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Change of name after divorce!

(27 Posts)
HappyGoLucky81 Wed 15-Jul-20 21:38:29

Hi all, need a little advice if you don't mind.

Bit of background, my husband and I separated 10 months ago, he literally woke up one morning and decided that we were over, he couldn't do it anymore, he wanted to separate, then the following day he told me he wanted to connect with an old girlfriend (we met at 18/19 and were together 16 years). We''d been through a lot during that time and I'm glad that we're no longer together as we weren't working, we didn't make each other happy anymore, although I still really hurts as I didn't want this to happen. He now lives with her and her parents at their house.

We have 2 daughters (10&7) and they were dealing OK with the separation, although it has been hard they are doing OK. They still see him and have recently started doing overnight stays with them, the girlfriend treats the girls well, seems quite nice.

Anyway, he rung this morning asking for our marriage certificate as he wants to apply for the divorce and he was going to pay, he just want it over now. He will be citing adultery. I want to change my name back to my maiden name as it will symbolise the break from him but my girls want me to keep the same name as them.

The last thing I want to do is upset them but I'm torn, does anyone have any advice on what they did and the effect on the children. Both my and the ex have explained that no matter what I will still be "Mam".

Sorry for the long winded post but thank you xxx

OP’s posts: |
Mylifestartstoday Thu 16-Jul-20 12:10:44

I’m in a similar position, but mine are 15 and 17. He had a very long affair, and now he’s making my life very unpleasant. His family are known in the area (in a good way, but it’s all an act) and I hate the fact his surname connects me to them/him.
Could you double barrel? It’s not an option for me, but I’ve read that’s what a lot of people do. I’m torn, but I think I will change mine even if it means my children have a different surname. To be honest I think my children may change theirs too when they’re old enough

Otter71 Thu 16-Jul-20 12:11:02

Surely from what you say the adultery was his so either he needs another reason or you need to file? Personally I have kept the ex surname to be like the kids but I understand wanting to change. Maybe there are other ways to mark the split though?

boymum9 Thu 16-Jul-20 12:24:38

Just posting to say I'm also in this predicament and not entirely sure what to do. I never changed my name in the normal way though, I did it by deed poll to move my maiden name to a middle name (it's very much a surname name though so doesn't read like a normal middle name), so for example my name is:
Boy Mum Maidenname Exsurname.

I was thinking of dropping my married surname and moving back to maiden name, but changing ds's names by deed poll to add in my maiden name as a "middle name", does that make sense? Could that work for you?

boymum9 Thu 16-Jul-20 12:25:17

(Also as previous poster said you will have to file if he wants to cite adultery on his part!)

blubberball Thu 16-Jul-20 14:30:40

As much as it pains me, I've kept my married surname for now to be the same as my dc. I might change it in the future once they turn 18.

OhamIreally Sat 18-Jul-20 16:55:31

I've kept my married name to be the same as DD's and also because it's the name I've had as my career developed. My friends and I were joking a while back about changing our surnames to those of famous feminists. When DD is 18 and I retire I am seriously thinking of becoming OhamIreally de Beauvoir.

okiedokieme Sat 18-Jul-20 17:10:10

My dd thinks I should change my name (she's upset with her dad for leaving) anyway she's disappointed I'm not bothered, not particularly bothered about sorting the paperwork out either for divorce. Actually I'm in a new relationship that is going very well and if down the line (once either ex or I have bothered to file online for divorce) I remarry I would change my name then

aSofaNearYou Sat 18-Jul-20 17:12:39

Personally I think if you want to change it, you should, and just continue to explain to the kids. They are old enough to understand.

eausolovely Sat 18-Jul-20 17:23:43

From a child's perspective my mum kept her married name for years and years. She's only just changed it about 15 years later as she has remarried and I have to say it's a little strange but I'm an adult now and if I get married I would take my partners name any way.

Maybe try and have a really nice conversation about names in your family and how even if you don't have the same last name it doesn't mean anything will change. I think it will always be a strange thing to happen whether it is at their age or like me 23 haha. But if they understand why I'm sure they will be okay, lots of love ❤

SuperficialSuzie Mon 20-Jul-20 15:55:39

I always thought that I would revert back when the children were adults but I am petty and might keep it to piss off the OW grin

CoffeePleb Mon 20-Jul-20 16:00:14

How would your ex feel about you double barreling your children's names? Or adding your surname as an extra middle name for them?

