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How will I cope without the children?

(46 Posts)
MissMightyMouse Sun 28-Jun-20 12:58:09

DH and I are splitting up. It’s all very amicable. He’s looking for a new property and we suspect he will move out in early September. The divorce petition has been filed.

He will have the children (nearly 5 and 7) EOW from Friday afternoon to Sunday early evening. He’ll also have them every other Thursday afternoon after school. I know it must be a million times worse for him as he’s only having them less than 3 days a fortnight. However, I feel sick at the thought of it.

My plans to cope include:
1. Working overtime on some of those weekends
2. Revising for my professional exams
3. Cleaning
4. Decorating

I have plenty of friends but they either have their own children and families or 1 is single but she’s angry, bitter and scornful of me for getting divorced. I have a couple of older relatives that I could spend time with but I don’t want that to be a regular, expected thing.

So how do you cope without your children? DH pointed out that I’ll have a regular, guaranteed lie in and I almost threw up. I want to be a full time Mum sad

Words of wisdom are appreciated. Thanks.

OP’s posts: |
TheFormerPorpentinaScamander Sun 28-Jun-20 13:04:47

Long hot baths
Cooking things you love that DC don't eat/treat yourself to a takeaway/eat nothing but cake
Stay in bed with a good book.

Honestly you'll soon get used to it!

GuiltyBark Sun 28-Jun-20 13:06:03

You'll enjoy the break. Parenting on your own for the majority of time is bloody hard work! It'll be fine xxx

MissMightyMouse Sun 28-Jun-20 13:06:29

I do love a long hot bath.

And I love going to the cinema on my own!

OP’s posts: |
Sunnydayshereatlast Sun 28-Jun-20 13:07:07

When I spilt with exh I bought a dpuppy!!
Kept me very busy..

Viragoesque Sun 28-Jun-20 13:08:00

Honestly, OP, you will need the break -- solo parenting is tiring. Don't panic.

MissMightyMouse Sun 28-Jun-20 13:08:36

We have an older dog but I think he will follow the children as he’s very much adored by them.

OP’s posts: |
MissMightyMouse Sun 28-Jun-20 13:09:45

DH didn’t really do that much at home so I’m not expecting for it to feel hugely different.

OP’s posts: |
Doidontimmm Sun 28-Jun-20 13:09:49

I must be a terrible mum but I love it!!! Peace, space and time to recharge. It’s amazing.

Why is he having them so little though? Going 2 weeks almost at a time not seeing them do no responsibilities during term time for sickness/holiday cover. That’s hard on the kids.

MissMightyMouse Sun 28-Jun-20 13:10:39

He does bedtime about once a month. I do all the cooking.

OP’s posts: |
My0My Sun 28-Jun-20 13:12:07

Make a list of everything you need to do but never got around to doing in the house and garden - do the list.

Make a list of where you might like to visit in the car. Drive around. Go for walks. Do non child centred things. Read books you always wanted to. Yes to the revision. Cook for the freezer - this makes more time when you do have gthe children.

My DDs went to boarding school at 11. It is not that difficult to find hobbies that are not child centred. I was a full time mum before that. Take it as an opportunity to be more fulfilled as a rounded person instead of being defined, and defining yourself, as a mum first and foremost. Grasp the possibilities.

Branleuse Sun 28-Jun-20 13:12:17

itll be weird at first but I think it wont take that long before you start really appreciating the break

MissMightyMouse Sun 28-Jun-20 13:12:21

He’s seeing them every other Thursday evening as well. So approximately every week. And a week in the summer, half of the rest of the holidays.

He works long hours so can’t take days off in the week.

OP’s posts: |
MissMightyMouse Sun 28-Jun-20 13:13:16

Like this...

M
T
W
T X
F
S
S
M
T
W
T
F X
S X
S X

OP’s posts: |
My0My Sun 28-Jun-20 13:13:28

Once every two weeks is fine. Lots of parentrs do that and 50/50 is not as common as people say it is. The DC will be fine with once a fortnight.

user12699422578 Sun 28-Jun-20 13:15:04

Change is always difficult, the brain resists; we grieve for what we had before and what we expected to have in the future. It's rubbish but temporary and survivable. The emotions that are difficult now will shift and fade away (as long as you don't try to completely suppress them as that tends to keep them locked in place instead).

So don't look at it as something that is always going to feel this difficult, but just something where you need plans to manage the adjustment period and any odd difficult patches in future.

