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Stale Mate in Divorce - Running out of options

(12 Posts)
QueenBee42 Mon 27-Jul-20 14:10:35

I left my husband in July last year, we tried living together with the children but his behaviour became unbearable, getting the older children 11 and 8 to swear at me, say they wished I was dead, they hated me whilst he filmed my reaction. I got a loan and a rented house in November as I was hopeful the situation would be resolved fairly quickly. The children spend time with us both I have them 8 nights/him 6 nights every fortnight, he instigated this and I didnt fight it even though our youngest was 4 at the time. Now 1 year later we are no further forward with the divorce, not for my trying to get resolution, offered 50/50 on the house, he can keep the contents and there are no pensions on either side. I have waited over one month for a reply to my offer and his valuations on the house. My solicitor says the only way forward as he clearly isnt prepared to mediate is to go to court. Our last letter threaten if we didnt hear anything in 7 days we would apply for a Form A. Its really beginning to effect my health, I went back to work when he started doing some childcare and I work long days when I haven't got our children, which is a blessing really but I am on minimum wage and my wages now wont cover the rent/bills, loan money is all gone and I worry I will lose this house and not be able to have our children on my days? Please tell me if anyone has experience anything similar, how they supported their children with all the emotions they feel about the family break up and how you found the strength to keep going?, every day I wake up with an awful foreboding feeling!

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Sicario Mon 27-Jul-20 14:24:42

So sorry you are going through this. Divorce is horrible. Your only option is to press the button and go legal. It's the only way to get it over and done with.

QueenBee42 Mon 27-Jul-20 17:24:36

It truly is and I dont understand it as he says he wants to move on with his life. He has also been telling the children Mummy is making me homeless wtf... it isnt just his home, I have always worked and put money into the house, not full time when we had kids. He told me in the kitchen of our beautiful renovated house, you have done nothing, you deserve nothing, so sad 18 years later. Makes you not trust people, I dont have family support but my friends have been brilliant. Thanks Sicario

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Tiddleypops Mon 27-Jul-20 17:54:18

Oh @QueenBee42 me heart really goes out to you. I'm so sorry you are having to put up with this. Your story really resonates with me because I'm in a similar stalemate situation.

It's agony and like you, I just cannot get my head around why?! You've offered 50/50 even though you could get more if it went to court because you have the kids more often, so why can't he just get on with it. I 'just' need my exH to sign the final paperwork for consent order so we can finish this and everyone can move on (after 2.5 years of him stalling every step of the way). It's just horrible.

QueenBee42 Mon 27-Jul-20 18:39:04

@Tiddleypops thanks for your message, we both have to stay strong. I sometimes sit here when the girls arent with me and just think how can 18 year relationship come to this, nasty messages, took me to court on a non molestation order saying he was a victim of domestic abuse. Everything he did to me he put in the court papers I did to him including putting me down all the time, telling me I was an idiot (I have a BSc Hons degree), pathetic etc, was always saying I was cheating on him, cause problems when I wanted to go out on my own, asking where I was, didnt want me to get a smart phone, controlled the finances, we gave 10k to his step dad when his van was stolen, had full control of all our personal money including dividend that I earn from the family business we ran. The list goes on, I was always with the children but I was happy with that so didnt feel restricted, he did what he wanted, when he wanted. I have had his family all turn against me, I known them all 18 years, I had his mum the first weekend after I told him I had gone to instruct a solicitor come storming around my house telling me her son will not be a weekend father and will go on to have a second family, I just said I'm sorry but that is nothing to do with me, me and your son are very different people and we see the world different. They have tried to use my breakdown in 2018 and subsequent treatment for mild depression against me, his mum even said to me your bi polar and I'm going to get your kids taken away from you. His sister who's a police officer has phoned our school child care provider to get information about the children, saying they are unsafe with me! They told her nothing but the busy body childminder then kept on talking to my husband on the days he picked them up from school, the kids told me (Clearly he had told her private conversation we had about her parenting and how she has taken her child from man to man, each time setting up in a new place for it to fail within a year then on to the next man poor child). People can be truly horrid and the fall out is massive, I wished I had more support from my family but they have there own issues. Getting the job I now do in January saved me and our children keep me going, I didnt see them for 11 weeks as he could work from home and I was in a high risk job as I work as a carer in a nursing home. He didnt encourage them to phone me, I used to get home after a 12,5 hour day to my eldest not really wanting to video call me and the youngest not even bothering to come and say Hi, it was the hardest thing. I got them back in June and we are slowly getting back to our new normal but the fact I cant afford this house looms over me constantly. I asked my mum for help but she isnt sure she will get her money back as she thinks I will lose everything and I dont want to put pressure on her. It is truly such a mess! but I will keep on looking for the rainbow in these dark skies and so should you!

