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Dp and I agreed to separate- he is now feeling suicidal help?

(52 Posts)
Whitegrenache Tue 07-Jul-20 22:47:15

Dp and I agreed to separate about 5 weeks ago - made plans tilde dd 14 and ds11 and all the rest of the family.

He agreed to move out and rent somewhere

Recently he confided that he is feeling very anxious and depressed and is thinking about suicide
I spied on his iPad and his history showed "how to make a Will" and Samaritans.
He is crying and saying he is is worried about being lonely (this is not like him at all- I fact he often doesn't understand anxiety of depression and thinks people should snap out of it)

Since the separation we have got on really week and him and dd had spoken and wondered if I would stay with him and
He asked me on Sunday if I would consider it

I told him his feelings of depression are clouding his judgement and that the relationship is not right ( no sexual contact for over a year etc) and that if he was feeling well he would see we had made the right decision.

Anyway he is now feeling low again and I am scared he will do something to him self , but don't think that's a reason to stay with him either. I have told him not to rush into moving out and also to get some help from a friend or his GP.

Please anyone any advice?

I feel like I have the weight on my shoulders sad

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Namechanged67 Tue 07-Jul-20 23:32:31

Sorry you are going thro this. Break ups are horrible. Its great that you want to help but it's probably better to give him space, let him move out. Can you confide in one of his friends/relatives? Ask them to keep an eye on him. Please don't feel guilty. You both agreed this.

FortunesFave Wed 08-Jul-20 00:39:54

Can I ask....apart from no sexual contact for over a year, what are your other problems together?

Is he a reasonable person generally?

No sexual contact for a year is not that's certainly surmountable. Health and mental health can both play a part in a sudden loss of sexual interest.

Were you usually ok?

Fatted Wed 08-Jul-20 00:53:20

Do you genuinely believe that he has these feelings or do you think that he is doing it in an attempt to manipulate you into resuming the relationship?

If he chooses to do something, then it is his choice and you are not responsible for him or his behaviour. Please do not feel like it is your personal responsibility to fix him.

You can encourage himself to get help. Perhaps recommend speaking to his GP and advising that you will support him from that side of things. But make it clear the relationship is over.

If you do think the relationship can be fixed or that you can work on it, then you can do so. But please don't ever feel pressured into doing so because you're scared of what he might do.

canigooutyet Wed 08-Jul-20 01:01:33

Could this be a last ditch attempt to win you back? If it is, it's already working. You have told him there's no rush to move out.

Was he truly in agreement about the reasons for the split?

Lack of intimacy for a prolonged period can be soul destroying and a massive impact of the person who is feeling neglected in terms of their self esteem etc. When sex disappears so does all those other intimate moments we take for granted, the things the other person does to make us feel valued and respected.

PicaK Wed 08-Jul-20 09:37:17

I don't know if it helps to think if it like this, but if he was lying in front of you with a broken leg and saying if he could stay it would get better - what would you do?
Hopefully get straight on the phone for medical help. Call your GP as first step. Don't minimise it. You could also call child protection. If he's genuinely depressed you'll be getting him the help and support he needs. If he's manipulating you he'll see it's not working.
Absolutely do not feel guilted into maintaining the status quo. And I say this as someone who struggles with depression.

Whitegrenache Wed 08-Jul-20 12:05:20

He is absolutely not manipulative in any shape or form

I will make sure I ask him to seek help this evening when he is back from work

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canigooutyet Wed 08-Jul-20 12:21:28

Many people when their relationships end find their manipulative side.

He was feeling low at the start of the break up. Then you both started to get along, conversations were being had about you two getting back together and this would have perked him up. You two had the chat and you made it clear it's not happening and his mood dropped again.

How to make a will - that in itself is nothing strange and it's good to have a will. I'd be tempted to ask him how it was going.

So he googled Samaritans. From his searches he would have known seeing his gp is common advice. Has he done this already? Did he google anything else?

The next time he tells you that he is thinking about killing himself, take him to A&E and so the MH team assess him. That is all you can do for him. Everything else it's down to him.

And did I read correctly that he has been talking to your dd about the pair of you reconcilling?

Whitegrenache Wed 08-Jul-20 21:05:31

Holy fuck he told me tonight that he still intended to kill himself so I rang his mum and dad as I needed some one to help me - well he went mad a drove off in a fury and smashed the gate - all in front of the kids

They were hysterical

His mum and dad arrived and calmed us all down
He refused to come home whilst they were here so they have gone home

Fingers crossed he comes home as we are worried sick.

