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Ex husband putting me down

(24 Posts)
krkw Sat 06-Jun-20 19:28:52

I've been told I'm a "state" and no one will want me. it's my fault he cheated because I didnt hide my depression and anxiety well enough and I disnt make the house nice enough. All my money went on our daughter, Bill's and food so i had no money to make the house nice. As much as I can see hes being horrible I honestly cry when I see my won reflection and cant see anything in myself that makes me appealing to someone else. Has anyone else dealt with soreelmething similar? came through it and been ok?

OP’s posts: |
NoraEphronsneck Sat 06-Jun-20 20:28:08

You already know he's a twat, that's why he is an ex.

Tell him you don't want any conversation other than regarding dc. Don't comment or react to anything he says - grey rock him.

Easier said than done I know but practice makes perfect.

thankscake

NoraEphronsneck Sat 06-Jun-20 20:28:09

You already know he's a twat, that's why he is an ex.

Tell him you don't want any conversation other than regarding dc. Don't comment or react to anything he says - grey rock him.

Easier said than done I know but practice makes perfect.

thankscake

Phipps91 Sat 06-Jun-20 20:36:23

Keep your chin up. I'm currently having the same issues with my ex. The best one was "you're weak minded that's why you've got anxiety!"
I know exactly what you're going through but as the OP said ignore him. They hate it when they aren't getting to you or you don't make it obvious. It's took me 6 months to not react to his mind games and honestly I've never felt better. He hates that he's not getting a reaction. He now asks me "what's wrong" because I only speak when needed or about DS. Honestly keep strong my darling! You've got this!! ❤️

SonEtLumiere Sat 06-Jun-20 20:42:47

“Well at least I have a chance of winning the lottery to fix it, you could win the lottery every week until you drop dead and you’d still be an utter cunt”

“No matter what I look like I don’t have your shit personality”

“I may be poor, depressed, lonely and look a complete state, but it’s still way better than being with you and your shit personality”

“The state of me? look at the state of you. You complete joke.”

krkw Sat 06-Jun-20 22:59:44

I have stopped reacting and hes now told me I'm dead inside because I dont cry anymore. It still gets into my head and I believe it and my confidance couldnt be any lower and I worry that will ever change and il never be happy again.

OP’s posts: |
frozendaisy Sun 07-Jun-20 06:35:54

Don't worry about being attractive to someone else right now. Once you're free of ex you will feel differently just concentrate on splitting as it can't be worse than staying with him surely.

krkw Sun 07-Jun-20 07:22:11

it's been nearly a year now since we split and there is no feelings left for him but we have a daughter so still have to have contact and I still think its important for my daughter to see us get along.

OP’s posts: |
Brainengaged1 Sun 07-Jun-20 07:22:15

This is not your fault . He is it he one who is defective . No mater how clean your house would be , how perfect you could me in his eyes it would never be enough for him . He says this to keep you forever trying to please him and to keep trying harder and put your own needs last . Trapping you in his egotistical world of you servicing his needs . You are not an appliance to be used till your battery is used up .

Look in the mirror now and say I am enough every , or even say I have integrity and kindness. If you are struggling to feel beautiful at the moment .

Keep the toxic ex out of your life - find ways to fill your time and reconnect with things that made you happy . It does get better, and you will recover , just talk to yourself like you would do to your best friend and stop beating yourself up .

Kazplus2 Sun 07-Jun-20 07:27:35

You just need to be civil for the sake of your daughter. You don't need to be friends. If need be arrangements can all be done by text and email. Better you take care of your mental health and be in a good place for your daughter. In future when he starts just walk away / put the phone down.etc. don't wait for his reaction, comments etc. This almost sounds like a game to him where he pushes you to try and make you cry. Don't play the game .

willowmelangell Sun 07-Jun-20 07:30:43

Could you tell us when he is saying these things? Is he phoning or texting you? Or is it at handover times? Is he walking into your house when you don't want him to?
Clearly he is still being abusive and a bully.
It has taken a lot of courage to stop reacting. Now we just need to figure out the next step. How to stop you hearing the nasty words.
I am so glad he is an ex.

krkw Sun 07-Jun-20 07:42:52

It's when he is seeing my daughter that he says these things but he apologised for doing it the last time and said he was a dick..... then he apologised because he knows he will do it in the future too. It's like it's just deep rooted now and even without his put downs it's just in my head and I dont know how to fix it. I've spoke to a counsellor and it did nothing and I'm on a waiting list for MIDAS but the wait for it is ridiculous with what's going on.