2pinkginsplease Mon 20-Jul-20 16:01:52

@SuperficialSuzie 😂😂😂😂

My friend is keeping her married name, just to piss off the ex and his bit on the side! He wants her to change it but she’s keeping as he really children want her to keep it.

MooseBeTimeForSummer Mon 20-Jul-20 16:07:17

What PPs have said. He can’t petition for his own adultery.

PicaK Tue 21-Jul-20 09:44:58

You'll have to file. Therefore you have the upper hand atm. Now is the time to negotiate the financial split etc.
Pensions. If you file and the nisi is granted then 6 weeks 3 months ans 1 day after that he can apply for the absolute and you lose your widow's right to his pension. Not your right to claim your share - but he has to be alive for you to sort that out.
So say you are happy - and ask him what his offer is. And arrangements for the kids etc. Don't let him put you off. Don't let him make promises that aren't legally fixed in stone.
Get solicitor advice once he's given you an offer.

AudacityOfHope Tue 21-Jul-20 09:47:46

OhamIreally

I've kept my married name to be the same as DD's and also because it's the name I've had as my career developed. My friends and I were joking a while back about changing our surnames to those of famous feminists. When DD is 18 and I retire I am seriously thinking of becoming OhamIreally de Beauvoir.


That is a bloody GENIUS idea! Should I ever divorce my DH that's 100% what I'll do.

JeSuisPrest Tue 21-Jul-20 09:59:00

I'm keeping my married name. My mum changed hers when she divorced my DF and I hated having a different surname.

As far as the adultery is concerned, he can't file based on his own adultery, and if you want to use it as grounds for divorce you need to do so within 6 months of finding out about it, otherwise you'll need to use "unreasonable behaviour", if you don't want to wait for the 2 years separation grounds.

tonga Wed 22-Jul-20 15:37:53

I changed my name back to my maiden name after divorce. I’ve kept my married name in my passport for now as it has a few years to run and has made travelling with them easier I think. I think the kids like that I have the same surname again as their grandparents. I’m still their mum. There’s no way I was staying as Mrs X !

BatshitCrazyWoman Sun 02-Aug-20 16:54:04

I will be changing my name - I don't much like my maiden name (it doesn't flow well at all with my first name) so I'm going to choose my own - maybe Pankhurst, after reading this thread 😂😂

HappyGoLucky81 Thu 19-Nov-20 13:58:33

Hi, thank you for your help ladies and sorry I haven't responded earlier, its been a tough few months.

Today the decree absolute was granted and I am now officially divorced, still have no firmness on my decision on name change but thinking double barrelling but I don't know how it works tbh.

Using the marriage cert and decree can I officially can I change it on my bank and start using it and also do I revert back to Miss?

Also to confirm I ended up having to apply, we did it together online (he paid) and was pretty straight forward, took 12 weeks in total as we had no assets to devide.

Feel a lite lost and emotional now 😢

OP’s posts: |
frazzledasarock Thu 19-Nov-20 14:01:23

If you've got anything official with your maiden name on it you can use that and your marriage certificate and divorce certificate to change your name, take all documents, I used my passport which was under my maiden to change everything back.

I switched to using Ms on everything. Still do even though I'm re-married.

ladymary86 Thu 19-Nov-20 14:09:11

I've kept ExH name after divorce to keep it the same as my DC.
I've had nothing but abuse from him over it but I maintain my decision.

I think it's fairly straight forward to change it back over if you want, but whatever you do, make sure it's YOUR choice. It's your life and you have to be happy and comfortable with it.

RedMarauder Sat 21-Nov-20 23:36:06

OP I hope you got or are getting a clean break order asap, as if you win the lottery he can come after your winnings.

Btw this isn't a joke there is an actual case of this.

HosannainExcelSheets Sun 22-Nov-20 22:16:07

I've always had a different last name from my DC. Since splitting from their Dad, they have all asked to add my maiden name to their last name too. I think my ex will object, so I'm not sure I will. But kids will express what they want if they are allowed to.

CodenameVillanelle Sun 22-Nov-20 22:18:37

You can choose whichever title you like. You could be Mrs Yourname if you want, but I would definitely recommend Ms as it's a lot simpler, and Miss seems wrong for a mature adult woman.

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