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Child maintenance

(18 Posts)
Brela Tue 07-Jul-20 10:01:21


I just wanted some advice on how to handle child maintenance.
My ex wants to pay lower than what the government advises. We did the calculation on CMS and he earns over £80k so it worked out at £500.
Originally he offered £300 then £400.
I am living in a house rent free as I am lucky that family had a place for me to stay.
His argument is that I don't pay rent. My family are saying why should they stump up the shortfall of what he doesn't want to pay.
Going through CMS will cost him an extra £100 in fees a month.
I don't want to argue or have him pay more than I receive but my family are really annoyed that he has decided what he thinks I need and not going by the CMS calculation.
I need to save for a car to drive our 10 month old e daughter to him every weekend and at the moment I borrow one.
Thanks for any advice

OP’s posts: |
TryAnotherNickname Tue 07-Jul-20 10:03:48

Go via CMS.

skeemee Tue 07-Jul-20 10:04:55

Go through CMS. Your DD is only a baby, so you are going to have this argument with him for the next 17 years! He won’t want to pay the correct amount will he?

emma8t4 Tue 07-Jul-20 10:05:34

Definitely go through cams to get what your daughter deserves and why are you doing all drop offs/pick up. Both my exh and DH do all pick ups/drop offs for their kids

BobbieDraper Tue 07-Jul-20 10:09:17

Go through CMS. Honestly, it is not worth the hassle of dealing with him any other way. Once they start showing some awkwardness around paying, it only ever gets worse. It doesnt get better.

Eventually, he will decide he needs something or wants to do something or will think that you just dont need that much and he will tell you he is reducing it again etc. Just dont even bother with him.

Call CMS, open a case and leave it to them.

It wont cost him anything in fees if he pays. You can have CMS do the checks and calculations, they will send out a payment schedule, and you can choose to use direct pay. Direct pay is where he pays you into your bank account by standing order. There is no fee for this.

If he fails to pay to correct amounts then you can call CMS again and have them move to collected and pay. Collect and pay is where they collected the money from him and then pass it on to you. You will receive 4% less than normal as a fee, but he will have to pay an extra 20%..
If that happens then it is his own fault.

But you need to call CMS and open a case today. They cannot backdate if you have a probate arrangement; they can only backdated and collect money from the time you call them and open a case.

BobbieDraper Tue 07-Jul-20 10:14:09

And stop doing all the drops off.

Split it. He picks her up to go to his and then you fo and collect her. Dont do it the other way around because he will just refuse to bring her home and you will end up doing both. Do not get into a pattern of doing everything.

He must pay the minimum amount. He must share in collecting.

It doesnt matter if you pay £0 or £3000 in rent. Your finances are not his business. There is a minimum set amount to ensure that the child has what they need.

You could save all that money for her uni, or a house deposit for her. You could spend it on extra clubs, tuition etc. Whatever she needs. Or you might actually need it for rent one day since you currently rely on family. It doesnt matter.

He earns a lot. He needs to pay the minimum. And remember, it is a minimum. A lot of parents pay above that to ensure their kid has a good lifestyle. He doeant even want to pay the minimum... keep reminding yourself of that. Dont feel sorry for him.

Call CMS today. They are open right now.

Runnerduck34 Tue 07-Jul-20 10:34:18

I'd be tempted to go via cms, your family are providing you with a home rent free now, ,so you are in a fortunate position , but circumstances change. he has a responsibility to his child, a lot hinges on how good your relationship is, if you know he was struggling and needed money for his rent and bills I would be a bit more understanding but tbh he sounds like he is trying it on

Rhubarb4Custard Tue 07-Jul-20 10:44:46

Tell him he can either save himself the extra £100 by agreeing to pay you the CMS amount now and in the future, or that you will go through CMS.

He has a high salary and should not be complaining about paying the minimum. Who cares if you live rent free right now. The CMS system is crap compared to some other countries and realistically (depending on which part of the country you live in) £500 is not going to cover food, clothing, activities for your child, school uniforms, childcare/wraparound care AND accommodation for your child.

Your circumstances have nothing to do with how the CMS system calculates maintenance, so if he wants to pay the minimum manadated by the CMS then he has to follow their rules which are that he pays according to his salary and that he pays their fees.

You have to be firm because he sounds like the type who will constantly be looking at your situation to justify paying less.

My ex-h earns nearly £100,000 but has seriously asked the judge here in the UK to pay £250/month in maintenance (he lives abroad so the CMS doesn’t have jusridiction in our case). He currently pays £1,000 decided on by the foreign court.

