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2nd day seperated and feel totally shit

(18 Posts)
Billibob84 Sat 04-Jul-20 21:44:55

My husband moved out yesterday, we seperated a year ago but have been stuck in the same house while everything sorted and because of lockdown. I've been waiting for this for so long but I feel totally crap. Kids have been exhausting, really badly behaved. Realisation has hit me that this is going to be tough and I already feel really lonely. I thought id feel a big cloud lifting but instead I'm doubting I can do this. Hoping it gets better? xx

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Mummymacd Sat 04-Jul-20 22:20:26

Hi. I can’t offer any advice as my husband hasn’t moved out yet. But I just wanted to say you are not alone. This board seem really supportive.

Saying that, I am dreading when hubby goes. Always here to chat x

Billibob84 Sat 04-Jul-20 22:35:04

thank you, what's your situation? I'm sure im just having a bad day and it goes a lot better for some! xx

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Mummymacd Sun 05-Jul-20 08:35:10

Hubby decided he doesn’t want to work at our marriage. That was in April. We’ve been stuck together in the house due to lockdown. We have now found him a house and he moves out August 2nd. None of this is my choice and I’m devastated. We should be celebrating our 20th wedding anniversary in 10 days........

He works away a lot so the general day to day with the kids is down to me anyway so no change there. It’s not having someone to confide in and stuff that I’m going to miss.

And at the ripe old age of almost forty, I have got to start all over again.

Hope you are feeling a bit better today x

LuckyLinda3 Sun 05-Jul-20 15:16:27

Hi, advice please. Im 44, over 20 yrs married with 2 great kids 19 and 14. My husband left in January but has left and returned before. He talks about moving on but the in the next breath will ask for a hug or say just say the words and I'll be back. We parted in Jan because he wasnt playing an active role in our relationship and was just seeing to his own needs. I love him but dont think he can ever be the type of partner I need right now. He has mental health issues and I think I may have made too many allowances. I would love this to work but dont think he has the capacity to put in the effort on his part.

IWillNotNameTheTree Sun 05-Jul-20 19:40:45

Second day separated here.

Kids are heartbroken, I feel nothing but relief but their pain is killing me and I wonder if I just should have stayed with STBXH because of them.

AIMD Sun 05-Jul-20 19:45:55

I’m not separated so can’t offer specific advice. Just wanted to say sorry your are having a tough time. I imagine it must feel odd/difficult/Lonely for most people leaving long term relationships. I guess it probably an unfortunate part of the process though but hopefully a temporary dip before things start feeling better.

Find ways to look after yourself and the kids while this period passes. I bet before long you will settle into a new normal and things will calm.

It must be hard going through it during the pandemic too.

Billibob84 Sun 05-Jul-20 21:13:43

Mummymacd sounds really tough, are u on speaking terms with him still? i guess if u can try to work together for the kids u can still confide in him re them, I know its not the same though. i guess we just have to hope time is a good healer. im 40 too so.its very daunting but I'm not even thinking about letting anyone else, think I'll just stay single for ever more!

LuckyLinda3 sounds like you have made your decision and he is just messing with your head. It doesn't sound like anything would change so I would stick to your guns and not take him back.

IWillNotNameTheTree I know what u mean, its mainly my kids that are making me so sad. everyone says it will damage the kids if you stay in a bad relationship but sometimes I think how can this alternative of a split home be any better!? how old are your kids

AIMD thank you, yes I think it is one of thise things that will take time and hopefully we can settle into a new routine soon xx

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jigglypuffcookie Mon 06-Jul-20 00:30:47

Hi Billibob,

How have you been doing?
I've no advice as my husband hasn't moved out yet but will be soon. Emotions have been so up and down but I can imagine when the day comes and I'm alone it's going to be hard.
Was everything amicable?

IWillNotNameTheTree Mon 06-Jul-20 18:24:27

Mine are 5 and 10, how old are yours?

Billibob84 Mon 06-Jul-20 22:01:56

jigglypuffcookiebim doing better thanks, just trying not to beat myself up anout things and take a day at a time. No not amicable at all which has made it harder. It was my choice but he was unbearable to live with, hes made me feel very guilty and won't speak to me. What's your situation, have u a date for him moving out?

IWillNotNameTheTree 2&5 xx

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jigglypuffcookie Mon 06-Jul-20 23:37:32

More his choice then mine. He said about 9 months ago he wasn't happy and we've been trying to work in it. Well I have anyway. It came to a head during lockdown as he wasn't being very nice and just seemed to hate me. So we've separated but been stuck living together and the kids don't know yet.
It's mostly amicable just now and he's actually being a lot nicer since it ended. He's viewed a place and emailed about renting it so hopefully he'll move out soon. Think it will be good to get out of this limbo.

Hopefully when things settle things will be more amicable between you both. You have nothing to feel guilty about as it isn't good for you or the kids to live in an unbearable atmosphere. Doesn't make it easier though. Do you have support nearby?

Billibob84 Tue 07-Jul-20 21:38:27

jigglypuffcookie yes I think limbo is the worst. I hope it sorts soon for you. Im glad you are getting on a bit better. It massively sucks that all this happened in lockdown doesn't it. Yes i have support so I know ill get through. I wish you all lots of luck and here if anyone needs a chat xx

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Raver84 Wed 08-Jul-20 07:22:50

I wish one of us could move out. We just don't have the money right now as we are finishing a house extension. Once this is done the house will be valued and sold. Having to live together right now is awful. We don't speak unless it's about the kids. I feel lonely but unable to make any steps to move on. I cannot wait until we live apart as nothing can be worse that this. How did you all cope with living together once you are no longer together?

jigglypuffcookie Thu 09-Jul-20 23:25:18

I've been taking time to myself, sometimes I go for a drive and cry or a bath. Taking one day at a time at the moment and guess I'll have to then get over separating when he does leave. Can you take time to yourself raver? X

Mummymacd Fri 10-Jul-20 07:05:14

It’s awful because we have to grieve twice, once when the initial decision is made and then again when they leave...... hopefully we will all get through it ok xx

LuckyLinda3 Fri 10-Jul-20 09:29:03

So true Mummymacd and I have been there before and taken him back only to go through it again. I don't know why I do this to myself, I know he is a good man and I know he has mental health issues but why am I not prioritising my own happiness. Big hugs to all.

Billibob84 Sat 11-Jul-20 14:50:11

Raver84 I think we did it for so long it just became the norm. It helped we had a spare bedroom and somewhere else for one of us to watch tv so we just lived completely separate. Now that lockdown is easing maybe you can get out a bit more? Afree take time out to do something u like, even going out for a run/walk can help. You will get through it and it will end just keep focusing on the bigger picture.

Mummymacd That's very true and maybe why it hit me hard. I guess time is best healer and we won't feel OK overnight. Big hugs to everyone, your doing amazing xx

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