’t stay any longer, plus we’ve been separated for 1 year and 8 months. It’s time for me to officially get rid. In my head I’ve been living in a bubble for so long and ow decided enough is enough. Scared as hell to divorce again but it’s the right decision. X

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Legallybleachblonde Tue 11-Aug-20 07:25:56

Be brave OP. You have perfectly valid reasons to divorce and your health and wellbeing are the most important thing here. My second marriage was abusive - I stayed in it far too long because I was ashamed of getting divorced again and how I would be perceived. It's your life, you only get one shot - don't waste it X

Isreeh Tue 11-Aug-20 12:28:30

@Legallybleachblonde you and everyone who has commented are right. He’s agreed to a divorce and won’t contest it. For me it’s just really sad it had to come to this but I can’t keep asking him to work on a marriage which he obviously didn’t want. I gave him a ultimatum and it seems he’d rather divorce so I have to accept this and move on.

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Yeahnahmum Wed 12-Aug-20 16:48:31

A second divorce isnt! Of course it isnt
A third marriage would be taboo or at least frowned upon i guess ...
But no op. It isnt. We all deserve our second shot at happiness and it is very sad that you didn't get your dream man second time around.

You should be proud. You are removing this man out of your life after he has been such a lowlife. Too many ladies on here sticking around for way too long and holding on to way too little.

Choose you op. Always choose you.

Isreeh Thu 13-Aug-20 00:58:07

@Yeahnahmum I agree with you. I’ve blocked him so it’s all going to be formal through email. Still it’s sad to think the man I married, loved, lost a baby with could ever choose someone else when we had such a promising future together. I’m from a Indian background so obviously it’s my fault but I hope new love and trust still exists. flowers

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pointythings Thu 13-Aug-20 16:21:48

Like many on this thread, I respect you more for having high standards and not putting up with awful behaviour from men.

My husband died before the divorce came through, but the only person I had any judgement from was my mum, and I soon put her straight when I told her he was an alcoholic who had threatened to kill me.

Those who matter don't mind, those who mind don't matter.

DeeplyMovingExperience Thu 13-Aug-20 16:25:29

Judge Judy has been divorced twice and she's my shero. grin
Never mind what anybody thinks. They can all piss off.
Dump the chump and well done to you!

Isreeh Thu 13-Aug-20 21:47:01

@pointythings @DeeplyMovingExperience thanks ladies. Trust me I tried so hard with trying to make things work, I would have even forgiven him over time if he cut contact with the ow. But he blamed me for the affair saying I made the miscarriage all about me. He just wanted to play her knight in shining amour (she was apparently coming out of an abusive marriage) and put his wife second. It’s funny how things look so clear in retrospect but still not easy. X

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LavenderBee Sat 05-Sep-20 07:04:07

Agree with all that say hold your had high... though don’t agree that third marriage is taboo. a long term commitment, but sometimes people grow apart and sometimes we have to escape because of abuse and ongoing infidelity. Good luck for a brighter future

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