He must get some help as I can't continue to live on a knife edge

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Whitegrenache Wed 08-Jul-20 21:05:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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Whitegrenache Wed 08-Jul-20 21:05:54

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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Whitegrenache Wed 08-Jul-20 21:06:32


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NoAdventureNoTime Wed 08-Jul-20 21:16:53

Hi op I was given some advice from a helpline once when someone I knew told me a few times that they wanted to kill themselves.

The person can tell you they feel and talk about feeling suicidal, which can be within the boundaries of normal emotions but it's when they tip into creating a plan. Such as, for example telling you they bought pills to do the job or are going to hang themselves tonight, or they tell you they have already attempted it but it didn't work. That's when you should no longer be involved on your own you call police or other agencies. The person can be told you are doing this if you feel you want to tell them. But when they go over the edge from talking about it, to planning it, that's when you step back and involve outside agencies.

Whitegrenache Wed 08-Jul-20 21:30:50

Thanks - it was the eerie way hee was so calm when he told me tonight and that he knew how he was going to do it - but isn't give me the details

It's just so so much out of character which is why I am very worried

He is back home now so at least we know he is safe

I told the kids dd was sad and that's why he reacted the way he did

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canigooutyet Wed 08-Jul-20 21:45:17

Next time call emergency services and not his parents. They cannot do a thing. By involving outside agencies you are rightfully uninvolving yourself.

Ask him if he made an appointment today with the gp. I would be very surprised if he has.

FuckThisWind Wed 08-Jul-20 21:45:29

I had a boyfriend I was with for 18 months I'm my 20's. He rang me repeatedly at 2am threatening suicide after I ended our relationship. I got home one day to a suicide note saying "find me in the shed" He tried to hang himself, took pills etc. Ended up in hospital so many times. He went on (eventually) to meet someone else, have a child and is still alive 20 years later- albeit I've had a few dealings with him since. 20 years down the line and I've got his wife messaging me on facebook asking if I've seen him as he has gone missing and threatening suicide again.

My advice? He is not your problem. You need to live your life. Whatever you do or don't do won't make a pick of difference.
It worked for me. In the end I made a bargain with myself, if he kills himself, it is not my fault.

TorkTorkBam Wed 08-Jul-20 21:50:21

Next time don't call his parents. Call 999. You are not a psychiatrist, nor are they.

Tbh this smells a lot like manipulation, possibly subconscious, given how he reacted when you reached out for help. Is he normally moody? Are you normally careful not to set him off into, say, a sulk?

Whitegrenache Wed 08-Jul-20 21:51:27

He very much is my problem as he is the father to my 2 children and I still care very deeply for him albeit fallen out of love with him.

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TorkTorkBam Wed 08-Jul-20 21:53:53

It is not good to tell children suicide and aggression come from being sad. Sad is normal. Sad happens to us all. Sad happens to them. Sad happens to you. Sad is something children will take upon themselves to fix. Sad does not lead to violence and death. Mental health crises do.

You can tell them dad is having a mental health breakdown and you will be involving doctors next time if he does not go to the doctor himself.

Whitegrenache Wed 08-Jul-20 21:54:08

@TorkTorkBam no he is generally a nice caring man with no manipulative bone in his body

I genuinely don't think this is any attempt to manipulate me but him having a crisis in mental Health - I'm not sure 999 would help either - he was so calm
He needs to go see the GP which I will insist upon
I have left him to calm down and sleep

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canigooutyet Wed 08-Jul-20 21:54:45

There's even stuff to support that those calls etc are just cries for help and not really a desire to want to end things. Just many cry wolf once too many times and it ends in tragedy.

Suicide is devastating whether it's the cry for help way or the just go way. However it's not you that kills them if they are successful, this is down to them and the demons they are dealing with.

TorkTorkBam Wed 08-Jul-20 21:55:49

Why are you splitting up with a nice caring man with no manipulative bone in his body?

Whitegrenache Wed 08-Jul-20 21:57:30

Because I don't fancy him and we don't connect emotionally either

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canigooutyet Wed 08-Jul-20 21:58:30

Why don't you think 999 would help?
They deal with these situations all the time and he can be assessed by someone trained.

Whitegrenache Wed 08-Jul-20 21:58:41

People fall out of love all the time
Doesn't make someone a bad person

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