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Should I file for divorce now?

(9 Posts)
Gingerbread19 Sun 31-May-20 10:22:02


My husband moved out just over a year ago. Married 21 years, 2 teenagers. I had no idea that anything was very wrong. Only weeks before this announcement he gave me a beautiful bracelet for my birthday. I started to suspect someone else, asked him numerous times about a particular friendship, he denied it, I believed him. In hindsight, there were big red flags. I was in shock for months, I had never questioned his loyalty. I barely left the house for months.

Six months after his leaving, I managed to extract an admission from him that he was now in a relationship with this woman, he still is and they are having a great time together and enjoying the benefits of the motorhome we bought shortly before he left me.

I was initially adamant that I would not divorce him. I put the onus on him and had asked him to initiate divorce (he says that it is what he wants). I don't think that he has done anything about that and I am not sure that he will bother until it maybe suits him too. I think that he is too busy working and having fun. I have taken up a few healthy hobbies and have decided that for the next few years I want to keep a steady, stable home for our children. I will not seek out another relationship until they are much older.

My husband promised me when he left that nothing would change for me. He would continue to pay into the household account the same amount as he always. He has so far kept his word, on the whole.

What concerns me now is related to our house. I am living in the house with our children, husband rents a place in the next town. 10 years ago I inherited from my parents and used the money to pay off the mortgage. We also had an extension built, paid for with the inherited money. Husband has promised me that he would never make a claim for my share, but having done some research I understand that he could claim 50/50. I only have his word that he would not do this.

The problem is that I know that my husband still tells me lies or withholds information and this is what concerns me.

I have read lots of other threads on here and know that I shouldn't be procrastinating. I am determined to get this right for myself and our children and my parents so I have proceeded slowly.

Does anyone have any knowledge of how I could get the inheritance protected? I know I need to see a solicitor but I don't feel that I should pay any legal fees as it was not my decision to end the marriage. I have been so afraid and busy getting myself out of the emotional pit that I haven't had the courage to face the horrible facts of this yet.

Thank you for reading, sorry it's long but I wanted to try to give the whole scenario.

OP’s posts: |
millymollymoomoo Sun 31-May-20 12:26:13

I think I’d just file for divorce
Currently you are at the mercy of his goodwill which could fold at any time - it’s unlikely that his new girlfriend ( or any other that comes along particularly if serious) will accept him paying everything so that nothing changes for you
Far better imho to divorce and sort this out so you can both move on with the next chapter of your lives

waterSpider Sun 31-May-20 12:49:51

That inheritance is quite a long time ago, so there is no guarantee it would be kept separate if he wants to challenge things. It's also quite mixed into your finances, again sometimes a marker to include it. And the longer ago, the more likely it could be counted ...

People are different, but you could try a very matter of fact approach. Just filing forms, assume we've agreed this kind of split ... low-key in the hope he doesn't seek out too much advice!

But avoiding conflict is also good. Would child maintenance be quite different to what he is paying now? Do either of you have large pension wealth (common in public sector)?

madroid Sun 31-May-20 12:57:49

Sorry OP, but all assets of the marriage, no matter where from, are divided 50/50 normally.

You need SHL - shit hot lawyer - to tell you the facts of your individual circumstances.

If your ex has agreed to protecting your inheritance in the matrimonial split then you will be depending only on him keeping his word. There's no legal basis for it.

It's likely you will be asked to try and sort it out through mediation. You don't have to agree tho.

As for legal fees, it's most usual to each pay their own. The fault divorce is a thing of the past.

pinktaxi Sun 31-May-20 13:38:08

Maybe ask him what financial arrangements will be made around the divorce regarding the inheritance and whether he will honour his arrangement? Get it in writing if possible. Email? A good lawyer may be able to use this to back up any financial agreements. However things often fall down when it comes to the legal side of it and he may just go with 50/50.

Honestly, if he is paying for you to live in the family home and making good financial provision for you and his kids, I wouldn't rock the boat. You are doing far better than if divorce was under way. I can't see any advantage to you initiating divorce.

Gingerbread19 Sun 31-May-20 16:04:24

Thank you all for your replies.

I did wonder whether it might be better for me not to pursue a divorce.

But I fear that if I leave it until our children have flown the nest, his chances of getting 50% would increase as I would not be living with the children by then.

He has always been secretive with his own money.

I know that I need to be fair about this but at the moment I’m just so angry about his persistent lies. I need to fight my corner as I’m the only one in it.

OP’s posts: |
millymollymoomoo Sun 31-May-20 16:27:42

I think for me you are beholden to him. He’s off doing what he wants, but you (presumably) rely on him for money or at least in part. What if he decides bds not going to pay the same? What if you do meet someone ( I know that’s not on your mind yet) and he furs to like it so starts to hold money over you?
For me, divorcing, sorting out financials will alllow you to have certainty and be in control of your life.

Gingerbread19 Sun 31-May-20 16:43:16

Yes, I do feel I only have his words which could alter especially if he is being influenced by another person. And at the moment it seems impossible for him to be honest with me about anything (he denies being with the new gf then I find out he has been with her etc..) so the trust is gone which worries me.

OP’s posts: |
pinktaxi Sun 31-May-20 22:08:19

I'd see a solicitor to find out what the best thing to do is. Distance yourself from any emotion where he is concerned. Trust is neither here nor there now. What matters is the pure financial position. He will get 50/50 as a starting point. Your inheritance may or may not be taken into consideration, just as him being the main breadwinner during the marriage (presumably) is not relevant.

If you start divorce proceedings a court may decide that you and your DC can live in the house until they are 18 or if they leave for university. Then you may be forced to sell the house to give him his half of the equity, or to buy him out. Until that time he has only to pay maintenance for his children, very very rarely would he pay maintenance to you. So you would have to pay the mortgage and other expenses. A divorced man isn't under any obligation to keep you in a position you were when married (unless he is a millionaire). If you have a well paid job you could buy him out of the house, but a court would never give you the benefits you now enjoy at the moment.

There is nothing stopping you dating, enjoying meeting new people and all the other things you can do when divorced. It's just a bit of paper.
Maybe I'm not understanding the situation?

Your H has left you and is paying all the household bills/mortgage while you stay with the DC in the joint house?
The inheritance was a significant amount of time ago?
You are not working, or are in a low paid/part time job?
You could not afford to buy him out of the house or afford the mortgage on your own?

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