When we first split I didn’t insist on a reasonable amount of maintenance and he avoided paying anything for as long as possible, then when it was court ordered he stopped paying and I had to go back to court to get it taken out of his wages, then he started fraudulently claiming child benefit for our child abroad by forging my signature and I had to take him to criminal court.

I have had moments when I’ve had some sympathy and thought well yeah it must suck having to pay child maintenance, but then I remember that I am responsible for paying for EVERYTHING for my child and children are expensive. Keeping a roof over her head is my responsibility regardless of my income, if I lose my job etc. so it’s fair for the other parent to contribute a reasonable amount

ArnoldBee Tue 07-Jul-20 11:12:33

Things to consider:
1) there is a payments cap so you might end up getting less
2) he may be a pain to deal with for the next 17 years
3) you may be able to negotiate this together and become better co parents.

EmbarrassedUser Tue 07-Jul-20 11:18:51

NRP’s (usually men) like this drive me mad. No more to add apart from go to the CMS and do it RIGHT NOW!!! 😆😆 My Ed won’t pay and it sucks. It’s not fair and it’s infuriating, make sure he coughs up was your daughter is owed.

Lostmyshityear9 Tue 07-Jul-20 12:23:28

How does he know you are living rent free? It took me quite a while to learn this lesson but you really do have to keep your stuff personal to you and not tell him anything because they will use the tiniest thing as a stick to beat you with. Your circumstances are none of his business - even if you were a millionaire a million times over and really didn't need this money at all, it would not negate his responsibilities towards his children. That's the bottom line. He pays the legal minimum or you got to the CMS. Don't accept anything less.

Shmithecat2 Tue 07-Jul-20 14:10:43

What pp said - your finances and outgoings have absolutely nothing to do with what child maintenance is due. Proceed with your claim through CMS - maybe give him the choice of being a grown up and paying you direct or being a twat and giving away money for the CMS to deal with it for him.

Brela Tue 07-Jul-20 14:42:17

Thank you for your replies everyone.
He really has made me feel guilty for asking for the minimum.
He just wrote me a long message saying that it's not his responsibility to help me pay off my debts, or to save for a car...nobody helps him and he doesn't have a sister to rely on or any help. He's then agreed to giving me £475 (£15 short of what CMS have suggested) and said that I am not to ask him for any money aside from that and that how he is going to have to sacrifice things to be able to afford it.
I haven't even answered him.

I think he is angry that I am not working, looking after our baby and he has to give me

I have worked my entire life and I quit a job that paid £7k a month ( I know crazy) to be with him. Unfortunately this job was on yachts so I can't just go back to that!
So it's not like I was a gold digger I earned more money than him but I quit my previous life in the hope to start a family and live happily ever after with him. I didn't plan this.

Anyway I'm glad I have my baby even though I am in debt now. I got in debt because during our relationship since I was 7 months pregnant and when I had our baby I wasn't working so I started using credit cards as he never gave me any money.
His friends all call him tight too.

Anyway thanks so much for all your advice it's made me feel like I'm not such a ad person for asking what the CMS have calculated.
Thank you x

OP’s posts: |
BobbieDraper Tue 07-Jul-20 14:51:01

You have to remember that you're are split up now but that child is not just your responsibility.

He has to pay, and he doesnt get to choose the amount.

It has nothing to do with your working or not. Even if you did go back to earning 7k a month, it wouldn't make his payment any less.

What he has to pay towards his kid has nothing to do with what you earn or dont earn.

It's actually really disgusting that he made you get into debt because he wouldn't support his family. Were you married? Did you get or are your lawyers making sure you get something from the divorce to pay off the debts?
What he did was financial abuse. It is a crime. If you were married, then your lawyer should be sorting that out.

Brela Tue 07-Jul-20 15:05:57

We actually weren't married but that's one of the reasons I left him.
I met him on an app and I've been told since that I was "love bombed"
He gave me all these promises of an amazing life together to the point were I quit my job after knowing him 1 month. Got pregnant two months later and moved in straight away. God I was so stupid! But at least I have my beautiful daughter from it.
We had to get solicitors as when I left he wanted 50/50 but wanted to put our baby in nursery. Thank god that's resolved.
Thank you for your help xxx

OP’s posts: |
waterSpider Tue 07-Jul-20 21:05:36

If you didn't claim Child Benefit before, because of his earnings, remember to do that now.

Lockdownseperation Tue 07-Jul-20 21:08:25

And so he should sacrifice things to pay for his child’s living costs. It’s what parents do.

RandomMess Tue 07-Jul-20 21:25:59

I would stand firm and say that he needs to pay the CMS minimum because that is the legal minimum and of course you won't be asking for more than that. He is going to try and dick you around so tbh I would ring them tomorrow and open a case...

If he pays up and on time then you don't need to persue it.

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