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When does it stop hurting so much

(17 Posts)
user1497873278 Thu 25-Jun-20 07:08:47

I have filed for divorce, we have been together over 30years my first boyfriend. It has always been a life that consisted of good and bad days when he’s nice life is good but when he’s not it spoils everything, he’s always been very shouty but I suppose over the years the good bits outward the bad. I have no family for support and I think if I had I would have left years ago. I have our children who are all adults and even though they are supporting me, it’s not the same. I have never had parents there for me all my life and I know that being alone terrifies me as I felt totally alone as a child. I still love him, but also hate him for how he has treated me, how do you stop those feelings as I know they are not helping me. He has had an affair, always put me down used having no family against me saying no one loves you, controlled money, always wants to know who I’m speaking to what I’m saying I have walked on eggshells constantly but it’s like I don’t know how to be me, I know he will move on quickly why does my heart ache and why do I only keep holding on to the good bits

OP’s posts: |
SoTiredTonight Thu 25-Jun-20 19:36:00

I am so sorry no one has replied to you OP, your post made me so sad. There is an amazing group of ladies who I would really encourage you to introduce yourself to - you’ll get nothing but support on that thread, they are true gems!
Here’s the link and although I have been quiet in it for weeks, I’ll hopefully see you over there! You never have to face this alone! xxx
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3917881-Some-Friendly-Words-Support-Group-Part-4

sobersides Fri 26-Jun-20 13:08:27

It hurts because you have shared 30 years of your life together. Don't expect to wake up one morning and it not hurt. It will lessen over time and the further down the line you get the more you will look at your relationship honestly.
I have now got two cheating husbands under my belt and only divorced the last one last month. It's been a hellish year and I still cry. But, using my experience of divorce #1 (where I barely think about EXH#1 these days and even then I'm pretty meh!) I know that it will be the same this time too.
One distraction technique I try to use is when I start to look back sentimentally... I force myself to plan forwards and imagine what my life could like in 6 months time; how I'm going to decorate the house, where I'm going on holiday etc... I also have two lists in the notepad on my phone where I list EXH good and bad points. I can tell you the bad far outweighs the good but it wasn't always weighted that way and some of the things I write makes me smile eg. Don't have to pick up his false teeth after he's come in drunk and left them on the lounge floor grin
Take care and be kind to yourself flowers

hustler2020 Sat 27-Jun-20 10:18:30

i can only speak for myself but part of the problem is self worth if you weren't given it as a child then patterns emerge through out your life where you accept what your given even though you know its wrong

there is also the fear of being alone but yet im in a relationship & i still feel alone

i have relied on men my whole life to give me my self worth and its time i start giving it to myself ( not easy battling the negatives in your head) which
is something i feel you need to as well

maybe we can support each other through this journey smile

user1497873278 Sat 27-Jun-20 10:56:33

Hustler2020 that is exactly how I feel, the reason mainly for having the courage to start the divorce was being ignored while suffering for months, first time I have ever asked for his help and support in all these years, like you I feel lonely even though he is here and very unloved, it’s breaking my heart doing this, I am not strong but I know I must, I’m here if you want to say more about how things are for you, we can support each other, so many of us it seems which is so sad

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user1497873278 Sat 27-Jun-20 11:50:29

Sobersides thank you i think it’s the lose of what I wanted it to be, that’s the hard part, having to face reality, it’s good to hear you have come out the other side I just can’t imagine feeling happy again, he is the only form of happy I have ever known

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hustler2020 Sat 27-Jun-20 16:27:07

thanks for your response & offer of support much appreciated

i forgot to mention that i too was married for 13 years only to find out he had been cheating throughout . it was really hard to walk away took me a couple of years but i did it and i know you can too

you (& i for that matter) need to be our own happy

you say you're not strong but just posting & asking for help takes strength . your journey will start with a single step you just got to take it 🙏

user1497873278 Mon 29-Jun-20 09:20:08

hustler20 thanks I’m trying to stay strong, hope you had a good weekend, it’s so hard when you are hurting and they seem fine I just don’t think that a lot of them know what real love is

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okiedokieme Mon 29-Jun-20 09:36:03

Hugs. It's hard after so long (27 years for me) to make the leap but everything will be ok. I'm over a year down the line, met someone new and kicking myself I didn't do it sooner. Like you I settled for a relationship that was ok, have kids stability etc but only now have I realised what it is to be in a relationship that's brilliant.

user1497873278 Mon 29-Jun-20 10:49:47

That’s brilliant okiedokieme, so good to hear that you have someone that you deserve

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hustler2020 Wed 01-Jul-20 08:34:28

hi op

things are good on my side how are things going for you ?

you said you filed for divorce does he know & are you still in marital home ?💐

user1497873278 Wed 01-Jul-20 09:34:31

Yes he does know, he has had the first letter, I found it really hard to start the process, we are still living together it’s not very nice, I am really struggling I just want him to turn around and realise what he’s throwing away, he takes no responsibility for how he is he thinks he’s the perfect husband, it makes it all so difficult because I know I will never get a sorry from him or any form of recognition for his behaviour. My children have offered to sit and try,they have tried before but we know it’s pointless he would see it as ganging up on him. I just can’t live this way any longer. How are you doing and what is your next step. The whole finding a solicitor and the process was scary so a friend helped me, it’s not easy. Hope your ok I’m here if you want to rant, I need to often

OP’s posts: |
hustler2020 Wed 01-Jul-20 10:10:08

morning

thank you for your message appreciated

don't waste your time waiting for him to acknowledge anything otherwise it still attaches you to him and has power over your moods/feelings

i did the same but it was only when i stopped caring about what he thought/ felt that i started to move on and guess what when he saw that he started to care by which time i didn’t lol

go out for a coffee walk talk shop just try and be out of the house doing things for you

you're right about not involving the kids i used them as i felt thats all i had to get back at him - my biggest regret

( dont mean to preach)

user1497873278 Wed 01-Jul-20 11:43:54

Yes you are so right they have got involved before, it made no difference and I don’t want that this time. I’m trying to detach myself emotionally, I really do need some help as this has always been my problem, I hold on to the good bits, looking at some books to help me and I think counselling is what I need. Trying to stay busy. That sounds about right they always come running when they realise your over them. Luckily I’m managing to put on a front so he doesn’t know that I’m a wreck inside, I will not give him the satisfaction of seeing how much I’m hurting, no way, I have at least regained some pride. Hope your day is good

OP’s posts: |
hustler2020 Thu 02-Jul-20 11:18:22

hey

how are you today ?

user1497873278 Thu 02-Jul-20 12:43:18

I’m ok thinking about finances is really tough,seems that no matter what way it’s split I have paid a heavy price being mostly sahm, even though it was my idea to start our business and I set it up he has taken all the glory and know in our area has a thriving business that he’s known for, even though I have done all the hard work behind the scenes and kids etc, it’s just upsetting when I know I have sacrificed everything for myself to support him to get to where he is know, I feel like a fool. Hope you are ok, I cannot wait to be further down the road, and to make things worse a couple of friends even though they totally get why I’m divorcing him, have pointed out how I’m going to lose my lifestyle 😲do they seriously not think that I don’t get that urrr could scream some days

OP’s posts: |
hustler2020 Thu 02-Jul-20 14:09:31

i know exactly what you mean !!
no truer word than behind every successful man stands a good woman ( something like that lol) and anger is part of this process so let it go through you but not in you

as fot your friends - its natural that people will give you their opinion and not necessarily ones you want to hear ( i too experienced that) but they not living your life so put your blinkers on your earplugs in & just keep moving forward you dont need anyones approval but your own😯

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