I have plenty of friends but they either have their own children and families or 1 is single but she’s angry, bitter and scornful of me for getting divorced

Maybe some activities that allow you to meet and spend time with people with more in common with your life experiences wouldn't be a bad thing. Not to say you should ditch your existing friends (except possibly the one who doesn't behave like a friend) but that there will be space for new people in your life.

This doesn't have to be some terrible gaping void, but a space that can be used to enrich your life.

midnightstar66 Sun 28-Jun-20 13:15:21

Dc only started to go to their DD's last year over night. They are 7 and 10 now and it took a while bit I really enjoy it now. This weekend apart from walking the puppy I've pretty much lounged. I've ordered a takeaway, binge watched 2 series and drank some wine. I go to bed at the same time as dc usually so it gives me an opportunity to watch things that aren't appropriate to have on with them around. Also at some point you're going to want to date again so this gives you a good amount of time without having to arrange sitters and allows for staying over. You might not be able to imagine this now but the time will come.

midnightstar66 Sun 28-Jun-20 13:17:14

*df's not DD's

Doidontimmm Sun 28-Jun-20 13:17:33

Ah ok I thought you meant the thurs is every other week too.

Nighttimefreedom Sun 28-Jun-20 13:17:40

It is hard at first. We do 50:50 and I still miss them when they're not here.
I do the things you say, right now I'm doing an assignment for a qualification I never would have had time for otherwise.
Although obviously I'm messing about on here instead!

I do things like go for walks, watch box sets but I prefer to be busy otherwise I feel like I'm filling time until I see them again.

A good work friend is the same position as me and she loves her child free time. We're all different.

MissMightyMouse Sun 28-Jun-20 13:17:46

Make a list of everything you need to do but never got around to doing in the house and garden - do the list.
Yes I will definitely do this. That will probably fill the first year or two!

Make a list of where you might like to visit in the car. Drive around. Go for walks. Do non child centred things. Read books you always wanted to. Yes to the revision.
I don’t drive but I totally get your point.

Cook for the freezer - this makes more time when you do have gthe children.
Yes, good plan. I will minimise the chore time spent with them if I do all the other things in the week.

My DDs went to boarding school at 11. It is not that difficult to find hobbies that are not child centred. I was a full time mum before that. Take it as an opportunity to be more fulfilled as a rounded person instead of being defined, and defining yourself, as a mum first and foremost. Grasp the possibilities.
I do feel very well rounded already. I have an amazing career but maybe I need to focus more on my reading, craft, etc.

OP’s posts: |
My0My Sun 28-Jun-20 13:20:47

Well done to feeling well rounded. I didn't! I was mum and only a mum. I had professional qualifications but didn't work. I had to reinvent myself! Its a case of finding out what you really like and doing a bit more of it and rfeassing what you can do. You will be absolutely fine!

notheragain4 Sun 28-Jun-20 13:21:39

I think your frame of mind is vital here. If you see it as something "to get through" you're already setting yourself up for difficulty. Reframe it as healthy break, as you say it's only 3 days a fortnight, by all means plan your time, but think of the plans as things to look forward to rather than distractions.

canigooutyet Sun 28-Jun-20 13:27:53

You will adapt and come to love it. I don't get many nights away now, but omg when I do I enjoy it even when all I've done is spent the time in bed sleeping and binge watching. I've booked a hotel soon so I can have a night to myself.

My advice, for the first week or so don't make any plans. What I found was once I'd settled with the idea going at my own leisure, and those long lazy days became very enjoyable well before I started getting pleasure from external factors.

I could walk around naked, didn't have to close the bathroom door when having a soak, could have one anytime of the day. Eat stuff I normally don't, had a glass too much, watched 18's in the day.

Also got myself on some sites to have some adult fun before I started going out with mates, museums, fun parks, cinemas etc without the children. Inset days are great just check theme parks for local holidays, and it's when those times days are swapped come in very useful!!

Zeroenergy Sun 28-Jun-20 13:28:26

I can’t believe you posted this today - I was about to post something so similar this morning. My DD is 15 months and goes to her dads EOW and I can’t lie I do struggle. I feel so lost without her but luckily I’ve started working weekends which takes my mind off it. It’s just I wake in the mornings and feel sick from missing her so much. I think the only thing to do I guess is use the time to throw yourself in to things you otherwise can’t do! It’s hard but i think it’ll get easier with time and it’s good you’re amicable with your ex!

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