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slipperywhensparticus Mon 27-Jul-20 18:47:47

Are you claiming all the benefits your entitled too?

silentpool Mon 27-Jul-20 19:14:33

I'm in the same boat. Ex refusing to fill out Form E so I have to go to court to get my financial order done. It will cost me silly money to get a lawyer to do it, so I will have to self represent.

QueenBee42 Mon 27-Jul-20 22:39:16

@slipperywhensparticus I think so, in the process of claiming universal credit until the house is sold then think I will have to pay it all back. I know I may get more going to court but just cant face the kids going through anymore with him. One time when my eldest chose to come with me and the youngest when it was my weekend she later told me that he said to her "think you picked the wrong parent dont you". He is an absolute shocker and the quicker this is done and sorted the better but I know he is going to drag this out as much as he can, sadly

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QueenBee42 Mon 27-Jul-20 22:43:17

@silentpool I'm so sorry you are having the same issues. I am going to do as much of self representation as I can to keep costs down. Wednesday this week is his deadline to get a response back if not we start the court process and he will have to work to the judges timetable. Not sure how I'm going to keep going both financially and emotionally.

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millymollymoomoo Tue 28-Jul-20 09:04:40

Go to court
Go for 80%
Keep reassuring your children that you love them, that you’re sorry they have been put in this position, that whatever happens or he says, you love them and will be there for them. Don’t speak about their father to them

Lasvegas Thu 30-Jul-20 23:33:02

Hi I’m in similar situation. STBEXH left me nearly a year ago for someone he was having affair with.

Despite him leaving me and still being with affair woman, he will not engage in the divorce process. Initially said he would deal with all paperwork. Wasted 6 months not using correct form/ stalling.

2 months wasted refusing to voluntarily exchange Form E. Finally he agreed then day of exchange refused to do it, he has a solicitor who doesn’t reply to me.

2 months ago his sol said he was sending in Form A. I have asked every 2 weeks has he done it, nothing. I’m now going to have to waste money filing it myself.

I wish I had done it months ago then I could have applied for maintenance pending suit. We are both paying mortgage of FMH, he is living in what was our investment property that is mortgage free. Each month I have the stress of not knowing if he will pay his share of the mortgage. He earns £90k more than I do, he can afford to pay the mortgage, but I think he won’t to spite me, even if it means house is repossessed.

I had to get counselling for our older teen as she discovered the affair, he asked her not to tell me, she did, Of course the right thing, but it has messed her up from a trust perspective.

QueenBee42 Tue 04-Aug-20 08:07:10

@lasvegas I really feel for you! And must be truly awful for your daughter. My parents divorced after my father had a secret affair which my mum found out about, with everything that is going on in my life feelings about what happened then have resurfaced in a big way, I dont think you ever get over the breaking of trust of a parent. You must hold your head up, be there for your children and know in your heart that you are doing what you can. I finally had a reply from his solicitor at the 11th hour and it was a rehash of the nonsense he has already sent apart from an inaccurate valuation of the family home which the estate agent has now retracted. My solicitor says our only way is court but I worry after everything the girls have been through of his emotional fallout on to them when he doesnt get his own way. Im hoping one more try will make him see sense. I will probably add to my debt my 20 plus so when the house sells I wont be able to rehouse us. Just hoping the judge see's through him as he can be very convincing, Good Luck

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