I've been married for nearly 20 yrs to an older man and we separated a month ago. He has some mental health issues that have been increasingly difficult to live with. He has no family or friends. No interests really. He makes hateful comments all the time about neighbours, my family, people on the telly and is such a joy drain that I decided that I couldn't bear to live the rest of my life like this and so during lockdown I initiated our separation. He's moved out and I'm in our house.
When we bought this I had £100K from the sale of my house. He had some savings that he convinced me he'd 'keep for a rainy day'. I paid all the bills and mortgage ( I was working, he's been retired for ages) and we are now mortgage free. He still has the money he came into the marriage with and probably a bit more. So in effect he's lived rent and bills free for 20 years.
At the minute our financial agreement says I pay him a lump sum and he gets the other half if I ever sell (obviously I'm not going to do that). He hasn't signed yet though and I'm holding my breath to see if he changes his mind. I'm bitter that I'm considerably worse off after the marriage and he's considerably better off but I recognise that its the law so I'm trying to be zen about it.
I know this is the right thing to do. He was truly horrible and emotionally abusive for the last few years and I know my future peaceful life where I can be sociable and see my friends and family without any fall out will be worth the money I'm losing.
This is my problem. I am too bloody empathetic. I feel very sorry for him (yes even with his stash of cash). He's got absolutely no-one in his life and is sad and miserable. I don't hate him, it would be easier if I did. I feel very sad for him. He feels 'abandoned' and I know he's playing with my feelings again but how can I stop myself feeling so much sympathy for him and focus on my future?
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Divorce/separation
How can I stop feeling sorry for my soon to be ex husband?
takeabrolly · 28/06/2020 09:46
HangerLaneGyratorySystem · 28/04/2023 09:43
@MumLass me too. Just wanted to say that so you weren’t left sitting alone on this thread - which although nearly 3 years old and short is definitely worth taking and advice from. I never expected to feel so bad.
Jas683 · 28/04/2023 11:32
Hi..
I think this is all part of the process unfortunately. I chose to leave and it was not received well but the bigger picture of one's own sanity must be considered. How long do we consider someone else over our own happiness.
I think and hope in time you will both become more comfortable with your decisions.
All the best.
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