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Dealing with the loss of all I ever worked for

(23 Posts)
bipra21 Mon 15-Jun-20 20:12:12

My DH and I nearly completed out divorce proceedings.
Without going in to great detail I was in a marriage that was a lie for 25 years as he was gay and lied to me. He came to me with nothing I had already had 3 houses. He is 10 years younger. I was abused so I was co--erced into signing a legal agreement (and yes I have taken lots of legal advice but cannot win this case)
Anyhow, basically we went 50/50 but this included my inheritance but should not have so I have lost all I worked for, I also agreed not to touch his pension. How can I stop being bitter and move on?

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frozendaisy Tue 16-Jun-20 11:33:31

Either get a kick ass solicitor to redeem some of what you are owed in regardless to your inheritance or his pension or both.

Or walk away, start afresh and be thankful you no longer have him in your life. Don't reallly see what other choices you have really.

bipra21 Tue 16-Jun-20 14:41:01

Gotta be option 2 I've tried the first twice now.... It's just trying to deal with the bitterness because he thinks he's entitled to it and will never think he owes me anything.
What hurts most of he'll be retired 10 years before me When he's 55 and I'll have to work until I'm 67. He's just a b*****d!

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CrypticQueen Tue 16-Jun-20 14:49:43

Perhaps you could see a financial advisor for a cash flow analysis which shows what assets you have now (presumably not insignificant if you had three houses 25 years ago, and have accumulated more assets since), what you can save between now and when you want to retire, and then how you’d draw that down/your retirement income. Hopefully you’d find out that you’re better off than it seems which might help you move forwards with optimism. Good luck.

catspyjamas123 Tue 16-Jun-20 18:37:25

The law sucks, doesn’t it? You can’t fight it because the costs are too high and the courts are fixated on giving your assets to this parasite in the name of “equality”. Women who work hard are particularly badly treated. You have my sympathy. At least you are no long subsidising him. That is the only consolation.

catspyjamas123 Tue 16-Jun-20 18:37:38

No longer!

bipra21 Tue 16-Jun-20 19:04:46

Yes I'm not subsidising him.
The three properties were all one after another sale but the meant I half owned it when I married him how we laughed when he deposited three pounds into our joint account, mind you he did bring a portable TV!!
I can't risk losing any more cash on legal fees it's sickening

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catspyjamas123 Tue 16-Jun-20 19:10:58

I was in a similar situation. He got 55% of the total assets - I had earned 70%. I am the one housing, feeding and clothing the kids. It’s utterly insulting. However, I now have a good amount of money left over at the end of the month as he is no longer draining the bank account. The money I lost was my security, saved in case of redundancy and for retirement AND for the kids to go to uni - which apparently means nothing to the courts. The whole system still favours men, deadbeat dads particularly. My lesson to my children is never get married!

mummmy2017 Thu 18-Jun-20 07:46:20

My friend took her ex to court, and she saved £100k.
His court cost were a third of his settlement, he was a vendictive fool.
He used his solicitor as a tool to beat my friend for answers, was always booking appointments, and questioning things.
Go for his pension, show proof of what you own, claim he had no use of anything but family home, fight him, you have nothing to lose.

bipra21 Thu 18-Jun-20 11:12:03

Unfortunately I have what bit of savings left I have to lose and I can't afford that.
I've been a fool and I'm finding it hard to live with myself and the decisions I took offer a year ago. He was very clever and manipulative at the time. Looking back I realise I was afraid of him. I hate him so much.

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catspyjamas123 Thu 18-Jun-20 11:18:07

“Go for his pension”. So often people assume the man has a bigger pension. It’s as if nobody can see it can be the other way around.

My ex didn’t bother to pay into a pension when he was younger. I did so my pot was much bigger. Some years of payments were from before we married. I also made sure all household bills were paid, made sure the kids were clothed, got medical attention, had childcare, sorted all school appointments, arranged family holidays, play dates etc etc etc. I earned the most and was knackered from juggling all this. He drained my bank account to pay for porn and hookers.

No matter, the law ruled I had to pay him to go away. I don’t consider it justice but it’s what happens.

Lightline Thu 18-Jun-20 23:07:27

You were married for 25 years that is a long time. I think you could start feeling less bitter if you see your own part in it, you must’ve mixed the inheritance with matrimonial assets if it was used in divorce. Also did you use the money as a way of appealing to him?
Sorry but as I said 25 years is a long marriage he is entitled to half

catspyjamas123 Fri 19-Jun-20 00:13:53

did you use the money as a way of appealing to him?

What’s that meant to mean? This gay man saw a woman with some money and thought he would relieve her of it? The law is so wrong.

bipra21 Fri 19-Jun-20 05:49:33

He used me....end of

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HollyBollyBooBoo Fri 19-Jun-20 05:57:25

Would professional counselling be an option to help you get over it.

I think time does heal but this will really have cut you deep and to speed up that process counselling might help.

catspyjamas123 Fri 19-Jun-20 08:19:52

Counselling? What a joke. It doesn’t change anything, just rakes it all up again and makes you feel worse. The counsellor would also get a pretty sum out of the OP. It’s not counselling that’s needed but a change in the law.

Britain’s 50:50 divorce system is not fit for the modern age. It is designed for a time where the spouse who raised children could not work and so had to be utterly dependent. The family courts insist on “working with a broad brush” so they won’t look at the details of the case. Legal costs are so high that going all the way to court is usually out of the question and people have to strike a deal via solicitors or mediators. It is not justice.

Just take the case of Adele. She earned multi-millions through her musical genius. Her ex-husband, though clever, did not have this talent and did not make the money. When they divorced he got a vast sum. This is wrong. Luckily she had so much money she could afford to lose some. But for a normal couple with kids it might mean the children losing their home just so their dad can go off with mum’s life savings and abandon them. Maybe he will also be able to take the money gran and grandad left them. It is despicable.

HollyBollyBooBoo Fri 19-Jun-20 09:28:33

@catspyjamas123 I'm sorry if that's your experience of counselling, it's definitely not mine.

bipra21 Fri 19-Jun-20 19:16:01

I had counseling when my mum died and my daughter left for uni and I was in this destructive relationship. It did nothing, I just cried the whole time so I didn't go back. I can't see as this would help. Thank you for the suggestion though.
I'm just so bitter he's been able to get away with this, he's got a really shot hot solicitor known in the trade as a Rottweiler, he's even refusing to pay the court costs he'd been told he has to pay and he'll get away with that.
My daughter still has a relationship with him that's her choice but he doesn't deserve her you know.
I'm thinking of setting up a fb page for women who have been used as beards, there's no support in the UK.
So I've been shafted, I've he lived a lie for 25 years and then he's taken my inheritance and I've not touched his pension cos he begged me not to..I feel so stupid, I really do.

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LadyEloise Fri 19-Jun-20 19:41:03

I'm sorry that you've been dealt such a hand bipra21.
Is your dd his daughter too ?
Do you have other dc ?

dancingonmycervix Fri 19-Jun-20 19:43:07

Be glad he is gone and out of your life. I'm sorry this has happened to you and agree the law is an ass.

bipra21 Fri 19-Jun-20 21:40:20

Yes it's his DD...I have just the one..

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LadyEloise Fri 19-Jun-20 22:05:53

I have no advice bipra21.
I know how devastated my sister was when she discovered that her boyfriend ( way back in time) was bisexual. She was very young.

bipra21 Fri 19-Jun-20 22:56:20

That's ok....I did ask him but he lied, I actually found out by creating myself a false identify on a gay website

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