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I want to divorce my intolerable H, what's the quickest and easier way please.

(17 Posts)
iopuc Sat 23-May-20 19:44:50

I just can't take it anymore. I've been talking about separating for ages but he's reluctant to listen and take me seriously which is the story of our marriage really. The lockdown is becoming unbearable, I need out ASAP.

What's the best way here? Ill obviously have to initiate, would divorcing on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour be the fasted?

NumbsMet Sat 23-May-20 20:07:50

Are you able to elaborate on why you want to divorce him? I'm sure any reason you have is perfectly fine, you should never have to stay with someone you're not happy with, but some things will be taken a lot more seriously than others in a situation like this.

Weenurse Sun 24-May-20 01:03:38

Depends on what you see as unreasonable behaviour and what the law says.
You may see snoring as unreasonable.

Waitingfortheothershoe Sun 24-May-20 01:12:07

I don't think divorce is ever speedy. But it's your living arrangements your want to change surely? That's where you need to start. Posters might be able to help with more detail.

EL8888 Sun 24-May-20 01:22:49

Unreasonable behaviour is what l would go with if l was you. I divorced my 1st husband on those grounds, it fairly straightforward including writing a statement including details of his unreasonable behaviour. Shame l didn’t know at the time that he having an affair with my friend or l would have gone for adultery.

iopuc Sun 24-May-20 10:50:10

He does snore actually but that's the least of our problems. Loads of issues around money. He's a higher earner, won't share money. Doesn't feel he should. Doesn't cook, clean, plan or organise. I'm currently trying to work from home but he won't make any adjustments to his work schedule meaning I'm unable to commit to ongoing (contract) work. Lots of aggressive behaviour when challenged. It's deeply unpleasant.

Enjoys the status of being a married family man though so is unwilling to consider separating.

I'd love to live separately but couldn't afford the mortgage on my own and doubt he would willingly go anyway.

iopuc Sun 24-May-20 11:04:19

EL8888 good to hear it was straightforward. How long did it take and did you have shared assets etc to divide?

I'll look up unreasonable behaviour examples but can easily find many of my own. I am slightly worried about the hostility it will cause but I'm going to have to suck that up I guess.

june2007 Sun 24-May-20 11:20:56

Can you sperate but share the house? (it works for some.)

Waitingfortheothershoe Sun 24-May-20 11:22:57

Oh dear. Sounds tough.

If there are assets, joint finances, and you have been married a while (children?) then focusing on quick isn't necessarily in your best interests.

Re the unreasonable behaviour, my personal opinion is that if your decision is made then it is now in your/everyone's be interested to keep things from being any more acrimonious than need be (especially if there are children). So examples that are the least contentious would be best. Don't use the application to vent... Find another outlet. A friend with a lot of patience or a counsellor, or MN etc.

You really need legal input. My advice would be to find a solicitor who is a member of Resolution who are committed to working constructively.

iopuc Sun 24-May-20 11:26:39

We are effective separated and sharing the house but it changes nothing for me.

iopuc Sun 24-May-20 11:37:21

Thanks that's helpful. Married for 10 years, two DC's one primary, one nursery age. We have a house together, no joint finances in terms of savings, bank accounts although we both have isa's and individual savings. I'm not interested in his money or pension but would like my share of the house.

I'm managing to keep the atmosphere reasonable for the sake of the DC's but it's taking its toll on me. I'm comprising myself way beyond what's reasonable in every area. I obviously don't want to inflame the situation given we are currently stuck together, plus I'm keen to parent together long term. I need to keep him in side but get rid. A tricky balance.

I'll look up resolution and seek advice.

Wallywobbles Sun 24-May-20 11:41:31

There's someone on here who did it themselves - she recommends 2 books. I'm pretty sure one of them is the dummies guide to divorce.

I post the following fairly regularly:

Information is empowering. And will limit his power over you.

If possible find some friends/contacts that divorced well. Ask them for lawyer recommendations.

Get appointments with recommended lawyers. 2 reasons for this. It's important to find a lawyer you can work with. I got lucky with no 4. The other reason is if you've seen them he can't use them.

While waiting for appointments get all your and his financial information together:
Tax returns
Bank accounts
Salary slips
Savings accounts
Life insurance

Get the house valued
This will enable a lawyer to tell you what you might reasonably receive.

Divorce for unreasonable behavior as cited in your op.

50:50 childcare is normal but sounds unlikely. There are sites like entitledto that will tell you what you might be entitled to from the state. There are also maintenance calculators.

Write 2 lists in terms of kids, house, cars, maintenance etc:

What you'd like (copy to lawyer)
What you'd accept (private)

Do not tell him what you are doing. Just get on with it quietly. The more of a head start you have the better of you will be.

CallmeIT Sun 24-May-20 11:43:52

I’d suggest telling him that you won’t ask for a share of his pension and savings if he agrees to sell the house ASAP /moves out.

millymollymoomoo Sun 24-May-20 13:13:13

Don’t ignore the pension - it could be the most valuable asset
It should go in the pot for consideration

Waitingfortheothershoe Sun 24-May-20 13:49:09

Given you have been married 10 years it is likely all assets are considered assets of the marriage. And yes pensions are often the most valuable asset. Don't make any offers or come up with what you would accept just yet. Get legal advice.

It doesn't have to be hellish (although it is inevitably a painful process). Hopefully you will agree a mediator, thrash it out in mediation, then lawyers drew up a consent order and financial order.

(We were lucky in that we agreed child contact without outside help)

If you are the one ending the relationship then you might feel that you have to take as little as possible. The mediator will focus on an equitable split, regardless of who is ending things.

You say "I'm not interested in his money etc". But that's probably at least partly because you are suffering and just want out. So let the mediation help look after your long term interests. Its not about being grabby like lawyers fighting in a court room. Its about fair and about your children's wellbeing.

Ime the better the attention to financial agreement the more you are freed up to put the kids first and for the challenges of co parenting.

Re speed/pace - the first time we met with the mediator it was so difficult. It was really early - a lot of hurt and anger. We both stalled at various points after that for various reasons. By the next mediation meeting (much later) we were much more able to have a reasonable conversation.

Waitingfortheothershoe Sun 24-May-20 13:49:54

Sorry for the long messages! I have a lot of free time on my hands!

iopuc Mon 25-May-20 09:20:28

Thanks for all this useful info. I don't have access to his financials as he's never been willing to share them, so no firm idea on his salary but know it's over 110k + bonus.

His pension won't be a lot as he's not contributed to one for long. He's pretty crap with money - another sticking point. I hear what people are saying though so I'll seek advice on that. Tbh I need all the funds I can reasonably get as my income is nothing like that and never will be.

He'll want 50:50 of that I'm pretty sure. The lockdown has just cemented the idea that you can do it all and I've clearly been doing nothing for the last decade.

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