Feeling low

[Mummymacd]

Evening all. As I posted before hubby decided he doesn’t want to work on our marriage and will be moving out when he finds somewhere to go. I’ve known this for two months. We are still looking for a rental property for him.

I thought things would start to get easier but I am still just as sad as when he first told me. We were due to celebrate our twentieth wedding anniversary on 15th July and I just feel so very sad and really lonely. I’m sat at home in the lounge and my wedding photo is on the windowsill and every time I look at it it just reminds me of what I am losing. But I don’t want to put it away as I still love him.

When does it start getting easier??

[MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig]

God I’m sorry, I don’t know the answer but I didn’t want to read and run.

What happened?

[Mummymacd]

I think over the years we’ve lost our way. Been that busy raising our dc ages 17,16 and 11. Not spent enough time together as he chose to take jobs that meant working away.
But I wanted to use the time in lockdown to work on the marriage and he didn’t.
X

[MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig]

Are things amicable? Is he as sad about it as you are?

[unicornsarereal72]

I'm sorry you are feeling so down. It is to be expected after you have been together for so long. But emotionally he is further along than you. And with him still being in the family home nothing much has changed so you are in limbo.

If he is going he needs to go now. You need to catch up emotionally. And get things in place. What's the plan for the family home. Child support and contact. Don't let him walk all over you over these things. Get legal advice. Get support from other people. And seek out counselling for you to get this right in your head.

Ex left me 3 years ago now. After 14 years together. It took me a few years to be ok and only this year I feel meh about him.

Be kind to yourself it is a roller coaster of emotions. You need to grieve and he needs to be gone so you can start to heal

[Mummymacd]

Things are amicable mostly but he has started snapping at me the last couple of weeks....... but I think we will keep it amicable at least for now.

[Mummymacd]

@unicornsarereal72

I'm sorry you are feeling so down. It is to be expected after you have been together for so long. But emotionally he is further along than you. And with him still being in the family home nothing much has changed so you are in limbo.

If he is going he needs to go now. You need to catch up emotionally. And get things in place. What's the plan for the family home. Child support and contact. Don't let him walk all over you over these things. Get legal advice. Get support from other people. And seek out counselling for you to get this right in your head.

Ex left me 3 years ago now. After 14 years together. It took me a few years to be ok and only this year I feel meh about him.

Be kind to yourself it is a roller coaster of emotions. You need to grieve and he needs to be gone so you can start to heal

The house we live in is rented so I will continue to live here as the kids are settled and I have spent time making it nice. He (well more me) is looking for a rental somewhere local. We haven’t completely discussed the childcare arrangements. I have mentioned every other weekend and then if he is ever at home during the week they can go and visit. And of course if I have nothing planned on the weekends I have then they can go visit him if he’s home. They are old enough to do that. Haven’t discussed how much he will pay over for the kids but he’s said he will send as much as possible for them. He’s going to take the debt we have in our overdraft and pay that off.

I’ll be on universal credit as I lost my job when corona hit. So it’s all a guessing game at the moment.

I’m glad to hear you are getting there. After spending practically my entire adult life with him, it’s going to be a massive change (I’ll be 40 in a couple of weeks)

Thanks for replying xx

[unicornsarereal72]

@Mummymacd

It's good you know you have a stable base.

Check the CMS site for calculation. Don't be soft on this. As UC aren't generous. The child support is for me the money that buys things like shoes etc. My wages and benefits cover the bills. (Although sadly I've not seen a penny from ex in 2 years. I have supportive family though)

It is a big adjustment at the start. I was lucky I made few new friends who were single parents. So we could met up with the kids and without the kids and also we were a sounding board to each other.

I cut ex off. He wanted to leave that's ok. He was no longer part of my support network ( I have recently been told this hurt him a lot). He had OW he swiftly moved in with. So quickly went to EOW contact his work meant he couldn't do week days. And I needed to build and plan a new way of life for me.

Counselling helped. I had to talk it out. Because it made no sense to me.

Build your own network of people. As difficult as it is you need to stop the 'wife work'. He needs to know how this looks going forward.

My ex turned up in the middle of the night just before lock down. A mess. Funny enough the grass wasn't greener it was just different grass karma.

You will piece yourself back together and are still plenty young enough to plan what life is going to look like for you and the children. Stay strong.

I would ask him to leave. Especially if he is making no effort to find his own place. Rents are moving now and he could have this in place if he was motivated to do so. Not doing this is cruel and doing you a disservice. It speaks volumes of where he is at.

[MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig]

How are things today?

[Mummymacd]

Well we think we have found him somewhere to move to. So hopefully he will be out by the beginning of August. Then I need to start working on myself. So I’m making a list. I have a lot of weight to lose.

I’m applying for jobs when I see them, so trying to keep myself busy. It helps for a bit.

Thanks for asking xxx

[MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig]

Wish I could help.

I sympathise with the weight loss. I joined slimming world last year. Only cos my friend wanted someone to go with. I lost a stone. Over Christmas and then lockdown I’ve put it all back on again. Fuckssake.