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Is divorce the right option?

(8 Posts)
Midge1990 Mon 01-Jun-20 02:49:51


I need some advice. I have no one to talk to about this and any time I’ve spoken to some of my friends the only thing they have to say is “I don’t know what to say”. Does anyone else find that totally useless?

I’ve been married to my husband for 18 months. We’ve been together for 6 years. Before we got married I was really happy with him but as soon as we got married he got complacent and stopped making any effort. We hardly ever have sex. Maybe once a month at most. Recently that has started becoming a big problem and it’s caused arguments. I’ve told him that I want more sex but he’s not interested. He makes no effort to touch me or even hold me anymore. Even to the point in the heat of a few arguments I’ve asked if he is gay or asexual.

He tells me he’s attracted to me and loves me but he just has no sex drive anymore. He says he’s been suffering with anxiety and depression for a long time but he won’t seek help. He won’t take meds and he doesn’t want to see a counsellor.

Lately things have got worse and our arguments are becoming more intense and more often - most days now. We can’t seem to talk nicely to each other either when we’re not arguing. The relationship just isn’t working anymore and I don’t know what to do.

When I got married it was for life. I made those promises to him and I meant it. So why am I considering a divorce? I feel that with 18 months of living with someone who I only feel is no more than a friend is taking it’s toll on me. The sex issue is a big thing for me but not for him and I’ve told him this but he doesn’t want to change so I don’t know what to do.

We don’t have kids. We don’t even share anything financially so it wouldn’t be a difficult divorce. However we are considering buying a house together and I’m having huge doubts about it because of everything going on. The house we’re looking at buying is the one we already live in and rent off my auntie - she keeps pushing us to apply for our mortgage. Thankfully we weren’t ready based on our credit scores to get a mortgage at first so it’s delayed things by 6 months but now we are and my husband is asking for us to apply.

I feel so trapped. I don’t know if things can be resolved between us. I’m scared about wasting time. I want kids one day but not in this sort of relationship. I’m 30 so I want to be with someone who I am happy enough with to have kids but who’s to say I would find that elsewhere anyway? How do I know this isn’t something that just happens in marriages and it would always happen whether it’s with him or someone else?

He’s an amazing person and he gives me a lot more than sex. He understands me and he knows me. We can talk about anything and he has supported me through some extremely difficult times in my life. He really is my best friend. But is that enough? Is a best friend enough to stay married to? I just don’t know what to do anymore.

OP’s posts: |
Jeleste Mon 01-Jun-20 03:01:38

No, you shouldnt be married to your best friend.
You dont have kids or any other commitments. Get out before it gets more complicated.

Aquamarine1029 Mon 01-Jun-20 03:10:12

A best friend does not necessarily make a good husband, and you should be worried about wasting your time. Your marriage is an unfortunate mistake, but luckily it's one you can correct. End your marriage and move on because he will never make you happy. It's only been 18 months and you're already miserable, married to a man who refuses to address very important issues. This will not get better.

Midge1990 Mon 01-Jun-20 09:04:43

Thanks both

I spoke to him this morning and he has agreed to go to counselling. I guess I owe it to him to see it through


OP’s posts: |
Babysharkdoodoodood Mon 01-Jun-20 09:08:32

Don't buy the house unless the issues are resolved.

OhioOhioOhio Mon 01-Jun-20 09:21:39

Your marriage vows are not more important than you. Get rid of him. He's weighing you down with boring sadness.

madcatladyforever Mon 01-Jun-20 09:30:51

The problem here is that he is not even prepared to DO anything, he just leaves it.
It's not good enough not to go for counselling, try antidepressants and just ignore it. If there is a problem he should at least try some treatment. There could also be medical resons behind his lack of sex drive so he does need to check that out.
I'm asexual but still had sex with my husband even though I didn't want to. I suppose it's easier for a woman.
My mother refused to get any help for her mental health problems for 50 years just let it ride and all our lives were wrecked by it because there was never a resolution.
i think if he will not do anything to help himself then you have no choice but to leave, this can't just go on and on forever.

PicaK Mon 01-Jun-20 14:51:55

I think it's perfectly OK to make a decision that if he won't get help then you will leave. Depression etc are horrible (been there) but drugs, counselling can eventually work wonders - if he acknowledges it. This marriage you've got now is not worth keeping it seems like, but the relationship from before and the possible future one might be.
No mortgages until you're through this though.
flowers be tough for both your sakes.

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