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Am I horrible?

(12 Posts)
Bee2418 Mon 13-Jul-20 21:12:16

I have been married for 10 years. I met DH at 19, got pregnant a few months later and married not long after. We now have two kids. I haven’t been happy since 2014 but keep telling myself to stick with it just one more year. DH is not a bad person, he is much nicer than me. But our relationship is built on the fact that we are parents, something that is becoming painfully obvious as our boys get older. We don’t do things together, don’t have sex or go on dates. And that’s fine, I don’t want to do those things with him. But I also don’t want to spend another 10 years like this. We sold our house when we moved abroad for his job. We are due to move back to the uk and he wants to buy another house. But I can’t do it. I will be completely trapped and that idea is terrifying.
Do I just get on with it? Can I really leave when things aren’t bad? Is being unhappy really a reason end a marriage? Am I horrible?

OP’s posts: |
cheeseislife8 Mon 13-Jul-20 21:17:49

If you're unhappy, that is a reason. You don't need to justify or explain; if you want out, get out imho.

Whathewhatnow Mon 13-Jul-20 21:29:59

You're absolutely not being horrible. You're being kind and brave. Horrible is staying with someone under false pretences. You are so young. You have your whole lives ahead of you. Dont waste it on someone you dont adore.

Makethemost1 Wed 15-Jul-20 17:58:51

I totally sympathize with you @Bee2418. Just because he isn’t horrible doesn’t mean you aren’t allowed to be unhappy. Husband and I also became parents early on in our relationship, and as the kids have got older it is so clear that they are the only reason we are together. Wanting to separate doesn’t make you a bad person, and you can’t go through life being unhappy. I feel stuck just like you do - terrified of staying but terrified of leaving too. Like you said, you can’t spend another 10 years like this and that speaks volumes.

LatteLover12 Wed 15-Jul-20 18:05:08

You don't need any other reason; you're unhappy and that's enough.

Don't buy a house together. If you need longer to plan out your longer term future then rent for a while but definitely don't stay together and be miserable forever.

You only get one life. I was with my exh from a very early age too and I'm a million times happier now he's an ex.

It really helped me to make plans of how I'd like my life to be without him. Where I'd live, places I'd travel etc. It's a good catalyst to motivate you!

Yellowshirt Thu 16-Jul-20 23:58:40

You sound like friends not husband and wife

BestDaysAheadOfMe Fri 17-Jul-20 00:21:42

You’re not horrible at all. It’s ok to want to actually have a relationship and feel loved.
Is you husband happy with current status quo?
You’re around 29, all life ahead of you. Talk to him..

minipie Fri 17-Jul-20 00:22:55

What have you tried to improve your relationship with him?
Does he know you are unhappy? If so what has he tried?

HeddaGarbled Fri 17-Jul-20 00:34:18

I disagree with all posts above. All long term relationships go through phases like this.

Talk to him. Go to relationship counselling. Do things for yourself to improve your independence and personal fulfilment, particularly in terms of your career.

If you still feel the same after taking genuine steps to improve the relationship, that’s different, but it’s unrealistic and unfair to expect this one ordinary flawed human to maintain you in a state of perpetual happiness whilst remaining in ignorance of your true feelings.

Bee2418 Fri 17-Jul-20 02:37:34

Stuck is exactly how I feel. I can find 101 practical reasons to stay, but more and more I find myself looking at my life and thinking ‘is this it? Is this really it for me?’ I’m just so miserable but feel that I don’t really have anything to be miserable about and I just need grit my teeth and get on with it.

OP’s posts: |
Bee2418 Fri 17-Jul-20 02:42:24

I completely agree. I keep telling myself just stick with it another year, if you still feel miserable this time next year leave. But then the year rolls around and nothing has changed but I still can’t bring myself to leave because maybe I just need to give it one more year.
I probably haven’t tried as hard as I could, and I wonder if counselling would be good. But knowing my husband I feel he would treat the suggestion that we get outside help the same as he would treat the suggestion to get divorced. Sorry, I am finding problems here as opposed to thinking practically.

OP’s posts: |
minipie Fri 17-Jul-20 09:49:34

Just giving it another year isn’t going to magically make you start being happy. But also, leaving isn’t necessarily going to magically make you happy, since it may not be your DH that’s making you unhappy.

You need to work out why you are so unhappy, before you make any big decisions, especially as there are young DC involved.

Maybe it’s partly living abroad? Do you have friends/family there? Do you work? Do you do all the children/domestic stuff? Do you have any interests outside the family? Do you sleep enough? Get exercise? Just throwing out suggestions. Counselling on your own could help you work this out, even if your DH won’t join in (but you should try asking him).

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