OP’s posts: |
krkw Sun 07-Jun-20 07:47:36

It's always face to face and hes like Jekyll and hyde when hes ok hes actually great but then he just switches and it's always "my fault". Depending on his mood I'm either hard to be around because I have depression and anxiety (I was doing great after we broke up and came off tablets until he started messing with my head) or I'm making it up and I never had depression and anxiety and was using it as an excuse to be lazy.

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OnlyJudyCanJudgeMe Sun 07-Jun-20 07:54:40

Could someone else do the handovers of your daughter for a while?

krkw Sun 07-Jun-20 08:05:51

his work makes him likely to catch the virus so we are social distancing. He visits but stands in the garden to talk to my daughter and I've bought a smartwatch so they can ring each other rather then going through me.

OP’s posts: |
OnlyJudyCanJudgeMe Sun 07-Jun-20 08:14:49

Well if she’s old enough for a smart watch, she’ll be old enough to talk to her dad without you needing to see him?
I would just try and stay out of his way and not engage him at all.

krkw Sun 07-Jun-20 08:21:40

I do stay out the way now but the problem I have is I cant get his words out my head and i dont know how to change how i feel about myself.

OP’s posts: |
LastRoloIsMine Sun 07-Jun-20 08:27:44

Have you thought about doing the freedom program?

megrichardson Sun 07-Jun-20 08:30:15

well isn't he a sweetheart. I agree with the 'grey rock' approach. If you respond, you're just giving him more to feed off.

krkw Sun 07-Jun-20 10:12:30

I'm going to look into the freedom program and grey rock. Thanks for all the replies, I think being lonely right now with what's going on isnt helping.

OP’s posts: |
krkw Sun 07-Jun-20 10:19:30

I've been doing grey rock unintentionally but he talks to my family and they keep letting him know when I'm struggling or things about me. My mam told him I was seeing a counsellor and his response was "you have to be careful because she lies". I was angry at first then I actually started wondering if I do lie without realising... it's so easy for him to get in my head and make me question myself. I can grey rock as much as I like but he will get info from the people around me as much as I ask them not to ans that's just contributing to me feeling isolated.

OP’s posts: |
Brainengaged1 Tue 09-Jun-20 21:40:37

Set some boundaries with your family . They are your allies not his . Ask them not to share your life with him , it’s none of his business anymore or as a last resort don’t share your business with them if they can’t be true to you . He is the one with issues , and he is just deflecting these onto you . Understand you are trying to be civil , but he is not your friend , you are doing great by the way , I know it’s not easy

SummerDayWinterEvenings Tue 09-Jun-20 21:46:51

Right first of all boundaries. Stop texting or communicating with him other than to arrange contact. End of. Why is your mother talking to him -mine would not engage -that's not supportive of you. Boundaries. Mum -anything I discuss with you I do not want passed to him -else I will not share my life with you.
Find your people. Your network -free of him and free of knowing him. For years I said hi to mum on the way into picking up my son from after school club. One day I twigged we had older children the same age but at different schools. I invited her for a coffee. She's a lifelong friend now I thought she was happily married as I had gone to a children's birthday party and the two of them were there- but no like me she was dealing with a twat too. I would communicate except by text to organise a time -at pick up and drop off take a third party always and keep it neutral.

catkins22 Wed 10-Jun-20 10:08:38

My ex used to be like yours. If you like reading, try Untethered Soul by Michael A. Singer. It certainly helped me in a similar situation.

Now my ex can't control me or annoy me at all and he just winds himself up!

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