This is a Premium feature
To use this feature subscribe to Mumsnet Premium - get first access to new features see fewer ads, and support Mumsnet.Start using Mumsnet Premium
He won't accept it is over(12 Posts)
I have been with my DH for 20 years, married for 18. The last few years have been hard as he has been ill and lost a very good job and hasn't worked since. I have been paying all the bills for the whole time and it has been so hard. I feel like I don't know him anymore. He speaks about women like they are 2nd class citizens. He says I am the only decent one left. He always says really inappropriate things and I am constantly having to apologise to people for him. We have 2 kids, 8 and 14. If I am 100% honest I should not have married him. I knew from the start he wasn't the one but I felt so low and unloveable back then and he made me feel like the most amazing person on earth. The last couple of months I have just stopped caring. I feel like I have bent over backwards for him and the kids and now I am done. It is like a switch has been turned off. I don't find him attractive and cringe if he comes near me. We haven't had sex in 10 months and I never want sex with him again. I just feel nothing for him now except pity.
I have tried to tell him it is over and we need to split but he won't accept it. Has told me I am depressed or menopausal or that the lockdown is getting to me. I have been trying for 3 weeks now. He has now said if I continue with the split he will kill himself. I know it is emotional blackmail but I am so scared of this happening, not for me but for my children to have to live with it. So I now feel trapped. He doesn't have any proper friends and can't afford to rent anywhere to live. He has asked if we can go to counselling and I have said no. He says he needs to see his kids every day and I said I would not stop him. The irony is he has never taken them out without me there. He does nothing with them and spends zero time with them. He never changed nappies or did bedtimes or bathtimes when they were younger.
I can't live like this forever. I am planning to wait for lockdown to finish and then try to speak to him again when life is a bit more normal. I want my life back. There is no-one else involved, I just don't want to be with him anymore but he won't accept it.
Do the counselling. It won’t change anything in your mind but maybe speaking your mind will help him see why it’s over.
The killing himself bullshit is manipulative. Hand him a fucking knife.
I can't abide men like that.
I don't want to prolong things. I know it is done and nothing will change my mind. He may kill himself if we split but I cannot accept that as my responsibility. Why can't he see that I will never forgive him for even threatening it?
To be honest in these situations you’ve had longer to come to terms with a split.
This is probably new news to him and he needs time to process.
You need to be patient and keep saying what you want
Try counseling as a way of moving forward and learning how to co parent while separating
I agree that the counselling is a good idea. It will help you get through to him and support you both through the ending of your marriage.
If he has no income because of his illness, it would be cruel to push him into a rental while you stay in the family home. You’ll probably have to sell so that you can both buy cheaper.
I think green tulips gives good advice here. I was in the same situation earlier in lockdown. ExDP is slow to process anyway but has now eventually 'got it'. In this situation you have to try to keep some 'normality for the DC but you can also do things to make it clear to him that you are serious. I moved to sleep elsewhere which I think helped - though you may already be doing that. I also took myself off there once DC were in bed so I don't spend evenings with him together at all. I also 'got my ducks in a row before discussing any next steps, but tried to sort my finances and personal plans out inc. speaking to a solicitor etc. That meant I had a clear plan and direction even if he didn't. Wishing you luck - you've made your mind up clearly, which is half the battle and he will have to absorb. Mine has now shifted in his thinking and is going to go.
I think you should consider counselling. It doesn't have to mean looking for how to continue the marriage, it can be a way to help him see that the marriage is over and to begin to process that.
I was worried that going to counselling would be all about trying to prolong the marriage which I did not want, but the counsellor asked each of us what we wanted out of it and I was just very honest that I didn't see any future in the marriage.
I could have cried reading these posts. I found them while googling my situation. Marly11 I keep getting the ‘but I’ve got it now’ conversation!
Tell him to go to counselling on his own, but you will not be going because your decision has been made.
Please login first.