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Help please he wants to divorce

(10 Posts)
DaisyandIvy Thu 04-Jun-20 13:39:49

My husband of 21 years moved out just over a year ago. We have 2 teens. I was shocked, blindsided and totally bewildered by his announcement. It took a while for him to find somewhere to move out to and in that time I began to strongly suspect OW. I had seen him hiding with his phone a few times but I had never had reason to doubt his trustworthiness so I disregarded it. He is now in a relationship (dating in his words) with this particular woman. She is 16 years younger than him.

At first, I begged and pleaded for him to save our marriage. I said I would wait indefinitely and would forgive anything as I loved him unconditionally. He said he was not coming home and there was no hope. He completely rewrote our history and blamed me for his decision to leave the marriage. If I had been a good wife he wouldn’t have wanted to leave me, he said. I admit I was constantly tired (I work full time, 6am starts, I took on extra hours when he said he wanted to start his own business). I was content with life but he said he wanted more adventure (he enjoys outdoor activities, he met the new girlfriend through one of them).

I eventually rallied myself a bit and things had become amicable between us. He said himself that we we were getting on really well and he bought me groceries and flowers. This confused me a bit, I told him so and asked him to back off as this was all giving me false hope.

In the last week he has lied to me a couple of times and become unreliable about money. He has now initiated mediation and divorce. I broke down when I saw the letter despite that I asked him to just get on with it.

I no longer cry every day and have found a few new hobbies but I can’t believe my life has come to this. He was my best friend. I had a small achievement yesterday with something and it felt so strange not being able to text him about it.

How could he have been so sure about this? How could a person do this to someone after so many years together? How can they be so certain it’s what they want? How can they be so happy (he appears to love his new life)? He took our motor home when he left and takes the new girlfriend away in it. We bought it to enjoy holidays with the kids and planned to travel Europe in it when the kids were grown up.

My parents died a decade ago within a couple of years of each other. I loved them and had just reached a point in life where I’d finally found contentment again and then this happened. I have been very low at times and have called the Samaritans a few times, I had some counselling and took antidepressants for a while. The shock has subsided but I still cry so often.

I know I need to get up off my knees and fight but I feel destroyed and constantly tired and drained. I don’t even know what I’m asking just someone who can perhaps relate to what is happening would help.

OP’s posts: |
BestDaysAheadOfMe Fri 05-Jun-20 00:40:10

I’m so sorry about the situation, 21 years together is a lot. The only reason re why he can do this is because he has another relationship goin on. It is hurtful but believe me karma will get him. She is 16 years younger. He is 40+ and will most definitely feel the age difference in a few years time.

How old are you, just over 40? Life is not finished. Stop begging him and giving him power by doing it. He took his pick and he will pay for it. Focus on yourself, finances and your kids. That’s within your control. He and his new life is out of it- leave it to him as it’s his problem now

DaisyandIvy Fri 05-Jun-20 08:10:25

Thank you for replying, that’s good advise I think I do need to focus on my life and not his. I don’t think I would ever be able to understand how or why he could have done this.

I’m 49. You’re right, I must focus on mine and my children’s lives now.

Thank you so much for replying, I really appreciate your wise words.

OP’s posts: |
BeforeIPutOnMyMakeup Fri 05-Jun-20 09:03:59

OP you need to focus on your own life more than that of your teens. Obviously don't ignore or do things that will upset them but you need to realise they will fly the nest in a few years.

So start getting your financial and career ducks in a row. Also get divorced asap as he drags it out until your youngest is 18 you will be worse off.

DaisyandIvy Fri 05-Jun-20 09:45:49

Thank you. I really do appreciate your advise.

OP’s posts: |
BestDaysAheadOfMe Sat 06-Jun-20 01:49:35

DailyandIvy, focus on yourself. Why he is so sure or happy doesnt matter anymore. Make sure you are ok and if not do all to get there. You are wasting your energy trying to get inside his mind. He laid his bed and will sleep in it, as long as you’re healthy and financially ok, life will be good and continue to get better.

Annonymiss123 Sat 06-Jun-20 02:50:28

The best revenge is a life lived well. Focus on you and don’t let him live rent free inside your head.

I said I would wait indefinitely and would forgive anything as I loved him unconditionally

He’ll get a shock to discover this isn’t the case, when he sees you making a new life for yourself.

Oopsiedaisyy Sat 06-Jun-20 11:45:39

So my perspective is from the side of your husband, I had an affair and ended the marriage. My reasons were flawed but I felt unhappy and thought an affair would keep my family together rather than leaving the marriage. I know lots of people who have cheated who have similar logic, but in the end its too painful to stay. I didnt walk off into the sunset with my affair person but it gave me the strength to do what will ultimately make us both happier.

He checked out months or even years ago, he just hadn't left. You had no idea so you're just catching up on the pain and heart ache.

Trust me though, your future will be brighter without him, you can make a new life with someone who deserves and loves you fully.

mostlydrinkstea Sun 07-Jun-20 07:55:19

Find 'Runaway Husbands' on Amazon or similar. It is the experience of women whose husbands leave after long marriages. Then google Chump Lady. Your experience is not unique which is sad but it does mean there are a lot of us out there. If you fancy googling mid life crisis it might help but ultimately he left the marriage a while ago, months or years as another poster has said and there is nothing you can do about it as this is all about him. He will want to preserve his image of himself as a good man so you will be blamed for everything that he has done. That is a nasty one but repeat to yourself - his problems not mine. If you haven't lawyered up do so.

The whole process is brutal as the man who you thought loved and cared for you was lying and planning his exit. That speaks to his character not yours.

krkw Sun 07-Jun-20 08:15:36

I have found if you find yourself sitting thinking about the good times and the future you had planned replacing them with the bad helps. Make a list of all the hurtful things hes done and all the ways hes made you feel bad and read it every time you are missing him or upset about him. It's tough and it will be hard but it preconditions you and it's a way of bringing you back to reality because the reality is he isnt the person you thought he was.

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