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How could I manage?

(11 Posts)
Waltzine Fri 07-Aug-20 23:48:44

Dh earns 100k+, I earn 12k pa. Two dc, age 10&13. Younger dc is autistic.

I have realised that my decision to be a sahm since having children has completely and utterly screwed my access to any sort of job. I have applied for a lot of min wage positions and not even got an interview - I’m probably overqualified as I have a masters degree and a very broad and varied cv prior to having children. But this is over 13 years ago. Since the children were born, I have built up my own self employed business which works in the children’s school hours, term time only ( I earn c12k pa, working part time, term time only, to fit around the children)

I would have gone back to a ‘proper’ job when both children were at secondary school but I didnt, as one of my children is autistic and my husband can’t/won’t parent him. For example, I had a work zoom meeting at ds’ bedtime that I had to leave because my dd was messaging me telling me how furiously cross dh was getting with ds who wouldn’t get in the bath. There are many, many more similar examples.

Regardless of whether I apply for min wage jobs, or jobs that are at a slightly higher level - I don’t even get an interview. I realise now that I have totally underestimated the impact a 13 year career break has sad

We have about 400k equity in our house, optimistically. Pretty much all pensions are in dh’s name as he gets 40pc tax relief on them, so it made financial sense.

A basic 3 bed maisonette in our area is about 275-300k. Rent for similar is about 1.2k per month. I wouldn’t be able to buy or rent sad

There’s no way could I cover the mortgage plus bills for our current shared house on my 12k income.

How on earth could I manage alone?I have just suddenly realised that I’ve shot myself in the foot by deciding to be a sahm. Additionally, as dh cannot / will not parent our asc child when he is being ‘’difficult’’- how would shared parenting work? Asc child would grow to hate time spent with his father as dh really doesn’t understand asc (despite the fact he admits he is,likely on the spectrum himself).

Maybe I should just stick it out till the children leave home (6-8 years?)

Postscript - I don’t want to go into details as to why I want to leave dh. I’m waiting for him to be able to go back to the office so that I can set up counselling with relate to see if they can help me deal with it well enough to stay till the kids leave home...

OP’s posts: |
millymollymoomoo Sat 08-Aug-20 05:59:59

Well divorce and share of assets is dine in a needs basis so you start there
You have 3 children who need a home
Add up equity plus pensions value ( you’ll need to get this valued) then work out what assets are available
For example if you got 100% of equity tiu caiukf buy a property outright and would not need a mortgage
Your dh jas better mortgage raising Capability
Loook at what child maintenance is each month -1k? And possibly spousal for a few years to help you bank into full time work

Sounds to me financially you’ll be ok

Re child care arrangements I think need to be realistic that you’ll do the lions share - perhaps dad will step up Once he has no choice but to cope with asc child ?

millymollymoomoo Sat 08-Aug-20 06:01:59

Sorry for all the poor spelling above!

You could buy a home buy not whatever autocorrect put

SteinhamGloria Sat 08-Aug-20 08:48:54

As said by Milliemlymoomoo......

But OP, don’t think being a sahm has been a waste of time. It’s such a shame when people only value themselves in terms of how much they can earn. You’ve contributed hugely to your family and have every right to be able to get on your own financial way (because absolutely money is needed to live) but your husband is obliged to make sure things are fair. I think it needs to be understood that a man with a high salary does not walk away with everything if the marriage dissolves. Spousal maintenance will be get you on your feet. Pension share or offsetting with the property would see you good too.
It’s not a case of get on with your 12k and walk away. Why do women think that?! Get your figures together and get legal advice. They will explain how you can manage with six figure salaries between you.

BurtsBeesKnees Sat 08-Aug-20 08:52:16

As part of the divorce financiers are split, this takes into consideration everything, regardless of who's name it's in. 50/50 is a starting point, however it's decided on a needs basis. Speak to a good solicitor for starters. The cost of a solicitor can be taken out of the proceeds of the divorce so it's worth paying for a good one

kerkyra Sat 08-Aug-20 09:00:40

No words of wisdom from me except I'm kind of in the same boat. Divorced,12yr old ds with asd and work part time ( school hours) so I am home for him.
You will get universal credit and with your wage and child maintanance should be fine. Good luck Op.

helloareyouthere Sat 08-Aug-20 09:01:00

How will your husband feel about the divorce? Will he oppose it? Avoid paying out? Or agree with you?

If he agrees you need to split - you could try a nesting arrangement where the kids stay in the house, and when you have custody you move into the house - when he does he moves into the house. That way you only need a one bedroom place for you, or could even rent a room as a lodger in someone else's house.

The situation with your son is tricky though.

helloareyouthere Sat 08-Aug-20 09:04:26

There is some sort of website called 'what am I entitled to' where you can work out what benefits you would get.

You can also look at what child maintenance you are entitled to.

And speak to a solicitor re spousal maintenance etc.

It will be a lot easier if your DH agrees to the split.

Would he want custody of your autistic son? Would he be happy for that to continue with you? Could yu argue that your autisitic son needs stability and could not cope with living between two homes/ swapping parents half week?

helloareyouthere Sat 08-Aug-20 09:25:01

Could there be room for negotiation, so that you get the house in return for less of the pension/ foregoing spousal/ child maintenance? There is a lot of room for negotiation. You are quite lucky that your DH is affluent and there are substantial shared assets, and so space for negotiation about the split.

LonginesPrime Sat 08-Aug-20 09:28:48

OP, you should also push for additional child maintenance for your autistic DC.

The CMS only deals with the basic statutory amounts based on child's age and contributing parent's ability to pay.

But a divorce settlement can also address (1) the difference required to care for a child with disabilities over and above the statutory minimum and (2) whether the fact you're his carer is impairing your ability to support yourself and the DC financially.

Waltzine Sat 08-Aug-20 23:40:30

Thank you all. It is useful to know that I haven’t entirely scuppered everything financially, choosing to be a sahm. But I do still worry about the years after my children have left home - If we separate, I assume I’ll need full time employment then, just to pay the bills. But that will be getting in close to 20 years that i,d have been out of the job market...

What concerns me more, though, is that I don’t want dc to lose their relationship with their dad. He isa nice dad, on his own terms. But, were we to separate, he really can’t deal with ds’ asc behaviour, and dd would end up being the buffer between her dad’s anger and ds’s stubborn pda and autistic behaviours (the role I currently hold...).

I feel that I have to stick it out for the next 6-8 years just to avoid this situation sad

OP’s posts: |

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