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"The Script"...(6 Posts)
I posted a couple of weeks ago about how my husband was leaving here Well, he went, I've had sporadic text-only contact with him, despite me trying to initiate visits (I know, I know).
So, I've had a funny feeling for the past couple of days, that he's seeing someone else. I called his bluff and asked him if he was, said that I already knew. Sure enough, he is. And to my utter astonishment, when I dared to be angry, out he comes with The Script! He's rewritten our entire marriage in his head in the space of under 2 weeks. Honestly, if I didnt feel so shit, I would have laughed at him. I did call him a walking cliche though.
He still has a load of his shit in the (my) house, I lost my temper telling him it had to go today. He said he couldn't get here tonight, but will do it tomorrow. We've arranged a time.
I am still absolutely heartbroken. Furious, but heartbroken. He was everything to me. And now he's erased what we had in his head. As if it didnt exist. And replaced it with this false narrative. I want to hate him but my heart hurts. This will get better, won't it?
Op you will be so much better off without him. Not only is he a cheat, your other thread says he’s violent and threatening. Look at it this way: he’s doing you a big favour. Pity the OW. It won’t be too long before he’s treating her like crap as well.
In the words of one wise Mumsnetter…
it's nice when the trash takes itself out!
This happened to me a year ago. I can promise you it will get better, but it’s taken me a year. ‘When you’re going through hell, keep going’ is all you can do for the moment.
My H followed the script too, initially. The 21 year marriage was rewritten by him. He was jumpy, didn’t want to talk, refused counselling, denied ow (but 6 months after admitted he was with the woman I suspected had turned his head). He destroyed my self esteem. I’ve always been confident but I became agoraphobic, felt ashamed, ugly, humiliated. Don’t believe any of the rewritten version of events he puts to you or any slights on your personality, they ARE NOT TRUE. Read about cognitive dissonance. That’s what’s going on here. He had to say (believe) these things to justify what he’s done.
What I needed was a plan on how to cope with the shocking situation I unexpectedly found myself in. One thing for sure is that we have no control over what someone else does. I have watched and read tons of stuff about midlife crises and affairs and found it does help to understand what’s going on in their heads (if he’s become tempted by another then his brain chemistry will be flooded with feel-good chemicals so trying to rationalise with them simply doesn’t work).
My H initially was a stranger to me and it was as though someone else had invaded his body. But, slowly over time I have seen glimpses of the old him return. We were together a long time and I’ve found it impossible not to be on good terms with him so things are amicable between us. I’ve worked on mindfulness and I try not to worry about the future now.
It’s hell at first but things WILL get better. Lots of self love and try to still your mind a little with some meditation apps and relaxing music.
Sorry OP I have just read some of your other post. I would recommend some counselling. Sounds like you will be better off without him. x
Thank you everyone for your responses. I've decided to stop all contact with him. No calls, messages etc. He simply has nothing to say that I want to hear. Didnt feel up to him coming around for his things, so I simply said "not convenient, dont come" and that's how I'm leaving it. Strangely enough when I was looking at what hes left, it's his most prized trainers and clothes, which, knowing his vanity is rather perplexing. They're all sat in bin bags in his wardrobe out of sight.
I've had long, tearful conversations with my sister and daughter about this, also spoken to a counsellor through my employers assistance programme. I am self medicating somewhat with wine, but I know this can be a slippery slope so I'm setting clear boundaries about when/how much I can have.
My poor baby dogs however are missing him so much. They arent eating and are still crying at the door for him. This is breaking my heart even more.
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