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Don’t know what to do...(6 Posts)
Married for 5 years, 1 ds aged 3 and have 2 stepchildren aged 16 and 10 living with us full time. Both dh and I work full time.
Dh barely speaks to me and devotes all his time to dsc. I have to ask and sometimes beg dh to help me with ds. And even then tjr amount of time he spends with him is about 2 hours compared to the 11 hours of childcare I do at the weekends.
Sds badly behaved. Long back story here but his mother left him with us and has not returned to take him back. Sds acts up constantly and dh always in a foul mood with him, which he then takes out on me. I am basically an emotional punchbag for his troubles with his kids. Sds also a nightmare -starts screaming and yelling, which upsets ds.
Dh and I are barely talk beyond day to day stuff. He makes zero effort with me and I end up initiating any rare time out as a couple. Sex is non existent, we have dtd once since last December. We are in separate rooms (though this was originally due to his snoring).
After yet another row between dh and ss, dh in a foul mood and told me he was too ill to take care of ds....whilst sitting at his computer and chatting with sd. This is when u asked him to take ds out for his afternoon walk. I just saw red at this point and told him that he was a selfish unfeeling and nasty person who had no time for his son, and that I was sick of him taking out his bad moods on me. He then accused me of being a bully abc abuser. I said that I had had enough, either he goes or I do. I can’t live like this during his mood swings. Poor little ds can hear all this and is shouting ‘ calm calm me.
Eventually he took ds oiut, I went with them as ds asking for me.
Dh then said that I expect too much from him looking after ds, ds is happy in one room whilst he is in another room on his computer or with dsd. I said that this was not enough for a 3 year old and not fair given the amount of time he spends with his other kids on a one on one basis.
I have literally had enough. I can’t deal with his problems with dss snd his lack of parenting with ds. My fear is that if I leave, poor ds will be ignored by dh in favour of ss if I am not around. I have seen this happen when I am around, dh supposed to be looking after ds and and ss starts a fight/argument with dh or alternatively sits on his lap, stroking dh hair and not letting ds best them. Dh effectively blind to this. Also I worry that he will just leave ds in a room whilst he is busy with his other more demanding kids.
My MH is suffering and I can’t live in this so called marriage where I am ignored and my son is second best to his half siblings. At the same time, I can’t bear to think how dh will treat ds if/when we split up.
Part of me thinks to stick it until ds older and just live separate lives until then. This lockdown. Is not making it easy, I have no family and few friends nearby that I don’t have to travel to see.
Has anyone does this successfully? Or is it better to just separate now?
You've posted this thread before only this time it's reworded as you got slaughtered for your attitude towards your step son on the last one.
The situation isn't going to change anytime soon with your DH and the step kids especially as their mother isn't even in the country.You need to decide what's right for you and your own child but you sound very unhappy.
Not about rewording. Issue is now dh with ss on the periphery, but unfortunately still here with his 101 issues.
As for being ‘slaughtered on Mn, I expect nothing less with my knowledge gained: very anti SM.
The issue is my marriage not sc, so please don’t try to derail my request for experiences.
It seems to me that you either stay, and ask your DH to attend counselling for your marriage, or you make plans to go. It doesn't look like the situation will change any time soon. It seems that your DH children with his first wife need a lot of support and reassurance but I do see it from your point of view, too.
Would it be possible for you to separate, financially? Is separating something you would consider? Yes, perhaps DH wouldn't be that attentive to your child if you split, but would he be any worse than he is being now?
I think you have a lot of thinking to do.
I am assuming that you'd take your own dc with you , were you to leave.
We already have split finances in the sense that the only bank account we share is for the mortgage payments. Property is owned as joint tenants.
Actually I am not sure why I should deprive dc of having dad full time. I am thinking at the moment of just taking a room nearby to think, work (I’m perched on a corner of bed at the moment) and see how it felt being away from them all. I would of course come and be just as present in ds’s life and at least I can keep an eye on his interactions with dh and ss, something I could not do if I moved away and access was on a 50/50 basis.
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